I don't know if it was the fact that I didn't pour myself into bed until nearly two am..
Or maybe the fact that I woke up to the news of a family friend's passing..
Maybe it's hearing my baby scream in agonizing pain as they set his arm in his sling last night that plays over and over in my head today..
Or the fact that today, for the first time in a long time I feel like I am not enough for my household. I am not physically, emotionally or mentally enough for both of my children who need me in two totally different ways today.
Riley has really been my whole world for the last two months. I have focused on keeping him busy/ occupied, made myself available for his needs in school, here at home and in every way possible. I have been fortunate enough that my other three children have really been on auto-pilot and ok with the shift in dynamics. (with a few, minor hiccups..)
Until today. Today, Cooper has needed a little more focus, a little more attention and more of me. Riley has expressed in various ways that he is NOT ok with this and I finally, had to have a "Mommy Meltdown".
It started this morning in the car. Cooper needs to sit on the side of the car that is typically "Riley's side". The way the seat belt falls on Cooper's sling from the driver side of the car, puts to much pressure on his elbow and hurts so we have had to shift him to the passenger side. Keep in mind, this does not at all make my life easier as I now have to walk around the car to put him in and take him out because he is down to one hand. Riley's hissy fit was remedied when I said, "enough".. or so I thought.
We left around 1:00 to go grab coffee and then head to the pediatrician's office. Riley proceeded to tell me from the driveway to The Grind how horrible his seat is, how horrible the seat belt is (really, kid?) and how unhappy he is that Cooper can't just "lift his arm over the belt!"
You can imagine.. my nerves are shot but I still, patiently explained to Riley, the way the belt falls hurts his brother. I didn't yell or snap at him.. and even SHOWED him as we got out of the car together how the two sides are different right now.
I made sure their iPads were charged and let them take them to the Dr.'s office today because I knew, being a same day appointment would make things a little congested for those see'ing us today..
While I was talking to our wonderful friend and doctor, Riley huffed and puffed and proceeded to interrupt us to let me know he wanted to go home, now.
(Side note, Cooper was seen today to assess the damage and we are now waiting on a referral for a pediatric surgeon, STAT!.. He is still in a great deal of pain and in a splint for the next week and a 1/2.. or until we see the surgeon, whichever comes first.)
If you have been around us in a social setting.. or not in a social setting, you know that I do not let this behavior slide. Today, I did not have fight in me.
We had to make a quick stop at Rite-Aid for a better sling for Cooper as the one he got at the ER isn't enough support and Riley had an opinion about that too..
By the time we made our way to Costco I was out of steam. Riley started fighting with his brother in the cart and I couldn't handle it anymore. I still, did not yell.. instead I turned it into an example and the meaning of selfish. I explained to Riley that his behavior was incredibly selfish today. Knowing that selfish is not a word he knows.. we had the opportunity to talk about it. I explained to Riley that back when he was hurt and he couldn't walk on his leg that I carried him everywhere. I helped him go potty, I carried him to the car and his brother (and sisters) sat through a few appointments for him.. without complaint. I made sure his leg was always up on a pillow and I made sure he had his medicine and everything he needed when he needed it. I also gently reminded him that lately, we have been very sensitive to his feelings, his needs and we even still accommodate his fear of dogs at our friend's houses.. so the fact that he is fighting with me over a seat, picking on Cooper and his iPad, fighting with him in the cart.. is really making it hard for me to get through this day and that was pretty selfish of him. Man, that was hard.. because as tears streaked down his face (I promise, I wasn't yelling!) It dawned on me that yes, though my six year old was being selfish.. I was not enough for both of my children in that moment and that was a moment of complete, failure.
We pulled it together (meaning he stopped crying).. and he and Cooper fell asleep in the cart. I finished the shopping that I had no intention of doing and loaded the kids into the car.. on opposite sides of "normal".
I backed out of the stall and made my way to the gas pumps.. where I had a total and complete Mommy Melt Down. I silently and heavily cried my eyes out as I waited in that long line for gas. Tears streaked down my face as I pumped my gas and as I drove down the 15 fwy, in the slow lane to get home. I got off on 18 and realized.. I still need to feed these monsters dinner. To go home and cook? I didn't know how much longer I could stay upright and together.. So I veered toward McDonalds.
Yeah, today I was that Mom.. the one who couldn't pull it together and the one who everyone silently judges. Not only did I purposely, pre meditated, electronically babysit my children at the doctor.. but I ended the night by feeding them mediocre crap, fast food.
Honestly, I'm not even sorry for it.. Judge that.
As Cooper continues to sleep on the couch and ignore dinner that I slaved over.. Riley and I talked here at the table as he ate his Cheeseburger, plain, ketchup only and his Gogurt.. I said Sorry for hurting his feelings and he said Sorry for not being more helpful.. We are "all good" now and he's off to play.
I took my mommy time out to blog this and cry some more.
Today, I would like for my universe to take pity on me. I would love for today to stop sucking and for my world to be upright.. Today, I am very much having a pity party and I only invited myself.
Today will turn into tomorrow and the next day.. and this feeling will go away. Today though, this feeling of inadequacy and failure did not feel so good and I have a hunch that these feelings and myself will meet again, sooner rather then later.
I am going to end this, "Dear Diary" rant here and just say.. My sincere condolences go out to the Valdez family, Roger, you will be missed. Your laugh was contagious, your sense of humor crass and your language as foul as mine. Our conversations were always long but I always took something away from them.. mostly a smile.
I will finish today with more grace then I started with.. and though 2 of my 4 babies are broken.. I will give Thanks that my house is still standing and that it is almost bed time. (: