Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Back To School.. (YES!!!)

Tomorrow is the day that all parent's of multiple/school aged children look forward to. It is probably, by far, the most anticipated day of the year in this home. Quickly followed by the LAST day of the school year.
 This house hold has been prepping for tomorrow for weeks! We have shopped till we dropped, we have packed our bags full of pretty pens, pencils, erasers and paper galore!
 Officially tomorrow, I am the proud Mommy of a Pre-Schooler, a Second Grader, a Fifth Grader and a Seventh Grader! It isn't even bitter sweet, I am going to bask in those three quiet hours a day, until Cooper comes home to set my life straight again. But TODAY we made sure our brand new shoes still fit and those outfits we picked out were still ok! We packed our healthy fruits into smaller bags, checked all our lists, trimmed hairs, fingers, toes, brushed teeth, set alarms and tucked into bed!!!
Then it was this Mommy's turn to prepare for tomorrow..
 As I showered, I couldn't help but burst into tears. I am talking, sad, ugly tears.. that are already coming back and forming in my eyes. It dawned on me that in all my prep and all my gusto and excitement for tomorrow.. I am clouded with a sadness that Jason won't be meeting us at the school to see Riley off into his first day of second grade. Though I know my brave, happy boy won't say it, I know he will notice it too and that breaks my heart.
 It was a quick realization tonight that forever, my son's happy milestones will be clouded with the fact that his daddy isn't physically present. For once in this entire situation I can relate to exactly how he feels.
 Tonight as I ugly cry, I am filled with a lot of anger and sad and I HATE those feelings. I am SO angry that Jay isn't here anymore and I am SO sad that Riley will always know that feeling..
 I have been thinking so much lately about how this isn't how Riley's life was supposed to be. His life wasn't supposed to mirror mine. It was not easy for Jay and I to build a friendship after divorce but we managed to make it work. We made it work for Riley because thats who mattered. Riley was supposed to always have at least 3 loving parents to support him and be present for all his events. He was supposed to have Jason, Sean and me.. because thats how its been and thats how it worked, really, really well.
 I know I need to suck it up and quit wallowing.. but it's really hard. Though I am adjusting,  I don't so much like this new standard of normal. I am super thankful for the happy stuff to recall and the time we all had with Jason but today, I selfishly would like him to be present for tomorrow and knowing he won't be makes my heart super fucking achy. (pardon my language.. but its an eff word kind of day.)

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