Saturday, May 30, 2015

"Mommy, is being a Mommy hard?"

Ohhhh, my perceptive little six year old.. You.have.no.idea.
 I have admittedly, been very snappy and short with my children today. I did not sleep well, I woke up with a migraine and I feel like I hit the ground running today. The fact that they didn't do anything I asked them to do yesterday left me feeling residual aggravation this morning.
 I made the kids chore lists today, to complete while I was at work, or else! (They were wise and did what they were supposed to do..) but still, today, I have been snappy.
 Aubrey is staying the night at her friend Reagan's, Madison is with Jeanette for the evening so its just us and the boys. They were so good and quiet this evening while I tried to sleep off my migraine that we treated them to Nubi's.
 We got home, they showered and as they got themselves dressed, I switched over the fourth load of laundry for the day. Riley came walking through the house, yelling, "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, MOMMMMMM.." and in an aggravated tone, the minute he was close enough to hear me reply, I said, "WHAT Riley?!" .. he lovingly stopped in front of the laundry room door and as though he didn't notice my aggravated tone and asked, "Mommy, is being a "mommy" hard?" .. I smiled and kinda chuckled. I said, "Yes Riley, some days being a Mommy is really hard. All day all I hear is Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom can I? Mom will you? Mom please can I? Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.. and I still have to do laundry, cook you guys meals, drive you all over the place and back.. sometimes I go to work just so I can relax!"
 He laughed and he said, "You're silly mom."
 I have thought about this question for the last hour (as I folded laundry, put it away and made piles for the kids rooms for them to put away..) and here is the conclusion I have come to..
 Being a Mommy is so hard. Being a Mommy when you didn't grow up with an example of what a Mom should be or do.. is even harder. Being a Mommy for me.. is super hard.
 I have some friends that I look at with total admiration. They do this Mom thing so effortlessly, they are always calm, cool, collected. They don't let their kids tones or attitudes get to them, messy houses don't matter and food in the living room is A-OK! I wish I had it in me to be that Mom but I just don't.
 I am a busy Mom, a Mom with lots of structure, prompt bed times, no wet towels on the floors, pick up your messes, please don't wipe your hands on your clothes!, please don't wipe your hands on your brothers clothes!, stop pee'ing on each other, don't pee outside, for the love of God get your finger out of your nose, clean this house, PUT YOUR SHOES AWAY, use your manners, did you forget how to say please? I don't want to hear you chew your food, working kinda Mom.
 I say it all the time.. I need to be a more playful mom.. a mom who enjoys playing zombies in the back yard, wants to jump on the trampoline and "be in the moment" kinda mom. I just don't know how!
 I admire that about Sean, he's always been able to stop whatever is going on in life and hand his time over to our kids. He will stop what he's doing to build a log house with Coop, he will walk away from things to play video games with Aubrey and Riley, to watch a show with Madison in her room.  I love to watch these things from the outside. I love to watch my kids having fun with each other and with their Dad..
 Watching what Riley has had to go through the last month and a half has been so hard. Not being able to fix everything in my kids lives is hard. I can handle E.R visits and stays, I can handle emergencies like appendectomies and tonsil removals with ease and grace (I lose it AFTER everything is all better..) but watching heart break day after day, thats tiring. I know.. with time..
 Even though being a Mom is hard, it's worth it. Everyday, I know for sure I am doing it all wrong. I might seriously be damaging these little humans that look to me for everything but at the end of the night when they all hug me goodnight and give me kisses.. it almost wipes the slate clean. I am sure the savings accounts we have set up for college will fund more therapy then education.. but maybe that's just what life is about.
 I love that my kids give me the opportunity, everyday, to be their Mommy. Without them.. I might be wealthy, have the ability to travel a lot and not have to use hair color every three weeks! Without them though, I wouldn't be complete. (:

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Just our Day to Day. Nothing Sad (:

Hey guys! We had a busy week last week and even busier weekend.
 Last Thursday my heart results all came back clean. No sign's of weakness or disease. Good to go! The cardiologist thinks my chest pain is caused from stress and his recommendation is to do what I can to reduce my stress when possible.
 Last Thursday, Riley had a horrible day at school. Sobbing, crying and in general he had a rough, rough day. Their wasn't much I could do, as I had doctor appointments and clients all day..
 So I made up for it on Friday. Cooper and I pulled Riley out of school at noon on Friday and off for an adventure we went! I asked Riley if he would like to take flowers to his daddy's grave and he seemed super excited at the idea. We made it down to Claremont in record time and went to a local flower shop.. We sat outside for 15 minutes waiting for the owner to come back from a delivery when Riley said, "Lets just go visit dad, we don't need flowers." We made our way over to the cemetery and immediately found Jason's site. Oh, what a site it was. Dead flowers littered his grave, all the sprays that were left behind from the funeral, lay dying and decayed. IMMEDIATELY Riley voiced that he did not like it, nor did he want to be there. He went and climbed a tree not to far from the grave and played for a bit while I sat and chatted with Jay.
 We left and drove towards Anaheim to meet up with Jason's cousin Casey, his wife Jillian and their boys Ryder and Brooks (aka Hoops). We had dinner at downtown Disney where the boys quickly acquainted themselves and then we headed back over to their Hotel for some Jacuzzi/swim time. The boys had a blast. They didn't want to leave, Riley even asked to stay the weekend (but he had prior obligations to his Nana and Poppy.) 3.5 hour's driving home, on the 15 freeway, on a Friday night.. I am here to tell you, EFF THAT! Ugh, that construction can't be done soon enough.
 Riley went from one grandparent to the other from Saturday to Monday and he had a great time. I got good reports from both that a lot of fun was had and he was a blast to have!
 He's doing well today. I was at the school this morning for Aubrey's awards.. prepare yourself right now cause I am about to brag so hard. Aubrey girl scored herself a total of 5 awards! One in Math, One in Citizenship, One in Perfect Attendance, One in Honor Roll and a GOLD PRESIDENTIAL AWARD! She is soo incredibly smart and motivated! She makes me so proud.
 I made my way through the kids classes like normal and then said my goodbyes for the summer.  It was pretty awesome being able to volunteer in their classes this year and I look forward to doing it again next.
 Soon enough, I may start using this blog to exploit my childhood a bit.. and work through some of the issues that have come back my way in the last month or so. Ill warn you in the headlines so that, if you don't have an interest.. You shouldn't read it. It's not a super happy story but obviously my "today" story is. I've always said I should write a book.. but I don't think thats my speed as I have tried several times.. and it just comes out sloppy.
 I hope all my friends had a fabulous Memorial Day weekend and Thank You to all the military men and women whom I have the pleasure of knowing, past and present. <3

Monday, May 18, 2015

(:

It's been a few days. I haven't posted much because I haven't had much to update.
Riley spent the weekend with his Nana and came home yesterday evening. We went bowling last night and then came home.
 Today we had a normal day, I picked the kids up, came home.. they played, I baked and cooked. The difference between today and a day five weeks ago are the "statements" Riley makes.
 Reagan, Aubrey's friend came over for the day.. Riley said, "Mommy, were my daddy's eyes blue like hers?" as we were sitting at the dinner table. I said, "Yes they were bud!" as enthusiastically as possible, to which he replied, "Yep but now my daddy has passed away.."
 Boy, does that break my heart over and over. I do not know at all how to comfort my child. I don't know what to say to things like that. So I just, smiled.
 Yesterday was a hard day for me. I couldn't figure out why.. Jason weighed heavy on my heart. I wanted to call him and let him know that Riley finally got a haircut and that he will be getting an award this week. "Teacher's Choice" because, DUH, he's that awesome. Things like Riley getting a haircut were normal, everyday exchanges between the two of us. I miss those.
 Riley seem's to be adjusting "ok". His "new" normal is working but I am having a hard time adjusting to our normal not including Jason.
 In time, I know. It won't ever get easier, just less raw.
 As you all can imagine and I am sure most of you have voiced it or I have voiced it to you, It is true.. What my baby is going through has DEFINITELY re-kindled some of my very own "mommy/daddy" issues.
 I play over and over in my head the last conversation I had with my mom before she died. It was sudden, unexpected and much like Jason, she was gone to soon and to young.
 I still, as an adult, try to imagine who or what my dad was like and what kind of role he would play in my life. He has been gone for 28 years.. and I STILL try to imagine those things.
 I want to believe that as time goes on and we share memories of Jason with Riley that he will understand how much his daddy loves him. I hope that he doesn't let that feeling of abandonment define who he is or becomes. I hope Sean and I can show him how much he really is LOVED, WANTED and ADORED. I hope his light shines again and the anger that I see in him subsides..
 It's getting easier to get out of bed and do what I need to do. The first couple of weeks were a real challenge for me. I shed a few less tears with each day and I can't believe it's already been a month since the day he passed.
 I still don't have enough thankful words for those that have been there for us. The staff at the kids school, our friends, family and my clients. My amazing husband who has stood mournfully and supportive by my side and never wavered for a second in his love for Riley or me as we both selfishly mourn Jason. I have so many people to be thankful for. So much to be thankful for.. I think more then anything, those are the reasons it's easier each day. I still love THIS life, this one were in right now. I just wish that it still included the other 50% to Riley's equation.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Living in a Fog..

Hey guys(:
 I started to update yesterday but Sean gently pointed out that last night was a movie date for us and to get off the computer.
 Yesterday was a long, busy but good day. I grabbed the kids from the bus, dropped them off with Deedee and then headed over to see a friend of mine who's baby was in the ER. I spent some time there with her and her little squishy before Sean met me there, picked me up and we trekked "down the hill."
 As you all know, I broke my life-line this week and HAD to have it fixed. I checked in at the Apple Store and my appointment wait time was three hours! (I was a walk in appointment). So we took the kids to dinner, dessert and found the boys some "Super cool, make me run fast, jump high and play basketball awesome!" shoes. Bonus for us, both pairs were on clearance. We ended the day at Apple, where the Genius Bar Technician not only offered me a completely NEW phone but also waived all the fee's.
 All day though, I felt like I was in a fog and chalked it up to allergies. The wind was blowing, stuff is blooming.. figured it wasn't a big deal. By the end of the day my right ear was super achy, my throat burned and it hurt to swallow.. I contracted my children's cooties.
  I went straight to bed, hoping I might have the energy to still chaperone Madison's field trip today.. but that was not the case. I slept most of the day today and I have no idea how I am going to make it through my evening at work as I am already ready to crawl back into bed and hibernate like a bear.
Oh, our new hot water heater was installed yesterday and works like a gem! As much as I am grateful to our neighbors, nothing beats showering in my own bathroom(:
 Riley is doing well.. he is currently outside jumping on the trampoline with Aubrey. He is getting an award next week and couldn't wait to tell us about it. I have set him up for counseling over the summer and I think it will benefit him to talk to someone who isn't emotionally tied to the situation (:
So far, our week is turning up and around. <3

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

We survived..

I feel as though 2015 should be referred to as the Ehart/Ashworth apocalypse and every day should be looked at in a survival mode.
 We made it another day, we barricaded, provided food, shelter and minimal hot water to our off spring. "The Neighbor's" survived with us..
 In all seriousness though, I ran today like a marathon and we all came out on top. I spent the morning in the class room's of my three older children while Sean stayed here with Madison (who is recovering from the plague) and Cooper.. who isn't at the age of school just yet. Sean made us home made Lasagna (including the noodles, from scratch) that I was able to pop in the oven as soon as we were able to walk through the door today and in that very moment, that I preheated the oven, I thanked every part of my universe for sending me such a wonderful man.
 After I got home from the school, I was able to inhale some semblance of a lunch, kiss my husband and children before I ran out the door again for an appointment with my heart doctor. Today was an ultra sound and I won't get the results until the 21st, when I go in for the stress test.
 I was out of that appointment in time to swing BACK by my house (for reference sake, I live off Kiowa and my heart doctor is off Hesperia Rd.. "swinging back by" is a loose reference..) to grab the littles, pulled Aubrey from school 10 minutes early JUST IN TIME to be 15 minutes late to their 2:30 dentist appointment. Please applaud, at least we made it.
 Proud Mommy moment, three of my children have made it 6 months without a cavity. (Riley doesn't go again for 2 months.. fingers crossed that I get gold stars across the board.)
 We made it home by 4:45, the kids made dessert with Casondra while I popped that amazing lasagna in the over and steamed up some green beans.
 We ate without anyone choking or coming down with some zombie like infection.. the night is still young.
 Day two of free loading off "The Neighbors" hot water was far more successful and organized then day one. We did get word today that our new (not part, but WHOLE water heater) will be replaced and installed tomorrow. I also get a new phone tomorrow.. So, silver lining to yesterday's debacle.
 Aside from the hot water heater and phone, I am very much looking forward to my husband being home tomorrow, I miss him and by the time he's home, I have cried myself to sleep the last few nights or shortly after his arrival.
 Prop's to all the single moms out there, bigger props to the ones with multiple children. It's only Tuesday and I am ready for that tropical vacation to be dropped on my door step.
 Sean said I should let Riley pick some lottery numbers for us.. He's about ready for a break (and so are we). Maybe once our week stops nickel and dime'ing us to death, we can afford to play (:
 In all seriousness though, I am pretty indifferent today. I think I was to busy to be anything but that, "busy".
 I can't deicide if I am waiting for zombies in this new age scenario, or if we are still lying in the wait, for the buffalo on our Oregon Trail. Either way.. I'd rather fast forward to a calmer place in life, as this spot isn't it.
 Oh, the dog. For the record, she's still alive and has only pee'd in the house twice today. She is just as mad at me as I am her.. so, we have pretty much avoided each other today. She's pretty bitchy and so am I.. the only difference is, I have the authority to lock her outside and leave her out there for my own desired length of time. Suck on that, Charlie.
  Good Night everyone, I sincerely hope that lately, when my loved ones have a trying day.. they think, "Whew, it could have been worse.. I could have been Kristi today." Love you guys!

Monday, May 11, 2015

Yuck.. Just YUCK!

UGHHHHHHHH all over today! From start to finish, I have had enough.
 Today has just been a crap day, literally.
It started this morning when we walked into the garage to take Riley to school.. Sean noticed water on the garage floor. The hot water heater had failed and the device that lights the pilot and seal broke, so our water heater was spewing water, everywhere. Sean was able to shut it off and drain the heater and I was able to contact our home warranty people.. They had someone out within the hour. Awesome, right? No.. It's going to take days to order the part we need.. because of course, that water heater isn't popular anymore. Thank God for the amazing neighbors we have.. who by the way, have names. Casondra and Eric. They not only have been gracious enough to put up with my moody, bitchy self these last few weeks, cook us endless meals and listen to me cry.. but now they have offered up a bathroom for us to use for any length of time needed.
 Let me get back to this day.. I picked the girls up from the bus and we headed to the mall for a few things I needed. Life was good, dandy even. We got home and they got ready for basketball try outs while Casondra took Cooper to play with B. My girls did AWESOME at try outs.. for never playing before, they were pro's. I took video and pictures and was that slightly, "GIVE ME A SMILE!" obnoxious mom.. As we were loading into the car after try outs, my left hand spasmed and I lost control for a second.. That second left my iPhone, face down in the James Woody Parking lot. Shattered. Thats ok! I pay for insurance for a reason, right?! I called, I was passed off to someone else.. I called someone else, they didn't have an answer, check online! Online, my deductible was 199. Eff that! I finally, called Apple directly and low and behold.. it's only 79.00! The kicker is that the store doesn't have an opening until Friday..
 The Apple technician talked me into express shipping.. Cool. Only, I have to turn off "find my iPhone" before he can set this up. It get's better folks.. I can't turn it off from my phone because my screen is shot. So I login, from my computer and he walks me through turning off "find my iPhone" through the iCloud! YAYYYY! .. No, not yay. The "technician" had me wipe my phone clean.. which means I lost all those super proud mommy video's and photos and then we got disconnected when my phone rebooted itself for the "cleanse".
 I finally spoke with a woman, who had a brain and she set me up with an instore appointment for Sunday.. because Sunday, as it turns out.. is the only opening Victoria Gardens has right now.
 I walked over to Eric and Cosandra's to find that Cosandra had not only fed my children but showered them too and was getting them ready for Dessert. Yeah, I told you, they are awesome.
 Cosandra walked me home and helped me get the kids situated.. she sat down to talk to me and I heard Charlie come in her dog door (which I had opened for her when we got back over here).. She walked right over to my large rug and pee'd on it! OBVIOUSLY I lost my cool.. because I really can't take anymore and she HAD JUST COME IN HER DOG DOOR! I locked her outside!
 After the neighbor went back home, I let Charlie in and told her to go get in her kennel.. as I come walking into the room behind her, I find her squatting in my bed room, pooping on the floor. Not just normal dog logs though, it was of course, diarrhea. Because that isn't easy to clean up and the smell makes me want to vomit but its cool.. UGHHHHHH!!! MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!! .. I picked her up and held her over the tile and then I  proceeded to step in it.
 Poop is apparently the straw that breaks my back. I burst into tears and here I sit, sobbing into my blog because I seriously, whole heartedly do NOT have the time to be an alcoholic. Nor do I have the patience to continue on this path of yuck!
 I miss my friend,  I can't fix my broken kid, I feel a ton of pressure right now to do and say the right things for everyone else, to care about every one else's woe's and sadness.. when really, I truly wanna be super selfish and run away.
 I'm tired of being told I am strong, I can do this, it's gonna get better.. it could be worse, count my blessings, just pray, think positive, just cry, just smile.. I JUST DON'T WANNA DO ANY OF THAT RIGHT NOW.
 This moment, this one as I type, I wanna give the stupid dog away, I wanna cry until I have no tears left and I wanna take a hot bath in my bathroom that I pay a hefty mortgage for.
 I wanna walk right up to wherever it is that Jason is and bring him right back down here for our son to have so that his tiny little voice doesn't break my heart anymore when he says, "I just want my daddy."
 I want to spend more then one day a week with my husband because our schedules are so crappy and he's coming as I am going and vice versa.
 Most of all, in this moment, I don't want my room to smell like dog shit.
 I know my language has been less then desirable here and on Facebook today and for that I want to be sorry but I am not.
 I have spent so much time apologizing for who I am lately that I am not sorry that I said fucking or shit.. because to put it mildly.. my life has been pretty much both of those words lately.
 I have tried to laugh at almost every incident thrown my way but today I have no laugh left, only tears. I know tomorrow it will be a better day.. My phone can't get any more broken and the water can't be any less hot.. I am just, very much, in need of a break.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Happy Mother's Day!

Today, my boys were trying. They were testy, bratty and down right mean to each other.. but they were boys and they were mine.
 All of my kids make me thankful, every day to be a Mom.. but my boys are what MADE me a mom. Growing a child in you for nearly 10 months.. and whatever method of birth you choose or are forced into.. MAKES you a mom. I am lucky enough to be Mommy to two incredible boys and "Kristi" or "Mom" to two beautiful girls.. depending on what they want from me. Lol.
 Today, I miss my own Mom. It has been 7 years since she passed and I would give anything to be able to talk to her.
 I was able to celebrate with my aunt DeeDee and cousins this evening which was amazing, fun and much needed. Nothing fills the void of a parent though.. and thats my biggest fear for Riley.
 Sitting at that dinner table tonight, or celebrating with Shondra, Kalyn and Ann today doesn't fill the void of my own Mommy and sometimes, makes me miss her that much more. She wasn't a perfect mom.. or even a good one but if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. That makes me miss her.
 I am grateful to both Jason and Sean, for giving me the ability and opportunity to be a Mom. Seven years ago, when I grew Riley into the perfect little boy that he is.. This is not at all what I planned his life to be. I did not expect to be divorced, or re married or to have the opportunity to mother a child from another man or children who are not biologically mine.. but here we are.
 I love this life and everything it entails.
 I love Riley because he is sweet, kind hearted and handsome. He is the perfect blend of myself and Jason while being well mannered and loving. He is strong, hard headed and stubborn but also kind, loving and gentle. He has my eyes and chin.. but everything else from his dad. I am loving every minute of him growing and am looking forward to his future.
 I love Cooper because of his independence and charm. He is sweet and adorable.. and without calling me fat, reminds me daily that I have chubby cheeks. He loves his brother and I think part of him is lost when Riley isn't here.. He is funny and sweet and will always be "the baby"..
 I love my Aubrey Girl.. for so many reasons. I swear.. she may be biologically mine! We have so much in common. She is artistic and witty, she is funny and romantic. She is beautiful inside and out and I am so blessed to have her as a BONUS child. Never a step but an addition to my life.
 Madison, OHHH my madness. Because I list her last does not mean I love her less. She definitely gives me a run for my money. She is beautiful and funny, she is smarter then she gives herself credit for and she is so loving. She is so much like her mother but that is a good thing!
 Because of these four, I am a Mom. Everyday, I do my best and give my all so that they can have more and be more. Everyday, I complain and talk trash but I love them, endlessly. I love them without stipulations and expectations.. I love them because they complete me. I love them because every day is mothers day.. which, if you are a mom, you know that a "Mothers day" doesn't exist. Everyday is about my children and every day will continue to be about my children because they are what matters most.
 Happy Mothers Day to all the Mommies out there. Mine in heaven, my Mommy DeeDee here with me, My other Baby Momma Jeanette and ALLLLLLL of my mommy friends! I hope today was fabulous, regardless of how you celebrated. <

Thursday, May 7, 2015

It has been a good few days..

Despite the sickness, life has been pretty darn good this week.
 Tuesday Riley's fever finally came down and by yesterday the rash and itch were gone.  Tuesday we did a few errands but we mostly stayed in and cooped up, which drove Riley crazy and caused the boys to fight.. consequently, by 4:30 I let them go run circles in the back yard, for my own sanity.
 Yesterday Riley spent a good part of the day with his Nana and then came home in time for a nacho bar here at that house with a bunch of Sean's Costco family and a few close friends. He ran around like a crazy kid with his brother, sisters and a TON of kids. "The Neighbors" as my kids so fondly refer to them as, brought the trampoline over for everyone to bounce on.
 His light is coming back, which makes my heart smile. Like everyone, he spends a lot of time thinking at night so bedtime and slow, down times seem to catch up with him but for the most part.. his smile has turned up a bit.
 I got report from Riley's teacher that he had the best day today since all of this happened. He managed to make it through the day without needing to leave class, he played with his peer's and told them about his time at home, sick. They all expressed how much they missed him and he genuinely was excited to be back.
 It feels like the last three days here at home with him were very much for a reason. He hasn't asked to many questions but we talk a lot. He finds some positive in all of this which I am grateful for. He said he likes being home with Cooper more because, "Mommy, Coopee-Doo missed me a lot when I was gone for a whole week.."
 I am thankful that once school ends they immediately start basketball, I think staying busy through the summer will help.
  Going back to work today was much needed. I love my family but when things get heavy here I love that I have somewhere to escape to, where I can talk with super fun adults. My clients are so amazing and know me so well that one brought me alcohol and the rest brought me coffee. LOTS of caffeine was consumed today, so much so that I don't know that I will be able to fall asleep anytime soon.
 I feel like life is slowly resuming back to a normal state and I hope I don't disrupt ours by putting that out in the universe. It's been chaotic since about February!
  I don't know how my life ended up where it is today or what I did in a past life to deserve this one. Though it can be chaotic and really down at times, it's still a good one and I am thankful for what I have, even on the bad days.
 I know we will still face some bad days and down times, I know that with time we will figure out our "new" normal.. whatever that means but for today, we are doing a-ok and even a little good. (:
 .. and for all of you who I have made cry with my last few posts.. I want you to know that I cried while writing them. I sobbed, actually.. like, super ugly cry.. but today I am smiling. Today I am thankful for all of you who love me enough to love my family. To care enough to ask, or even read this crazy diary of mine, comfort and shower me with Starbucks and booze.
 So many of you started out as clients and are now my friends. SO many of you have seen me through the good, the bad and the really ugly. Through it all, you guys have shown me an amazing amount of support and for that their isn't enough thanks that I can give. I hope you all know how special you are to me and soon enough, I'll be the same snarky, quirky and sarcastic stylist you have all grown to love. <3

Monday, May 4, 2015

Distractions..

I'd like to think that maybe today's debacle is just some higher power's way of keeping Riley and me distracted.
 Riley stayed the night with his Nana on Saturday, then she called me Sunday to let me know Riley had a high fever and wasn't feeling well, would it be ok to medicate. I ran my necessary errands because I knew he was in good hands and then picked him up. He had been over 103 but had dropped down to 102 by the time I got there.
 We came home, he played for a bit and by bed time he was down to 100.8. I medicated him again before bed and hoped that maybe he is just a little like me and with to much stress, a fever and sleep do me in.
 This AM he woke up at 102.5 ...I didn't freak out.. I even asked my Facebook mommies for some thoughts. We medicated and he even ran some errands with Sean while I had to go to my own Dr. apt for my hands. He came home and took a nap.. by 2:30 he was 103.7 and covered in  this weird, bizarre rash! Off to the ER we went..
 My monkey has bacterial strep throat/tonsillitis and scarlet fever. The craziest part is, he should be miserable but he isn't. He's just a little itchy.
 Were on antibiotics, tylenol, ibuprofen and a heavy dose of "stay in bed and don't share your cooties."
He is mad that I won't let him get up and play but we settled on a family movie on the sofa sleeper in the middle of the living room.
 Here is where it gets hard.
 Today, on my way to the ER I would have called Jason. Infact, two weeks and three days ago, when Riley had an infection in his bowel and we thought it was appendicitis.. I did just that. I called Jason.
 Today I would have text him because this would be the start of his week and we would probably work it out that Riley would stay with me until the rash cleared. Jason would have come by after work or met us at the ER.. because thats how we worked.
  Today I couldn't help but miss the ability to do that. To call him.. and just talk. That is the part that gets me every time.
 So far, Riley has been ok. Today, the nurse asked him if his daddy was at work and he very matter of fact replied, "my daddy is dead.".. I can only assume she asked because I was wearing my wedding ring. However, I could tell she was embarrassed and shocked.
 I had to have a gentle conversation with him that he doesn't "need" to tell everyone that his daddy is dead and maybe we can limit it to friends and family?
  I don't really know how to  properly approach that but maybe for all our sake.. not blurting it out all the time may help the healing.. and make others feel a little less "uncomfortable."
Either way, he just said, "ok".
 I feel like repeating things like, "I need a break".. or "I am tired" is getting old and bringing me more bad then good.
 My grandma text me earlier to tell me how strong I am.. I don't feel strong. I feel like a combination of things and strong is none of the adjectives I would use..
I feel like I can relate to the tin man from The Wizard of Oz, hollow inside with a broken heart, maybe a little cowardly like the lion, however I do have more brains then the scare crow.
 Today I will end the day by counting my blessings. I have four beautiful and other wise, healthy children. I have a husband who loves and adores me and my children and doesn't treat any one of them different then the next. I have amazing friends and family who are more then "there" for me and a clientele that always amazes me with their care for our well being and their constant ability to make me laugh.
 Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

It isn't "Tomorrow" anymore..

We survived yesterday. I was a big girl and didn't call in sick on life..
 The services for Jason were beautiful. He was loved by so many people. His parents did an amazing job. Everyone who spoke, spoke of him for who he really was.
 Rosalie did a beautiful job with her musical number and Eric (Jason's best friend) gave the best Eulogy ever.
 Riley needed to share about his Daddy and for a scared, sad 6 year old little boy.. He did a great job. He told everyone that he knows they will all miss Jason and it's ok to be sad but it's also ok to be happy, just be you and that Jason will always be in our hearts.
 Riley was sad and happy at the same time. He had cousins he had never met and some he knew very well to run around and play with.
 We left around 2:00 and Riley spent most of his day very down, sad and quiet. I felt like he kept looking for excuses to be sad. When we got home I asked, "Bud, do you just need to cry?" and he said, "No.." and I said, "are you sure? because you look like you just need to cry.. and if you need to cry, let it out!".. my baby broke down. He sobbed and cried and just repeated over and over, "I want my daddy back, I want my daddy back.." I just held him and let him cry.
 We were supposed to go see the Avenger movie as a family but by the time I got home my head was pounding from crying and I felt like I had no steam left in me. Sean, being the amazing man he is.. took Riley and Cooper to see the movie, while the girls and I stayed home and then got ready to go to friends houses.
 With it being such a heavy, sad day.. we all just needed a break. Riley went to his Nana's for the night per his request, Aubrey to her friend Taylor's and Madness to her friend Alexis's house.
 By the end of the night, Sean and I had ended up at our friend Matt's house (ugh.. that guys is such a lame).. and we laughed for a good part of the night.. genuinely, laughed, had a good time and we didn't talk about funerals or sad children.. we got to be us and happy.
 Today my heart is at peace, I woke up knowing tomorrow is behind us and we can begin to move forward. I know it won't be easy but we can do it because we are strong and a family full of love for one another.
  Thank you to Sherry (Taylor's mom) for taking Aubrey and showing her a good time, Thank you to Joie and Trevor (Alexis's mommy and daddy) for taking Madison and making sure her night ended with laughs and a good time and Thank you to Matt, Mary Beth, Colin, Gabby, Theresa, Matt and all the other people that I promised I would forget their names for showing us a good time last night.
 I am going to end this blog here because our AMAZING neighbors have made breakfast for Cooper, myself and Charlie (yes.. even the dog) and we must now shuffle over there in our jammies.
 Happy Sunday, everyone. <3

Friday, May 1, 2015

Insert witty title here..

I can't help but want to call in sick to life tomorrow.
 I know that isn't the appropriate feeling but I am beginning to feel like "strong" isn't in me anymore.
 I am tired, really tired. I know this can't be about me right now and really needs to be about Riley but right now I need to have a break down moment and I know that that is ok.
 I looked at Riley today and at times I felt like he is just a shell. He looks on the outside how I feel on the inside and I hate that.
 I hate that I can't fix his little heart. I hate that he has to experience this and today, today I want to yell and scream and throw my own temper tantrum, pitty party. I won't.. but that doesn't change the fact that I want to.
 Please don't confuse this anger today with an anger towards Jason. I am not angry with him and that is the honest truth. I am at peace and I hope he is to..
 It just breaks every part of me when I look at my baby and that light in his eyes is gone. That once ear to ear smile.. seems a little less visible and way to slanted downward for him to be my boy.
 Today I keep asking myself, How did we get here? How did this tiny speed bump turn into this horrible, rough and rocky mountain. How did it go from being a Thursday call to Daddy/Mommy because he missed one of us.. to he's never going to be able to talk to or see his Daddy again?
 How is that fair? I don't want to be angry and sad, I don't want to be a wreck anymore.. But Damn, it's hard!
 Every time he looks at me with that sad, defeated little face I break inside. This isn't how it was supposed to be for him. Our "normal" was a good one!
 I know with time it will be less raw, I know once we make it through tomorrow we can all begin to heal, I know that in a blink of an eye we will talk about how many years have passed, how hard it is to believe and how it will always feel like it happened just yesterday.
 The urge to pick up my phone and call Jason on a day to day basis hasn't gotten any better or easier.. in fact I find my hand in my phone and unlocked ready to call before it dawns on me, he won't be on the other end to answer.
 Today is overwhelming knowing that tomorrow will be here sooner rather then later. Today, I don't want tomorrow to come because I am not ready to say goodbye.
 Tomorrow makes everything final, real and I am really scared for that.
  For all the times I watched Jason waste a life (because if you knew Jason, you knew he had 9 more then a cat..) I never imagined this would be how his end would come.
 In high school Jason drove his car off the side of Mt. Baldy and didn't have a scratch to show for it.
 I watched him drink like his liver was competing for an olympic medal..
 I saw him WALK OUT OF ARROWHEAD REGIONAL the day after he was life flighted in from a motorcycle accident.
 Car accidents, broken glasses, getting hit by cars, wrecking on his bicycle and relapse after relapse.. Never did I think his end would come at 30, with our 6 year old lost, sad and feeling alone in a crowded room.
 Today, I am tired. Today, I am sad and today, I don't want it to be tomorrow.
 Today, I just want to laugh and really feel happy. I want to smile but not because the world expects it.. Today, I want my baby to be more then just "ok".
 I'm going to spend tomorrow away from my phone. We plan to take the kids out for some fun after the funeral because a beautiful Saturday can't be spent being super sad all day. Tomorrow, I hope we can start the road to healing because being "stuck" right here, right now, hurts all of us more then it helps.