Thursday, April 30, 2015

So, very tired.

 I swore I was going to be more diligent in using this blog and shocker, I failed. As most of you know, Jason, my ex-husband passed away nearly two weeks ago. This post won't be about him though.. this post is to answer most of the questions and statements I have been asked the last two weeks and maybe, to express a little of my own fear for my child.
 My Riley Fox. What an amazing, talented, sweet, loving, adorable and handsome little man I have had the pleasure of being mom to for the last 7 (when you count the time I grew him in my womb.) years. Did you know that Riley means Courageous and Valiant? That was why I picked his name in the first place, Jason liked that it has an irish origin.. but to me, that meaning meant so much more.
 Riley is doing "ok". On the outside, he is a normal little boy who still loves his legos, loves to taunt and tease his brother and push his sister's buttons. He still gets up and gets dressed the same way, he still fights me in the morning when it comes to styling his hair and he's still my monkey, who hates homework. 
 You know what I saw today though, that I have never seen before? I saw a fear on my child's face when he couldn't immediately see me in a crowd. I saw the panic and anxiety that came over him when I would step out of sight or he couldn't feel my presence. 
 My strong, independent, handsome little man, is not so independent right now.. and that breaks my heart in so many ways that I can't even begin to make sense, let alone explain.
 Over the last two weeks a lot of people have told me how lucky Riley is to have me as his mommy. That if anyone can get him through this, it will be me, because I know how he feels. I know these are meant to be words of comfort for both myself and Riley but they can't be more far from the truth.
 My mom was a drug addict and my dad was gone before I could say words or wipe my own butt.
Riley had a chance to know his Dad. Riley won't have the same story as me, his will be harder because he lost his hero.
 I don't know the proper way to comfort my child and help him grieve but I sure am giving it my all. 
 If you know me in the real world, you know I am a matter of fact person. I grieve, I get angry, I get over it and I move on. 
 This time, I refuse to move on without my baby and I feel as though we are stuck and for once I am ok with being stuck.. as long as he knows I am here. 
 I have had to hold my baby and reassure him of his daddy's love for him. I have had to tell him that his daddy misses him just as much as he misses his daddy. I have had to tell my son that for the first time, I can't fix his hurt and that kills me.
 I have tried my best to prepare him for what is to come on Saturday. I have told him that lots of people will cry for his daddy, lots of people will tell funny, happy stories and lots of people will want to hug him. I have told him that we will be there for him and we all love him so much.
  I wish I had more words for people when they ask how "we are doing".. but I don't.  I wish I could fix my baby and his heart but I can't.  More then anything I wish I could give him "enough" of everything I know he will eventually feel like he's missing. Because even though our stories are different, that feeling of abandonment is the same for anyone who has lost a parent.
 I know we are strong and I know we will get Riley through this. I KNOW how much love Riley has around him and how special all my kids are. 
 We haven't been laughing as much lately but we are definitely trying.
 Thanks for all the love, support, words of encouragement and even to those lucky enough to hear me rant and cry. I love you all right back and I don't know where we would be without all the love and support.

No comments:

Post a Comment