Monday, April 11, 2016

Being Strong is Hard..

The last couple days I have been really sad. Unexplainably sad.. But I put on a happy face and do what I need to do...
 Today, Riley lost his first tooth. Man, that kid has so patiently waited for this day. He has asked me several times over the last two years when that would happen and WHY hasn't it happened to him yet?!
 I was SO excited to be able to pull that thing out! Wiggly teeth seriously gross me out. As soon as it was out and we could find the tooth (it was small and it got lost in one of the rugs) he asked me to take a picture and send it to Dad! As requested, I snapped the cutest picture of my baby and off into mass messaging it went, next to instagram and by default, Facebook.
 My next step was to call Jason, like all milestones and minor events.. it's a knee jerk reaction. Only to be slapped in the face once again that he would not be there to answer.
 This Mommy lost it. Out of nowhere, I had this overwhelming wave of emotion wash over me and all I could do was cry. I cried that my baby is growing up and I cried that once again, Jason is missing out on something so minor but so big at the same time.
  I know that these posts and these feelings are all so redundant but I guess thats the way of grieving, right?
 We put on our happy faces and went to celebrate with friends for a 7 year olds party. (Thanks for being born Eizen VonArx!)

Sometimes I Adult So Hard..

.. and sometimes I don't adult at all.
 So, this grief class I am in, is coming to an end. As I near the end, my homework assignments are a lot harder then when I started the class. This week I have to write a letter to Jason. I have to say "Goodbye" to the pain that is associated with his loss.. ironically, Monday the 18th marks the one year anniversary of his death.
 As you can imagine, I haven't done my homework for last week.. and this week's class was canceled.. which gives me plenty of time to continue to procrastinate.
 I should be writing my letter instead of writing in my blog.. All six of you who read this are definitely my top priority right now.
 Almost a whole year has passed since I have gotten to hear my friend's voice or see him in person and I am not ready just yet, to say goodbye to the pain I feel because of the lack of his presence in our life.
 Also, because of this class and because I have been an emotional basket case these last couple of days.. I have been reflecting on the OTHER major losses in my life. One in particular stands out and has been recirculating in my head the last few days..
 Why is losing a friend, so hard? I have lots of friends that I don't talk to on any sort of regular basis.. and sometimes I go MONTHS without contacting them or vice versa and all is right in the world.. but the solid motion of ending a friendship, why is that so hard to let go of?
 This particular friendship, was a friendship I thought would last a lifetime. I can't put into words here why it ended, or who was wrong.. or if their was even really a wrong.. I guess, in every situation we want to feel better by being the wronged, right?
 Anyway, I have tried to tell myself the last couple of years that I am better off without this friend in my life.. and though that may be true, it does not make it hurt any less. I have found myself making mental tally marks of all the times I was present for this friend.. of all the times I stepped up instead of stepping out only to realize that I am only making myself feel worse.
 What does it matter how many times I showed up to be a "friend"? What does it matter how many times she didn't?
 I recently commented about how, when Jason passed, this person didn't reach out to me for a solid five days and when she finally did, it was only to ask what happened to him. It felt like a slap in the face.. No contact from said person for seven months and then BOOM! Out of nowhere with a bullshit text message. (Obviously, I've let go of THAT anger..)
 Anyway, I need to let it go, I know. I need to accept that I won't ever get the apology I think I deserve from said person and I need to be ok with that. For my own self.. I need to accept that I can not, nor do I want to change the situation between myself and said non-friend.. So, I shouldn't keep hashing it out in my brain grapes.
 I know that I am not the only person who experiences these feelings when it's time to out grow a friend because I know that I have friends, who are human. Hell, some of you reading this are probably friends who have outgrown me or vice versa.. but I am just so fabulous, you're holding on and reading my drama! (kinda just kidding..) Sometimes though, when you're going through these feelings, it can be pretty lonely and that sucks.
 What it all boils down to is that I super need to accept that I am really happy with where our life has landed.. right here, even with all the bumps, mountains and terrain we have endured the last couple of years.
 I have an amazing husband who works REALLY hard for us, four beautiful, happy, smart, sometimes smelly but totally worth it-children, I have a great home and the ability to provide for our family. I have an amazing group of friends who ARE here, who ARE present and who have supported all of us in our up's and down's.
 I miss Jason terribly, for a lot of reasons. I was lucky we managed a pretty decent friendship.. and missing that on top of all the other stuff that makes my heart "feel" things is pretty crappy.
 I guess I'll end this here.. I probably won't go do my homework, to be honest.. I'll probably put it off till Sunday but it felt really good to get that other stuff off my chest and into something that I can sorta make sense of.  (: