Monday, August 10, 2015

Most Nights, I Just Don't Know..

It's a working title.
 Since the start of school last week I have put on this brave face, this happy go lucky attitude and a make up caked smile.. but inside, I am sad, angry, hurt and going through some shit. (Yep, it's going to be one of those "blogs"..)
 After Jason and I divorced, I sought counseling. I got to go and really grieve the loss of my Mom, the loss of a Dad I never knew and deicide what part of my life was good, bad or ugly. I got to work through the issues I had with my Mom being a drug addict, the step dad who "stepped" right on out of my life and the father I never had the chance to know. It's amazing how working through those steps and knowing how good my life is now, how experiencing those things made me a stronger person today and how they helped me identify my behavioral patterns and my choice in people as an adult.
 It's also amazing, how watching my tiny little human go through heart break, can take every step I have made it through and every ounce of grief I have healed through.. and set me right back at the beginning. It's crazy to think, that at 30 years old.. I still have to work through some "Mommy/Daddy issues".
 I have always said that no matter what, my kids won't experience what I had to experience. My kids wouldn't know that life on any level.. and no matter how hard I have to work.. My kids will have everything they need. They will have a parent who is present, they will have a home to live in, clothes to wear, shoes that fit and a parent who loves unconditionally. Sometimes, I may go to extreme.. but I am almost always, doing the most I can for my kids.
 Yet here I sit, in this stage of life.. watching my child experience cloudy milestones, a life of loss, no matter how great the amount of people in his life and the imprints that have been left that I prayed he would never know and that my friends, leaves me feeling pretty shitty inside, incredibly frustrated and dare I say.. MAD.
 That also leaves me battling my own demons, which is fine.. I am used to that but now I am learning how to battle my demons with one hand while guiding a child through his with the other.. and still trying to find time and effort for 3 other tiny humans and 1 large. Oh, and the dog.. lets not forget my year old impulse.
 Some days it feels like yesterday that our life was flipped upside down and inside out.. and others it feels like 4 months. 4 months we have spent cycling through these patterns and 4 months we have spent trying to find normal, happy and routine.
 I know I end every blog with how this will get easier and how this phase will pass.. but honestly.. I just don't know anymore. It has been 7.5 years since my mom passed. A whole lifetime ago, yet some days, its so raw.. I feel like she was just here.
 So, as much as I try to candy coat my life and tell myself it's all going to be ok.. I just can't be sure. I do know, that were doing this one day at a time.. and I am giving it my all, which some days, isn't much.
 I guess when you spend your day's doubting every word, every lecture and every action.. You're bound to get something right.. and when they lay their heads down on their pillows at night and give me sloppy kisses.. there is a peace and comfort in knowing that no matter how bad I messed up that day.. tomorrow is a new one. (That I will likely, mess up).
 I have always joked that if my kids weren't in therapy by the time they were 18.. then maybe I hadn't done my job as a parent. Little did I know that one day that wouldn't be a joke and that 1/4 of my children would end up there, sooner rather then later.
 This isn't a pity post either, by any means.. It's therapeutic for me to get this all out and somedays I feel like unloading on my husband as he walks in the door from a long work day isn't healthy for either of us. Thats when I find myself here.. typing all my heartbreak into a box and hoping that maybe, someone will take comfort in knowing that no matter how bad their day was.. They aren't Kristi Ehart and that is a thumbs up.
 I know I am strong, I know how much I have endured and how little credit I give myself. I also know how much I can handle before I break.
 Today though and for the better part of last week.. I just felt crappy. I know thats ok but I don't wanna wallow anymore. I find myself getting stuck in the mud while trying to pull Riley out and in the struggle, we both start to sink.
 Until something better or worse happens, I'll keep on keeping' on. <3

No comments:

Post a Comment