I can't help but want to call in sick to life tomorrow.
I know that isn't the appropriate feeling but I am beginning to feel like "strong" isn't in me anymore.
I am tired, really tired. I know this can't be about me right now and really needs to be about Riley but right now I need to have a break down moment and I know that that is ok.
I looked at Riley today and at times I felt like he is just a shell. He looks on the outside how I feel on the inside and I hate that.
I hate that I can't fix his little heart. I hate that he has to experience this and today, today I want to yell and scream and throw my own temper tantrum, pitty party. I won't.. but that doesn't change the fact that I want to.
Please don't confuse this anger today with an anger towards Jason. I am not angry with him and that is the honest truth. I am at peace and I hope he is to..
It just breaks every part of me when I look at my baby and that light in his eyes is gone. That once ear to ear smile.. seems a little less visible and way to slanted downward for him to be my boy.
Today I keep asking myself, How did we get here? How did this tiny speed bump turn into this horrible, rough and rocky mountain. How did it go from being a Thursday call to Daddy/Mommy because he missed one of us.. to he's never going to be able to talk to or see his Daddy again?
How is that fair? I don't want to be angry and sad, I don't want to be a wreck anymore.. But Damn, it's hard!
Every time he looks at me with that sad, defeated little face I break inside. This isn't how it was supposed to be for him. Our "normal" was a good one!
I know with time it will be less raw, I know once we make it through tomorrow we can all begin to heal, I know that in a blink of an eye we will talk about how many years have passed, how hard it is to believe and how it will always feel like it happened just yesterday.
The urge to pick up my phone and call Jason on a day to day basis hasn't gotten any better or easier.. in fact I find my hand in my phone and unlocked ready to call before it dawns on me, he won't be on the other end to answer.
Today is overwhelming knowing that tomorrow will be here sooner rather then later. Today, I don't want tomorrow to come because I am not ready to say goodbye.
Tomorrow makes everything final, real and I am really scared for that.
For all the times I watched Jason waste a life (because if you knew Jason, you knew he had 9 more then a cat..) I never imagined this would be how his end would come.
In high school Jason drove his car off the side of Mt. Baldy and didn't have a scratch to show for it.
I watched him drink like his liver was competing for an olympic medal..
I saw him WALK OUT OF ARROWHEAD REGIONAL the day after he was life flighted in from a motorcycle accident.
Car accidents, broken glasses, getting hit by cars, wrecking on his bicycle and relapse after relapse.. Never did I think his end would come at 30, with our 6 year old lost, sad and feeling alone in a crowded room.
Today, I am tired. Today, I am sad and today, I don't want it to be tomorrow.
Today, I just want to laugh and really feel happy. I want to smile but not because the world expects it.. Today, I want my baby to be more then just "ok".
I'm going to spend tomorrow away from my phone. We plan to take the kids out for some fun after the funeral because a beautiful Saturday can't be spent being super sad all day. Tomorrow, I hope we can start the road to healing because being "stuck" right here, right now, hurts all of us more then it helps.