Ohhhh, my perceptive little six year old.. You.have.no.idea.
I have admittedly, been very snappy and short with my children today. I did not sleep well, I woke up with a migraine and I feel like I hit the ground running today. The fact that they didn't do anything I asked them to do yesterday left me feeling residual aggravation this morning.
I made the kids chore lists today, to complete while I was at work, or else! (They were wise and did what they were supposed to do..) but still, today, I have been snappy.
Aubrey is staying the night at her friend Reagan's, Madison is with Jeanette for the evening so its just us and the boys. They were so good and quiet this evening while I tried to sleep off my migraine that we treated them to Nubi's.
We got home, they showered and as they got themselves dressed, I switched over the fourth load of laundry for the day. Riley came walking through the house, yelling, "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, MOMMMMMM.." and in an aggravated tone, the minute he was close enough to hear me reply, I said, "WHAT Riley?!" .. he lovingly stopped in front of the laundry room door and as though he didn't notice my aggravated tone and asked, "Mommy, is being a "mommy" hard?" .. I smiled and kinda chuckled. I said, "Yes Riley, some days being a Mommy is really hard. All day all I hear is Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom can I? Mom will you? Mom please can I? Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.. and I still have to do laundry, cook you guys meals, drive you all over the place and back.. sometimes I go to work just so I can relax!"
He laughed and he said, "You're silly mom."
I have thought about this question for the last hour (as I folded laundry, put it away and made piles for the kids rooms for them to put away..) and here is the conclusion I have come to..
Being a Mommy is so hard. Being a Mommy when you didn't grow up with an example of what a Mom should be or do.. is even harder. Being a Mommy for me.. is super hard.
I have some friends that I look at with total admiration. They do this Mom thing so effortlessly, they are always calm, cool, collected. They don't let their kids tones or attitudes get to them, messy houses don't matter and food in the living room is A-OK! I wish I had it in me to be that Mom but I just don't.
I am a busy Mom, a Mom with lots of structure, prompt bed times, no wet towels on the floors, pick up your messes, please don't wipe your hands on your clothes!, please don't wipe your hands on your brothers clothes!, stop pee'ing on each other, don't pee outside, for the love of God get your finger out of your nose, clean this house, PUT YOUR SHOES AWAY, use your manners, did you forget how to say please? I don't want to hear you chew your food, working kinda Mom.
I say it all the time.. I need to be a more playful mom.. a mom who enjoys playing zombies in the back yard, wants to jump on the trampoline and "be in the moment" kinda mom. I just don't know how!
I admire that about Sean, he's always been able to stop whatever is going on in life and hand his time over to our kids. He will stop what he's doing to build a log house with Coop, he will walk away from things to play video games with Aubrey and Riley, to watch a show with Madison in her room. I love to watch these things from the outside. I love to watch my kids having fun with each other and with their Dad..
Watching what Riley has had to go through the last month and a half has been so hard. Not being able to fix everything in my kids lives is hard. I can handle E.R visits and stays, I can handle emergencies like appendectomies and tonsil removals with ease and grace (I lose it AFTER everything is all better..) but watching heart break day after day, thats tiring. I know.. with time..
Even though being a Mom is hard, it's worth it. Everyday, I know for sure I am doing it all wrong. I might seriously be damaging these little humans that look to me for everything but at the end of the night when they all hug me goodnight and give me kisses.. it almost wipes the slate clean. I am sure the savings accounts we have set up for college will fund more therapy then education.. but maybe that's just what life is about.
I love that my kids give me the opportunity, everyday, to be their Mommy. Without them.. I might be wealthy, have the ability to travel a lot and not have to use hair color every three weeks! Without them though, I wouldn't be complete. (: