Sucking and Adulting..

Get your mind out of the gutter, this isn't that kind of sucking.
 Sometimes when life is crazy chaotic and my plate can't seem to hold much more, when I feel like I might break.. my kids have this crazy natural instinct and they have this innate way of bringing me back down, they help me find some form of center and they REALLY, on the daily, remind me to count my blessings.
 Today was crazy guys. I woke up with a migraine, rushed out to chaperone Riley's field trip and my allergies fueled the unnecessary fire in my left nostril cavity for the REST OF MY DAY.
 I left the field trip a tad early to be home in time to grab my three littles from school, rushed off to fix an iPhone, spent a good portion of my evening on the phone with Apple for a different, overpriced and unnecessary product all while shuffling kids to and from volleyball and prepping that damned snack drawer.
Today, like most Monday's I failed to properly plan for dinner because there aren't ever enough hours in a Monday. (insert sarcastic emoji face here.) $10.01 on a Del Taco Fiesta pack is quickly finding it's way into my Monday budget.
 Like every mom with a fourth grader at Sitting Bull, I spent my evening focusing on Riley's mission project which is due on Wednesday. Have no fear, we've known about it for at least a month.
 Some how in all this madness, Aubrey and I had the chance to have such a wonderful but prolific conversation about Jason, I feel the need to share it with you.
 Aubrey and I were discussing that horrible year and all that we went through. She told me that in that time she really felt lost in the shuffle of our life and shadowed by Riley's loss. She didn't say this with malice or ill intent, she said it in a way that expressed how she ALSO felt the loss of Jason but didn't know how to talk about it. She said, "Riley wasn't the only one who loved him and missed him when he died, we ALL lost Jason."
 Whoa, right? Like, here we all were, killing it at this parent business and he went and died.. leaving this hole in each one of my family member's lives.
 I went on to tell Aubrey that as adults, we sometimes REALLY suck and that whole year after he died, I REALLY, REALLY sucked.
 I missed Jason for all the years we would no longer have, I ached for all the milestones Riley accomplished, I resented him for leaving me here to do this child raising alone. Even though I knew Sean was by my side every step of the way my heart was really mad.
 In all my own grief, that was by far the worst year I have had in a such a long time. I was so void of being a parent, being a wife, working, being a friend.. I was on auto pilot. I think back now and I don't even know how we made it through that time. I do however remember crying, a lot. I remember lots of mornings when Sean would lovingly say, "You HAVE to get out of bed babe, you have to be an adult today."
 What an amazing husband I have. Seriously, for a good year I mourned the loss of my ex husband, Riley's dad and not once did he show anger or resentment. He supported me, he pushed me through most days and he showed me grace when I was a raging cunt. He's that way in every part of our life by the way, taking my frustrations, my disappointment's and my irrational rants in stride.
 Back to Aubrey and me. So, were having this crazy good conversation and all of a sudden were both crying and I'm apologizing for super sucking that year. For all the things I can't remember, for all the times I failed to show up emotionally and for how selfish I was in that moment.
 I really am sorry for that time. I am sorry for wallowing in my own grief a little longer than I should have, for not being a better rock for my children and husband.
 Here is what I took away from our conversation the most though.. as a parent, we're sometimes arrogant. We forget the importance of slowing down and taking it all in. We forget to say, "I'm sorry" and almost always, we don't admit when we suck. We also almost always expect our children to "just understand".
 I expressed to her that at that time, when I was sucking at life, I was giving them each my best and  that I knew it wasn't great. As crappy as that sounds, what effort I had left to exhaust WAS going to them. Each of them in different amounts but I was operating at a smooth 40%.
 I told her that even now, lots of days I suck but what I have learned over the last three years is that beating myself up over and over after they have all gone to bed doesn't help any of us. I told her that I measure myself now against what I had growing up. If on this Monday I sucked and maybe didn't have the ultimate crock pot meal going while juggling everything else, at least I kept them alive, transported and loved. The most important in that sentence is Loved. No matter how bad I am sucking or killing it, I hope all four of my children always know how incredibly loved they are and that each and every day they are the blessings that I count. <3