Monday, August 10, 2015

Most Nights, I Just Don't Know..

It's a working title.
 Since the start of school last week I have put on this brave face, this happy go lucky attitude and a make up caked smile.. but inside, I am sad, angry, hurt and going through some shit. (Yep, it's going to be one of those "blogs"..)
 After Jason and I divorced, I sought counseling. I got to go and really grieve the loss of my Mom, the loss of a Dad I never knew and deicide what part of my life was good, bad or ugly. I got to work through the issues I had with my Mom being a drug addict, the step dad who "stepped" right on out of my life and the father I never had the chance to know. It's amazing how working through those steps and knowing how good my life is now, how experiencing those things made me a stronger person today and how they helped me identify my behavioral patterns and my choice in people as an adult.
 It's also amazing, how watching my tiny little human go through heart break, can take every step I have made it through and every ounce of grief I have healed through.. and set me right back at the beginning. It's crazy to think, that at 30 years old.. I still have to work through some "Mommy/Daddy issues".
 I have always said that no matter what, my kids won't experience what I had to experience. My kids wouldn't know that life on any level.. and no matter how hard I have to work.. My kids will have everything they need. They will have a parent who is present, they will have a home to live in, clothes to wear, shoes that fit and a parent who loves unconditionally. Sometimes, I may go to extreme.. but I am almost always, doing the most I can for my kids.
 Yet here I sit, in this stage of life.. watching my child experience cloudy milestones, a life of loss, no matter how great the amount of people in his life and the imprints that have been left that I prayed he would never know and that my friends, leaves me feeling pretty shitty inside, incredibly frustrated and dare I say.. MAD.
 That also leaves me battling my own demons, which is fine.. I am used to that but now I am learning how to battle my demons with one hand while guiding a child through his with the other.. and still trying to find time and effort for 3 other tiny humans and 1 large. Oh, and the dog.. lets not forget my year old impulse.
 Some days it feels like yesterday that our life was flipped upside down and inside out.. and others it feels like 4 months. 4 months we have spent cycling through these patterns and 4 months we have spent trying to find normal, happy and routine.
 I know I end every blog with how this will get easier and how this phase will pass.. but honestly.. I just don't know anymore. It has been 7.5 years since my mom passed. A whole lifetime ago, yet some days, its so raw.. I feel like she was just here.
 So, as much as I try to candy coat my life and tell myself it's all going to be ok.. I just can't be sure. I do know, that were doing this one day at a time.. and I am giving it my all, which some days, isn't much.
 I guess when you spend your day's doubting every word, every lecture and every action.. You're bound to get something right.. and when they lay their heads down on their pillows at night and give me sloppy kisses.. there is a peace and comfort in knowing that no matter how bad I messed up that day.. tomorrow is a new one. (That I will likely, mess up).
 I have always joked that if my kids weren't in therapy by the time they were 18.. then maybe I hadn't done my job as a parent. Little did I know that one day that wouldn't be a joke and that 1/4 of my children would end up there, sooner rather then later.
 This isn't a pity post either, by any means.. It's therapeutic for me to get this all out and somedays I feel like unloading on my husband as he walks in the door from a long work day isn't healthy for either of us. Thats when I find myself here.. typing all my heartbreak into a box and hoping that maybe, someone will take comfort in knowing that no matter how bad their day was.. They aren't Kristi Ehart and that is a thumbs up.
 I know I am strong, I know how much I have endured and how little credit I give myself. I also know how much I can handle before I break.
 Today though and for the better part of last week.. I just felt crappy. I know thats ok but I don't wanna wallow anymore. I find myself getting stuck in the mud while trying to pull Riley out and in the struggle, we both start to sink.
 Until something better or worse happens, I'll keep on keeping' on. <3

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Back To School.. (YES!!!)

Tomorrow is the day that all parent's of multiple/school aged children look forward to. It is probably, by far, the most anticipated day of the year in this home. Quickly followed by the LAST day of the school year.
 This house hold has been prepping for tomorrow for weeks! We have shopped till we dropped, we have packed our bags full of pretty pens, pencils, erasers and paper galore!
 Officially tomorrow, I am the proud Mommy of a Pre-Schooler, a Second Grader, a Fifth Grader and a Seventh Grader! It isn't even bitter sweet, I am going to bask in those three quiet hours a day, until Cooper comes home to set my life straight again. But TODAY we made sure our brand new shoes still fit and those outfits we picked out were still ok! We packed our healthy fruits into smaller bags, checked all our lists, trimmed hairs, fingers, toes, brushed teeth, set alarms and tucked into bed!!!
Then it was this Mommy's turn to prepare for tomorrow..
 As I showered, I couldn't help but burst into tears. I am talking, sad, ugly tears.. that are already coming back and forming in my eyes. It dawned on me that in all my prep and all my gusto and excitement for tomorrow.. I am clouded with a sadness that Jason won't be meeting us at the school to see Riley off into his first day of second grade. Though I know my brave, happy boy won't say it, I know he will notice it too and that breaks my heart.
 It was a quick realization tonight that forever, my son's happy milestones will be clouded with the fact that his daddy isn't physically present. For once in this entire situation I can relate to exactly how he feels.
 Tonight as I ugly cry, I am filled with a lot of anger and sad and I HATE those feelings. I am SO angry that Jay isn't here anymore and I am SO sad that Riley will always know that feeling..
 I have been thinking so much lately about how this isn't how Riley's life was supposed to be. His life wasn't supposed to mirror mine. It was not easy for Jay and I to build a friendship after divorce but we managed to make it work. We made it work for Riley because thats who mattered. Riley was supposed to always have at least 3 loving parents to support him and be present for all his events. He was supposed to have Jason, Sean and me.. because thats how its been and thats how it worked, really, really well.
 I know I need to suck it up and quit wallowing.. but it's really hard. Though I am adjusting,  I don't so much like this new standard of normal. I am super thankful for the happy stuff to recall and the time we all had with Jason but today, I selfishly would like him to be present for tomorrow and knowing he won't be makes my heart super fucking achy. (pardon my language.. but its an eff word kind of day.)