The last couple days I have been really sad. Unexplainably sad.. But I put on a happy face and do what I need to do...
Today, Riley lost his first tooth. Man, that kid has so patiently waited for this day. He has asked me several times over the last two years when that would happen and WHY hasn't it happened to him yet?!
I was SO excited to be able to pull that thing out! Wiggly teeth seriously gross me out. As soon as it was out and we could find the tooth (it was small and it got lost in one of the rugs) he asked me to take a picture and send it to Dad! As requested, I snapped the cutest picture of my baby and off into mass messaging it went, next to instagram and by default, Facebook.
My next step was to call Jason, like all milestones and minor events.. it's a knee jerk reaction. Only to be slapped in the face once again that he would not be there to answer.
This Mommy lost it. Out of nowhere, I had this overwhelming wave of emotion wash over me and all I could do was cry. I cried that my baby is growing up and I cried that once again, Jason is missing out on something so minor but so big at the same time.
I know that these posts and these feelings are all so redundant but I guess thats the way of grieving, right?
We put on our happy faces and went to celebrate with friends for a 7 year olds party. (Thanks for being born Eizen VonArx!)
Monday, April 11, 2016
Sometimes I Adult So Hard..
.. and sometimes I don't adult at all.
So, this grief class I am in, is coming to an end. As I near the end, my homework assignments are a lot harder then when I started the class. This week I have to write a letter to Jason. I have to say "Goodbye" to the pain that is associated with his loss.. ironically, Monday the 18th marks the one year anniversary of his death.
As you can imagine, I haven't done my homework for last week.. and this week's class was canceled.. which gives me plenty of time to continue to procrastinate.
I should be writing my letter instead of writing in my blog.. All six of you who read this are definitely my top priority right now.
Almost a whole year has passed since I have gotten to hear my friend's voice or see him in person and I am not ready just yet, to say goodbye to the pain I feel because of the lack of his presence in our life.
Also, because of this class and because I have been an emotional basket case these last couple of days.. I have been reflecting on the OTHER major losses in my life. One in particular stands out and has been recirculating in my head the last few days..
Why is losing a friend, so hard? I have lots of friends that I don't talk to on any sort of regular basis.. and sometimes I go MONTHS without contacting them or vice versa and all is right in the world.. but the solid motion of ending a friendship, why is that so hard to let go of?
This particular friendship, was a friendship I thought would last a lifetime. I can't put into words here why it ended, or who was wrong.. or if their was even really a wrong.. I guess, in every situation we want to feel better by being the wronged, right?
Anyway, I have tried to tell myself the last couple of years that I am better off without this friend in my life.. and though that may be true, it does not make it hurt any less. I have found myself making mental tally marks of all the times I was present for this friend.. of all the times I stepped up instead of stepping out only to realize that I am only making myself feel worse.
What does it matter how many times I showed up to be a "friend"? What does it matter how many times she didn't?
I recently commented about how, when Jason passed, this person didn't reach out to me for a solid five days and when she finally did, it was only to ask what happened to him. It felt like a slap in the face.. No contact from said person for seven months and then BOOM! Out of nowhere with a bullshit text message. (Obviously, I've let go of THAT anger..)
Anyway, I need to let it go, I know. I need to accept that I won't ever get the apology I think I deserve from said person and I need to be ok with that. For my own self.. I need to accept that I can not, nor do I want to change the situation between myself and said non-friend.. So, I shouldn't keep hashing it out in my brain grapes.
I know that I am not the only person who experiences these feelings when it's time to out grow a friend because I know that I have friends, who are human. Hell, some of you reading this are probably friends who have outgrown me or vice versa.. but I am just so fabulous, you're holding on and reading my drama! (kinda just kidding..) Sometimes though, when you're going through these feelings, it can be pretty lonely and that sucks.
What it all boils down to is that I super need to accept that I am really happy with where our life has landed.. right here, even with all the bumps, mountains and terrain we have endured the last couple of years.
I have an amazing husband who works REALLY hard for us, four beautiful, happy, smart, sometimes smelly but totally worth it-children, I have a great home and the ability to provide for our family. I have an amazing group of friends who ARE here, who ARE present and who have supported all of us in our up's and down's.
I miss Jason terribly, for a lot of reasons. I was lucky we managed a pretty decent friendship.. and missing that on top of all the other stuff that makes my heart "feel" things is pretty crappy.
I guess I'll end this here.. I probably won't go do my homework, to be honest.. I'll probably put it off till Sunday but it felt really good to get that other stuff off my chest and into something that I can sorta make sense of. (:
<3
So, this grief class I am in, is coming to an end. As I near the end, my homework assignments are a lot harder then when I started the class. This week I have to write a letter to Jason. I have to say "Goodbye" to the pain that is associated with his loss.. ironically, Monday the 18th marks the one year anniversary of his death.
As you can imagine, I haven't done my homework for last week.. and this week's class was canceled.. which gives me plenty of time to continue to procrastinate.
I should be writing my letter instead of writing in my blog.. All six of you who read this are definitely my top priority right now.
Almost a whole year has passed since I have gotten to hear my friend's voice or see him in person and I am not ready just yet, to say goodbye to the pain I feel because of the lack of his presence in our life.
Also, because of this class and because I have been an emotional basket case these last couple of days.. I have been reflecting on the OTHER major losses in my life. One in particular stands out and has been recirculating in my head the last few days..
Why is losing a friend, so hard? I have lots of friends that I don't talk to on any sort of regular basis.. and sometimes I go MONTHS without contacting them or vice versa and all is right in the world.. but the solid motion of ending a friendship, why is that so hard to let go of?
This particular friendship, was a friendship I thought would last a lifetime. I can't put into words here why it ended, or who was wrong.. or if their was even really a wrong.. I guess, in every situation we want to feel better by being the wronged, right?
Anyway, I have tried to tell myself the last couple of years that I am better off without this friend in my life.. and though that may be true, it does not make it hurt any less. I have found myself making mental tally marks of all the times I was present for this friend.. of all the times I stepped up instead of stepping out only to realize that I am only making myself feel worse.
What does it matter how many times I showed up to be a "friend"? What does it matter how many times she didn't?
I recently commented about how, when Jason passed, this person didn't reach out to me for a solid five days and when she finally did, it was only to ask what happened to him. It felt like a slap in the face.. No contact from said person for seven months and then BOOM! Out of nowhere with a bullshit text message. (Obviously, I've let go of THAT anger..)
Anyway, I need to let it go, I know. I need to accept that I won't ever get the apology I think I deserve from said person and I need to be ok with that. For my own self.. I need to accept that I can not, nor do I want to change the situation between myself and said non-friend.. So, I shouldn't keep hashing it out in my brain grapes.
I know that I am not the only person who experiences these feelings when it's time to out grow a friend because I know that I have friends, who are human. Hell, some of you reading this are probably friends who have outgrown me or vice versa.. but I am just so fabulous, you're holding on and reading my drama! (kinda just kidding..) Sometimes though, when you're going through these feelings, it can be pretty lonely and that sucks.
What it all boils down to is that I super need to accept that I am really happy with where our life has landed.. right here, even with all the bumps, mountains and terrain we have endured the last couple of years.
I have an amazing husband who works REALLY hard for us, four beautiful, happy, smart, sometimes smelly but totally worth it-children, I have a great home and the ability to provide for our family. I have an amazing group of friends who ARE here, who ARE present and who have supported all of us in our up's and down's.
I miss Jason terribly, for a lot of reasons. I was lucky we managed a pretty decent friendship.. and missing that on top of all the other stuff that makes my heart "feel" things is pretty crappy.
I guess I'll end this here.. I probably won't go do my homework, to be honest.. I'll probably put it off till Sunday but it felt really good to get that other stuff off my chest and into something that I can sorta make sense of. (:
<3
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Sometimes, It Isn't About Having An Opinion At All..
This week has been a tough one. This week has been exhausting and I am so glad this week is almost over.
This week, I have learned that being emotionally invested in someone is more work then I anticipated. This week, I learned some serious lessons.
I learned that I can be a friend without an opinion. Though hard, I can stand by someone's side through the thick and thin. I can put judgment aside even when the world can't, I can still see the good in someone's heart. I have come to understand through my own poor choices that not one of us is perfect. This has been super fucking hard.
The first part of my week I spent seriously questioning my judgment. My choice in people.. My, "WTF radar" was crazy on edge.
I had to step back and assess my situation from an outside view. I had to remind myself that sometimes friendship's are hard and I had to tell myself over and over that I wouldn't want my people to turn their back on me in any time of need.
What I have come to learn is that when someone makes a mistake and everyone wants to remind them, criticize them or snub them, sometimes, the one left standing beside them doesn't have to agree with them but can hold their hand without pointing a finger and shaming them.
For a hot second, I worried what people might think of me, their opinion of how my support may jeopardize my moral compass.
The lesson I learned is that though I do care what people think of me, I can't let that stand in the way of being present for my people. I have to trust that anyone who knows me, knows my heart and knows my worth as much as I know theirs.
The first part of this week I almost went into "self preservation mode". You know the one, where you sever the limb instead of taking the time to fix it. I am really good at this mode. I can walk away and not look back, without skipping a beat! I'm super cold like that..
However, my husband kept me on my path, he reminded me that there are points and purposes and that not everything is about ME.
So, to the people I know and love.. all of you. You know me, you know I am going to call you on your bullshit. Thats why you chose me as a friend. Thats why as family, you still choose to talk to me. I am learning that I am not always going to like your choices, I will not always understand why you do the things you do.. but I love you, I will stand by you and I will do my best to put my judgments aside. I will always try to be the friend that I hope you will be for me when I make mistakes. I will be your friend and shoulder your burdens with you because thats what friends do.
This week, I learned that even though being emotionally invested in someone is super, duper fucking hard, being a friend is not.
I don't blog this for a gold star or recognition.. I blog to remind others that sometimes putting your opinion's in your pockets and standing next to a person regardless of your own belief may be the difference that someone needs. You might not change the world but you may be a positive factor in an otherwise shitty situation.
This week, I have learned that being emotionally invested in someone is more work then I anticipated. This week, I learned some serious lessons.
I learned that I can be a friend without an opinion. Though hard, I can stand by someone's side through the thick and thin. I can put judgment aside even when the world can't, I can still see the good in someone's heart. I have come to understand through my own poor choices that not one of us is perfect. This has been super fucking hard.
The first part of my week I spent seriously questioning my judgment. My choice in people.. My, "WTF radar" was crazy on edge.
I had to step back and assess my situation from an outside view. I had to remind myself that sometimes friendship's are hard and I had to tell myself over and over that I wouldn't want my people to turn their back on me in any time of need.
What I have come to learn is that when someone makes a mistake and everyone wants to remind them, criticize them or snub them, sometimes, the one left standing beside them doesn't have to agree with them but can hold their hand without pointing a finger and shaming them.
For a hot second, I worried what people might think of me, their opinion of how my support may jeopardize my moral compass.
The lesson I learned is that though I do care what people think of me, I can't let that stand in the way of being present for my people. I have to trust that anyone who knows me, knows my heart and knows my worth as much as I know theirs.
The first part of this week I almost went into "self preservation mode". You know the one, where you sever the limb instead of taking the time to fix it. I am really good at this mode. I can walk away and not look back, without skipping a beat! I'm super cold like that..
However, my husband kept me on my path, he reminded me that there are points and purposes and that not everything is about ME.
So, to the people I know and love.. all of you. You know me, you know I am going to call you on your bullshit. Thats why you chose me as a friend. Thats why as family, you still choose to talk to me. I am learning that I am not always going to like your choices, I will not always understand why you do the things you do.. but I love you, I will stand by you and I will do my best to put my judgments aside. I will always try to be the friend that I hope you will be for me when I make mistakes. I will be your friend and shoulder your burdens with you because thats what friends do.
This week, I learned that even though being emotionally invested in someone is super, duper fucking hard, being a friend is not.
I don't blog this for a gold star or recognition.. I blog to remind others that sometimes putting your opinion's in your pockets and standing next to a person regardless of your own belief may be the difference that someone needs. You might not change the world but you may be a positive factor in an otherwise shitty situation.
Monday, March 7, 2016
No More Counting Days..
Here we are, past our largest milestone, with no need to count down to anything anymore. Here we are, living our days the same as before.
I want to say "Thank You" to all of our friends and family who came to our home to help us celebrate a monumental day for our family of six. Thank you to everyone who pitched in to make it great, who brought gifts when it wasn't necessary and those who showed up and showed support. We love you all.
As most of you know, I have been attending a grief recovery group for the last five weeks. In this group we've touched on how the things we say, can impact a person.. even if we don't mean for it to and how some words of comfort, don't bring comfort at all.
I bring this up because so many times before, during and after the adoption it was said to my husband what a "Real Man" he was for doing this for Riley (and sometimes, Me.)
My husband (whom I lovingly refer to as my ginger) is SO many things but "MORE" or "REAL" of a "MAN" he is not, for the sole action of adopting a child that was always "ours."
Sean is an amazing provider. He provides us with love, encouragement, strength, praise and his presence. He is also funny, smart, charismatic, loving but also, lovable. My husband is handsome.
My husband has ALWAYS been a REAL MAN. (Crazy, right?)
Let me back up for a minute though.. You see, the man I fell in love with was already great man. He was an amazing father to his two girls, he was a hard worker and a great friend. What was MORE was that he could be both of those things to Riley and me.
From the start, Sean treated Riley as though he had always been a part of his life. He stepped in and changed dirty diapers, he spent countless hours awake at night so I could sleep, he cared for my child while I worked. In most cases.. he's a far more patient parent then I could ever be. He was a real man for me, from the very start. Sean has always been Riley's second Dad, so much so, that Riley doesn't remember a time when his "Seany" wasn't here.
Now let me fast forward. For all of Jason's short comings he was a great father. Jason did not leave this world leaving Riley feeling like he was a burden or unwanted, that is for sure. So there was no metaphorical plate for Sean to step up to. Jason's absence was a series of events, yes.. but I do not think he purposely left his son. Riley will ALWAYS know how much BOTH of his daddy's have loved and do love him.
So, for those that have said what a "real man Sean is to take on someone else's child".. though I am sure this is mostly generational and not meant to sound as absurd as it does.. It does not bid well as a compliment. In fact, it's almost demeaning to him and us. What was he before this life event? Has he been a "fake" man for the last five and a half years? What about the years before he "took on" my child? Do the seven he spent before us not count at all?
I love my ginger, I love this family and I love the effort we have both given to each others children. I love that I can count on my ginger-bearded husband for any walk through our life. I can count on him to be a great dad, I can count on him to be an amazing husband and I know his heart has always been as loving as it is today.
I love that we have blended our lives seamlessly and though it isn't always easy, he makes my life easier.
I'm sure that this statement said to my husband over and over is mostly a response to not knowing the right words to say at all.
So to my husband, I want to say.. I love you, I am thankful for you and I have always thought of you as a real man. I am lucky to know you, to be your wife and your side kick. I am a better person because you are mine and I am yours. Thank you for ALWAYS loving Riley and me, for allowing me to love whole heartedly our girls and for giving me Cooper, I am positive he is the universe's way of trying to teach me patience. Thank you for unifying our family because Riley asked you to. Thank you, for wanting to be his Daddy - no matter the title in front of it. Step Dad, Bonus dad, Seany dad or now, Daddy -here on Earth.. I love every part of who you are and why you are the person you are.
(I made it a whole blog post without an obscene word, all for you, babe.)
I want to say "Thank You" to all of our friends and family who came to our home to help us celebrate a monumental day for our family of six. Thank you to everyone who pitched in to make it great, who brought gifts when it wasn't necessary and those who showed up and showed support. We love you all.
As most of you know, I have been attending a grief recovery group for the last five weeks. In this group we've touched on how the things we say, can impact a person.. even if we don't mean for it to and how some words of comfort, don't bring comfort at all.
I bring this up because so many times before, during and after the adoption it was said to my husband what a "Real Man" he was for doing this for Riley (and sometimes, Me.)
My husband (whom I lovingly refer to as my ginger) is SO many things but "MORE" or "REAL" of a "MAN" he is not, for the sole action of adopting a child that was always "ours."
Sean is an amazing provider. He provides us with love, encouragement, strength, praise and his presence. He is also funny, smart, charismatic, loving but also, lovable. My husband is handsome.
My husband has ALWAYS been a REAL MAN. (Crazy, right?)
Let me back up for a minute though.. You see, the man I fell in love with was already great man. He was an amazing father to his two girls, he was a hard worker and a great friend. What was MORE was that he could be both of those things to Riley and me.
From the start, Sean treated Riley as though he had always been a part of his life. He stepped in and changed dirty diapers, he spent countless hours awake at night so I could sleep, he cared for my child while I worked. In most cases.. he's a far more patient parent then I could ever be. He was a real man for me, from the very start. Sean has always been Riley's second Dad, so much so, that Riley doesn't remember a time when his "Seany" wasn't here.
Now let me fast forward. For all of Jason's short comings he was a great father. Jason did not leave this world leaving Riley feeling like he was a burden or unwanted, that is for sure. So there was no metaphorical plate for Sean to step up to. Jason's absence was a series of events, yes.. but I do not think he purposely left his son. Riley will ALWAYS know how much BOTH of his daddy's have loved and do love him.
So, for those that have said what a "real man Sean is to take on someone else's child".. though I am sure this is mostly generational and not meant to sound as absurd as it does.. It does not bid well as a compliment. In fact, it's almost demeaning to him and us. What was he before this life event? Has he been a "fake" man for the last five and a half years? What about the years before he "took on" my child? Do the seven he spent before us not count at all?
I love my ginger, I love this family and I love the effort we have both given to each others children. I love that I can count on my ginger-bearded husband for any walk through our life. I can count on him to be a great dad, I can count on him to be an amazing husband and I know his heart has always been as loving as it is today.
I love that we have blended our lives seamlessly and though it isn't always easy, he makes my life easier.
I'm sure that this statement said to my husband over and over is mostly a response to not knowing the right words to say at all.
So to my husband, I want to say.. I love you, I am thankful for you and I have always thought of you as a real man. I am lucky to know you, to be your wife and your side kick. I am a better person because you are mine and I am yours. Thank you for ALWAYS loving Riley and me, for allowing me to love whole heartedly our girls and for giving me Cooper, I am positive he is the universe's way of trying to teach me patience. Thank you for unifying our family because Riley asked you to. Thank you, for wanting to be his Daddy - no matter the title in front of it. Step Dad, Bonus dad, Seany dad or now, Daddy -here on Earth.. I love every part of who you are and why you are the person you are.
(I made it a whole blog post without an obscene word, all for you, babe.)
Sunday, February 28, 2016
#FiveDays..
It feels like the last year of my life has been measured by days, months, markers and milestones.
In the last ten months I have doubted myself as a person and as a Mom. I have been my worst enemy, my biggest critic and at times I have felt like I might just lose my mind.
I sit here today, content. With lots of tears, hard work, self reflection, words of advice from just about everyone and therapy for 1/2 of the members in our house.. we are on the road to mending our very, broken hearts.
It has been awhile since I have blogged.. I have been busy with lots of stuff and things. This last week though, I was asked some very personal questions about our dealings and adoption. Nothing that made me uncomfortable and certainly no criticism.. but because I was asked these questions.. I thought I might share them with the rest of you, who might be wondering the same thing. Here they are:
1.) Why?
Well this one is easy. The biggest "Why" is because Riley ASKED for this. Without prompting, without prodding.. Our child sought the knowledge he needed and wanted about sharing a "daddy" with his siblings and with counsel, we thought it to be the best decision for our house.
My Why is the comfort and stability that my husband brings to this equation. Riley was very blessed to have two loving, nurturing fathers for 6 years and sadly, that number has dwindled to just one.. However, he is a great man for the "job". I find comfort in knowing that if something were to ever happen to me, Riley would have a parent here who knows my wishes and wants and he would have stability in an unsettling time.
2.) Are you going to change his name?
Yes. For so many reason's but again because Riley asked. He actually asked to change his whole name to Jacob Randall Ehart and I said No. Mainly because he isn't a Jacob, he is a Riley. Which, yes, I can hear you all saying, "but he isn't an Ehart either, He's an Ashworth." So i'll break this down too.
For simplicity reason's, changing Riley's name makes sense. One day, when the funds are right we would like to travel with our kids. We would like to obtain passports, ect. and take them somewhere, anywhere.. before they are grown. If Riley is an Ehart, there is less documentation for me to acquire, keep track of and explain in every way.
For unity. Remember, up there ^, where I have said a couple times that Riley ASKED for this? Riley asked for this because he wants to fit in, to belong, to identify. In his 7 year old heart he wants to be apart of this crazy family and I am learning by watching him.. that he doesn't want to tell his story the sad way anymore. This isn't to say he is forgetting his Daddy Jason, infact, its the opposite. We talk about Daddy Jason all the time and how Daddy Jason is still his Daddy in Heaven.
Nothing is permanent besides Death (and my shitty blues clues tattoo.) but when Riley is 18, he will have the option to change his name back to Ashworth if he so chooses, Sean and I will both support him in that choice.
3.) Why aren't you hyphenating?
For the love of all that is Holy, this child has been through enough! Riley Fox Ashworth-Ehart sounds like it should have "and associates" at the end. My seven year old is not a law firm, a widow or an identity crisis.. He is a seven year old boy who is OK with being the same as the rest of us. Besides, remember I like things simple? Every-Single-Legal-Document would have to be written out as Riley Fox Ashworth-Ehart.. If you have ever purchased a home, I rest my case here.
4.) Is he excited?
Our entire family is excited. Though it may not be visible from the outside, because, well, were pretty good at pretending that we have our shit together.. this has been a tough year for all of us. The girls have had to face a lot and be strong in so many ways, Riley had to deal with a loss that no child should have too and as parents we have done our best to side line and prepare for all the storms while doing our best to protect everyone involved. WE ARE ALL OVER THE MOON about this life event and we can't wait to party with all of you.
Thats pretty much the just of it. I hope breaking it down for you, helps you guys to understand where we are as a family. Riley is far more resilient then I could have ever imagined him to be.. but he's still a seven year old boy, wanting what everyone else has. He wants what any kid in his situation would want. He doesn't have to choose which parent he loves more, he isn't being pitted against anyone in an ugly battle. He is a boy who has had to face adversity young and who is finding positive in what would other wise be, a shitty, negative, horrible situation.
Riley loves his Daddy Jason and he's also, always loved his Daddy Sean. He doesn't remember a life without either of them. He's a great kid, all of my kids are.
So in closing, were happy, were mending and soon, we will be the #EhartPartyOfSix.
In the last ten months I have doubted myself as a person and as a Mom. I have been my worst enemy, my biggest critic and at times I have felt like I might just lose my mind.
I sit here today, content. With lots of tears, hard work, self reflection, words of advice from just about everyone and therapy for 1/2 of the members in our house.. we are on the road to mending our very, broken hearts.
It has been awhile since I have blogged.. I have been busy with lots of stuff and things. This last week though, I was asked some very personal questions about our dealings and adoption. Nothing that made me uncomfortable and certainly no criticism.. but because I was asked these questions.. I thought I might share them with the rest of you, who might be wondering the same thing. Here they are:
1.) Why?
Well this one is easy. The biggest "Why" is because Riley ASKED for this. Without prompting, without prodding.. Our child sought the knowledge he needed and wanted about sharing a "daddy" with his siblings and with counsel, we thought it to be the best decision for our house.
My Why is the comfort and stability that my husband brings to this equation. Riley was very blessed to have two loving, nurturing fathers for 6 years and sadly, that number has dwindled to just one.. However, he is a great man for the "job". I find comfort in knowing that if something were to ever happen to me, Riley would have a parent here who knows my wishes and wants and he would have stability in an unsettling time.
2.) Are you going to change his name?
Yes. For so many reason's but again because Riley asked. He actually asked to change his whole name to Jacob Randall Ehart and I said No. Mainly because he isn't a Jacob, he is a Riley. Which, yes, I can hear you all saying, "but he isn't an Ehart either, He's an Ashworth." So i'll break this down too.
For simplicity reason's, changing Riley's name makes sense. One day, when the funds are right we would like to travel with our kids. We would like to obtain passports, ect. and take them somewhere, anywhere.. before they are grown. If Riley is an Ehart, there is less documentation for me to acquire, keep track of and explain in every way.
For unity. Remember, up there ^, where I have said a couple times that Riley ASKED for this? Riley asked for this because he wants to fit in, to belong, to identify. In his 7 year old heart he wants to be apart of this crazy family and I am learning by watching him.. that he doesn't want to tell his story the sad way anymore. This isn't to say he is forgetting his Daddy Jason, infact, its the opposite. We talk about Daddy Jason all the time and how Daddy Jason is still his Daddy in Heaven.
Nothing is permanent besides Death (and my shitty blues clues tattoo.) but when Riley is 18, he will have the option to change his name back to Ashworth if he so chooses, Sean and I will both support him in that choice.
3.) Why aren't you hyphenating?
For the love of all that is Holy, this child has been through enough! Riley Fox Ashworth-Ehart sounds like it should have "and associates" at the end. My seven year old is not a law firm, a widow or an identity crisis.. He is a seven year old boy who is OK with being the same as the rest of us. Besides, remember I like things simple? Every-Single-Legal-Document would have to be written out as Riley Fox Ashworth-Ehart.. If you have ever purchased a home, I rest my case here.
4.) Is he excited?
Our entire family is excited. Though it may not be visible from the outside, because, well, were pretty good at pretending that we have our shit together.. this has been a tough year for all of us. The girls have had to face a lot and be strong in so many ways, Riley had to deal with a loss that no child should have too and as parents we have done our best to side line and prepare for all the storms while doing our best to protect everyone involved. WE ARE ALL OVER THE MOON about this life event and we can't wait to party with all of you.
Thats pretty much the just of it. I hope breaking it down for you, helps you guys to understand where we are as a family. Riley is far more resilient then I could have ever imagined him to be.. but he's still a seven year old boy, wanting what everyone else has. He wants what any kid in his situation would want. He doesn't have to choose which parent he loves more, he isn't being pitted against anyone in an ugly battle. He is a boy who has had to face adversity young and who is finding positive in what would other wise be, a shitty, negative, horrible situation.
Riley loves his Daddy Jason and he's also, always loved his Daddy Sean. He doesn't remember a life without either of them. He's a great kid, all of my kids are.
So in closing, were happy, were mending and soon, we will be the #EhartPartyOfSix.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Even Mommy's Break..
Two hours ago we should have been landing in Seattle for an adult weekend away. We should be well into our trip up to Canada as I type this but we aren't. I am sitting at the table typing away as Riley and Cooper play video games with a friend who is sleeping over.. because we stayed home.
The decision to cancel our trip was mutual and I am trying to be ok with it, since it was mostly my anxiety and fear that lead us in this direction.
Cooper is having surgery in 19 days and I have to keep him germ free and healthy until then. So, the thought of even taking three days away and leaving him in someone else's hands made me cringe and lose sleep. Blame it on my control issues and I know we have time to take trips later.. (this doesn't make me any less sad that we aren't going today.)
It has been 9 months since Jay passed. Somedays we do ok and others not so much. I realized not to long ago though that I have spent so much time hovering over Riley that I haven't stepped back to look at my own emotional situation.. and man, what a shit show that is.
Here is what I realized. I need help because this Mommy is broken too.
I noticed that I am struggling when it comes to parenting Riley. I don't want to yell, I don't want to take things away, I don't want to punish him because he's been through a lot! Logically, I know this isn't ok. Logically, I know that my seven year old can see right through this disadvantage and often runs with it. Logically, I know that every kid needs structure and discipline no matter whats going on. However, my heart isn't on that page yet and I don't know how to get it there.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes he pushes far enough and I get on him.. but then I spend hours in my room, in tears because I don't want to yell, scream and discipline. Are you see'ing my cycle yet?
I am see'ing a therapist now, the same therapist as Riley. I am being open about this because maybe someone else will see this and understand that it's ok to talk to someone. It's ok to be broken and it's ok to want help. I feel like the stigma that surrounds therapy or anti depressants is ludicrous, so here I am.. sharing me, with you. ( for the record, I am not on antidepressants because I would like that to be a last resort.. however, I am not against them.)
In therapy I have learned that I am angry with Jay (which I have known..) but how deep my anger really goes is scary and something I need to come to terms with so that I can be able to let it go.
I am not angry with him because of our divorce or the hate we spent spewing at each other for years.. but more because of how he left us, in this situation and how broken all the pieces are. Including my own..
You see, Riley isn't a burden to me. He never has been and there have been several times I had to step up and be his everything. I have always done so because being his mommy and being a decent one has always been my priority. This time though, I feel like Jay broke us both and those pieces can't be put back together which makes me angry. I am angry at every milestone he isn't here for, I am angry that he is missing holidays and birthdays but mostly I'm angry that I can't tell him I am angry with him.
I am working through these things but I am also learning what triggers them. Never in a million years would I have guessed that looking at Riley and see'ing a facial expression or a certain tone could rile my insides. Never would I have guessed that see'ing so much of Jason in Riley would make my heart ache and miss him and I would have never guessed it would make me mad. Yep, it makes me mad!
Mad that for the rest of his life he will hear things like, "You look just like your Daddy.." or "Your Daddy would have been so proud of you for..". I learned that this makes me mad because these are things I grew up hearing and unless you have ever been compared to your dead parent, you don't really understand the proper response to these statements(their isn't a proper response, ever.) ... The responses to these statements are usually awkward silence, a half assed "thanks" or a "really?" but what you feel inside is hurt. Inside, you feel a void that can't be filled. Inside you ache because you realize in that moment how much you're missing because of the absence of that person. (Remember a few months back, I blogged about how Riley's loss was probably going to mix up my own mommy and daddy issues?! .. Well here they are, folks! Grab some popcorn, it's going to get good.)
I know that anger is part of the grieving process and I feel like I am spending a lot of time in this part of the process, so therapy will be good for me. I know that working through this with someone else is also beneficial for my own mental health.
My therapist gave me a homework assignment this week. I have to write a letter to Jason. I have to put the things in my heart on real paper and tell him why I am mad at him. I have to tell him how his absence is affecting my ability to parent, how his absence pisses me off and how this life isn't being very fair. I have to write this letter as though I have the ability to hand it to him. For whatever reason, it's harder then I thought it would be.
It's cathartic to put my feelings here. It's comforting to know that when I want to, I can scroll through our progress of the last nine months and smile, cry or embrace some of the shit we overcame. (the week from Hell, when the water heater broke and I stepped in warm, runny dog shit.. all in one day?!) I can imagine that once I start my letter, it will also be cathartic.. but getting started is a struggle. It has to be done by Monday. (insert procrastination face here.)
Aside from the anger, I am getting through the rest of my days just fine.
I am so thankful for Sean. Thankful to have such a loving, understanding husband who can distinguish between my love for Jason and being in love with Jason (which I wasn't anymore and hadn't been for a long time.) I am thankful that my husband knows without me having to reassure him that me being sad over Jason's absence is because of the presence he had in our life and that Sean misses him to. I am thankful he supports my need for therapy and offer's encouraging words.
Just like the other storms I have endured, I will make it through this one too and so will Riley. He has some strong parents left here to get him through this crazy stuff.. and I am glad that I know myself well enough to know that I can't fix me on my own, which means I can't keep strong for him until I fix my own stuff.
Being a parent is hard. Always. If you don't have kids yet and you think it's a walk in the park.. You're a dumb dumb. Though being a parent is hard, being a broken parent to a broken kid is harder then you could ever imagine. Being a broken parent to a broken kid and holding it together is like walking into a gun fight with a butter knife without the ability to hide behind someone or something.
We will figure it out.. probably not in any kind of timely manner.. but we will none the less. (:
The decision to cancel our trip was mutual and I am trying to be ok with it, since it was mostly my anxiety and fear that lead us in this direction.
Cooper is having surgery in 19 days and I have to keep him germ free and healthy until then. So, the thought of even taking three days away and leaving him in someone else's hands made me cringe and lose sleep. Blame it on my control issues and I know we have time to take trips later.. (this doesn't make me any less sad that we aren't going today.)
It has been 9 months since Jay passed. Somedays we do ok and others not so much. I realized not to long ago though that I have spent so much time hovering over Riley that I haven't stepped back to look at my own emotional situation.. and man, what a shit show that is.
Here is what I realized. I need help because this Mommy is broken too.
I noticed that I am struggling when it comes to parenting Riley. I don't want to yell, I don't want to take things away, I don't want to punish him because he's been through a lot! Logically, I know this isn't ok. Logically, I know that my seven year old can see right through this disadvantage and often runs with it. Logically, I know that every kid needs structure and discipline no matter whats going on. However, my heart isn't on that page yet and I don't know how to get it there.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes he pushes far enough and I get on him.. but then I spend hours in my room, in tears because I don't want to yell, scream and discipline. Are you see'ing my cycle yet?
I am see'ing a therapist now, the same therapist as Riley. I am being open about this because maybe someone else will see this and understand that it's ok to talk to someone. It's ok to be broken and it's ok to want help. I feel like the stigma that surrounds therapy or anti depressants is ludicrous, so here I am.. sharing me, with you. ( for the record, I am not on antidepressants because I would like that to be a last resort.. however, I am not against them.)
In therapy I have learned that I am angry with Jay (which I have known..) but how deep my anger really goes is scary and something I need to come to terms with so that I can be able to let it go.
I am not angry with him because of our divorce or the hate we spent spewing at each other for years.. but more because of how he left us, in this situation and how broken all the pieces are. Including my own..
You see, Riley isn't a burden to me. He never has been and there have been several times I had to step up and be his everything. I have always done so because being his mommy and being a decent one has always been my priority. This time though, I feel like Jay broke us both and those pieces can't be put back together which makes me angry. I am angry at every milestone he isn't here for, I am angry that he is missing holidays and birthdays but mostly I'm angry that I can't tell him I am angry with him.
I am working through these things but I am also learning what triggers them. Never in a million years would I have guessed that looking at Riley and see'ing a facial expression or a certain tone could rile my insides. Never would I have guessed that see'ing so much of Jason in Riley would make my heart ache and miss him and I would have never guessed it would make me mad. Yep, it makes me mad!
Mad that for the rest of his life he will hear things like, "You look just like your Daddy.." or "Your Daddy would have been so proud of you for..". I learned that this makes me mad because these are things I grew up hearing and unless you have ever been compared to your dead parent, you don't really understand the proper response to these statements(their isn't a proper response, ever.) ... The responses to these statements are usually awkward silence, a half assed "thanks" or a "really?" but what you feel inside is hurt. Inside, you feel a void that can't be filled. Inside you ache because you realize in that moment how much you're missing because of the absence of that person. (Remember a few months back, I blogged about how Riley's loss was probably going to mix up my own mommy and daddy issues?! .. Well here they are, folks! Grab some popcorn, it's going to get good.)
I know that anger is part of the grieving process and I feel like I am spending a lot of time in this part of the process, so therapy will be good for me. I know that working through this with someone else is also beneficial for my own mental health.
My therapist gave me a homework assignment this week. I have to write a letter to Jason. I have to put the things in my heart on real paper and tell him why I am mad at him. I have to tell him how his absence is affecting my ability to parent, how his absence pisses me off and how this life isn't being very fair. I have to write this letter as though I have the ability to hand it to him. For whatever reason, it's harder then I thought it would be.
It's cathartic to put my feelings here. It's comforting to know that when I want to, I can scroll through our progress of the last nine months and smile, cry or embrace some of the shit we overcame. (the week from Hell, when the water heater broke and I stepped in warm, runny dog shit.. all in one day?!) I can imagine that once I start my letter, it will also be cathartic.. but getting started is a struggle. It has to be done by Monday. (insert procrastination face here.)
Aside from the anger, I am getting through the rest of my days just fine.
I am so thankful for Sean. Thankful to have such a loving, understanding husband who can distinguish between my love for Jason and being in love with Jason (which I wasn't anymore and hadn't been for a long time.) I am thankful that my husband knows without me having to reassure him that me being sad over Jason's absence is because of the presence he had in our life and that Sean misses him to. I am thankful he supports my need for therapy and offer's encouraging words.
Just like the other storms I have endured, I will make it through this one too and so will Riley. He has some strong parents left here to get him through this crazy stuff.. and I am glad that I know myself well enough to know that I can't fix me on my own, which means I can't keep strong for him until I fix my own stuff.
Being a parent is hard. Always. If you don't have kids yet and you think it's a walk in the park.. You're a dumb dumb. Though being a parent is hard, being a broken parent to a broken kid is harder then you could ever imagine. Being a broken parent to a broken kid and holding it together is like walking into a gun fight with a butter knife without the ability to hide behind someone or something.
We will figure it out.. probably not in any kind of timely manner.. but we will none the less. (:
Friday, December 11, 2015
To My Daughters..
Tonight as we drove home from Aunt Kasie's house, you asked Dad and me who has been harder to raise.. boys or girls. Dad told you that none of it is easy and you all had your pro's and con's.
My answer was different, my answer is more complicated. My bond with you was not as easy to form as others and took far more patience on my end.. and lot's of those day's I had very little patience at all. The weeks were short but some of those days in the beginning were long.
There is something I want you to know though and I mean this from the very bottom of my heart. I have loved you from the very beginning. I knew I loved you before I knew I was in love with your Daddy. I knew that my life wouldn't be easier with you in it but my life would be more complete than I ever imagined.
In the beginning, you two held me to an un achievable standard. You held me to the standard of your Mommy, something that I will never, ever live up to and something I can't ever be. Do not mistake those words or take them as a statement of, "I'm not your mom nor do I want to be." But I will never be your Mommy. I will never know what it was like to grow you or carry you in my womb. I won't ever miss the sounds of your first cries because I was not there for those moments. However, I am so lucky to be an addition to your Mommy. I am so lucky to be your "Momma K", or as you so lovingly refer to me, your "bonus" Mom.
I have been blessed to be apart of so many of your milestones.
Madison, I got to help get you ready for your first day of Kindergarten, I have had the pleasure of being present at your awards ceremonies, your parent teacher conferences and we have had so much fun building our own family traditions.
Aubrey, I had the pleasure of doing your hair and make up for your very first dance, we have had very meaningful conversations about my childhood, the grandparents you'll never know and I have also had the pleasure of being present for so much of your schooling milestones.
I have been a fill in for sick nights, I have cleaned your vomit out of carpet, I have shuffled you to Dr. appointments, dentist appointments, play dates, back to school nights, science fairs, dances, sleep overs and countless vacations and even our trips to the local store are mostly enjoyable. What's most valuable to me though is how much I have gotten to watch you grow. I have watched you both come into your own, to have your own real thoughts and personalities.. you both are becoming beautiful, respectful, smart little women.
What I want you to know and understand more then anything is that even though those beginning day's were hard for me I know they were just as hard for you.
You guys went from being a family of four to being shuffled from parent to parent. You barely had time to adjust to that and really enjoy your daddy before Riley and I came into the picture. Then came Cooper! It was a lot of change, for all of us.
The last five years have been fun, challenging and exhausting but worth every minute. I wouldn't trade any of you for the world, I would move mountains for all four of you and I can't imagine my life without any one of you. I am thankful for you, each and every one of you and I love you all so much, for so many reasons.
Aubrey, you are so talented in so many ways. You are athletic and artistic, you have a beautiful singing voice and your confidence is admirable. You're so smart and beautiful beyond words. I am enjoying this part of your life and watching you learn how to build lasting friendships with your peers.
Madison.. Oh Madison. You are also beautiful beyond words and incredibly intelligent. You are strong willed and independent. I pray that those two qualities take you down positive paths in your life. You make me laugh and listening to you talk tonight about how you would do anything you can to protect your brothers made my heart smile.
My life is better with you two in it. My heart is full and I am looking forward to being present for so many more of your milestones..
Our life might seem messy to a lot of people from the outside looking in, Hell.. some days it looks messy from the inside to.. but one thing is for sure, I love this life of ours, I love our family of 6 (8 if you count these mangy mutts).. but mostly, I love you. All of you..
My answer was different, my answer is more complicated. My bond with you was not as easy to form as others and took far more patience on my end.. and lot's of those day's I had very little patience at all. The weeks were short but some of those days in the beginning were long.
There is something I want you to know though and I mean this from the very bottom of my heart. I have loved you from the very beginning. I knew I loved you before I knew I was in love with your Daddy. I knew that my life wouldn't be easier with you in it but my life would be more complete than I ever imagined.
In the beginning, you two held me to an un achievable standard. You held me to the standard of your Mommy, something that I will never, ever live up to and something I can't ever be. Do not mistake those words or take them as a statement of, "I'm not your mom nor do I want to be." But I will never be your Mommy. I will never know what it was like to grow you or carry you in my womb. I won't ever miss the sounds of your first cries because I was not there for those moments. However, I am so lucky to be an addition to your Mommy. I am so lucky to be your "Momma K", or as you so lovingly refer to me, your "bonus" Mom.
I have been blessed to be apart of so many of your milestones.
Madison, I got to help get you ready for your first day of Kindergarten, I have had the pleasure of being present at your awards ceremonies, your parent teacher conferences and we have had so much fun building our own family traditions.
Aubrey, I had the pleasure of doing your hair and make up for your very first dance, we have had very meaningful conversations about my childhood, the grandparents you'll never know and I have also had the pleasure of being present for so much of your schooling milestones.
I have been a fill in for sick nights, I have cleaned your vomit out of carpet, I have shuffled you to Dr. appointments, dentist appointments, play dates, back to school nights, science fairs, dances, sleep overs and countless vacations and even our trips to the local store are mostly enjoyable. What's most valuable to me though is how much I have gotten to watch you grow. I have watched you both come into your own, to have your own real thoughts and personalities.. you both are becoming beautiful, respectful, smart little women.
What I want you to know and understand more then anything is that even though those beginning day's were hard for me I know they were just as hard for you.
You guys went from being a family of four to being shuffled from parent to parent. You barely had time to adjust to that and really enjoy your daddy before Riley and I came into the picture. Then came Cooper! It was a lot of change, for all of us.
The last five years have been fun, challenging and exhausting but worth every minute. I wouldn't trade any of you for the world, I would move mountains for all four of you and I can't imagine my life without any one of you. I am thankful for you, each and every one of you and I love you all so much, for so many reasons.
Aubrey, you are so talented in so many ways. You are athletic and artistic, you have a beautiful singing voice and your confidence is admirable. You're so smart and beautiful beyond words. I am enjoying this part of your life and watching you learn how to build lasting friendships with your peers.
Madison.. Oh Madison. You are also beautiful beyond words and incredibly intelligent. You are strong willed and independent. I pray that those two qualities take you down positive paths in your life. You make me laugh and listening to you talk tonight about how you would do anything you can to protect your brothers made my heart smile.
My life is better with you two in it. My heart is full and I am looking forward to being present for so many more of your milestones..
Our life might seem messy to a lot of people from the outside looking in, Hell.. some days it looks messy from the inside to.. but one thing is for sure, I love this life of ours, I love our family of 6 (8 if you count these mangy mutts).. but mostly, I love you. All of you..
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