If you know me, even a little it is no secret that Christmas is not my "thing". I loathe it, I TRULY hate it. For most of my adulthood it's been an ongoing joke. Right around November friends and colleagues start giving me shit. Singing Christmas music to me, asking me about my holiday plans.
Y'all make fun of my delay to get my tree up and how quickly it comes down. You tease that for someone who hates the holiday so much, how is it possible that my decorations are so pretty and my shopping is ALWAYS done long before necessary. So.. I'm FINALLY going to put this out here for you guys. When you're done reading and you feel like a complete ass hole- just know I still love you and you can still tease me.
Some of you have heard my life story a million times over but for fun sake, let's recap. I was born to a 16 year old, unwed, drug addict. From the start my mother was honest with me about most things, one of those things being her drug addiction. My mom had no qualms about using in front of me, sometimes asking me to "rack" her lines for her. (She was handicap which is another story for another day.) With this new knowledge you can understand that we didn't have a lot of money and sometimes we were homeless. I've lived in a shelter, I've slept in a car. Mostly my grandparents would take me in when things would get bad but this was the story of my entire childhood.
Christmas was not the same for me as it was for other kids I knew and hung out with. I can remember being told nearly every year not to get too excited. Santa wasn't real, he wouldn't be slipping through the door with presents for me because there was no money. Let's rephrase, there was money for drugs but not enough for a sticker book and a bike for yours truly.
On the rough years I would go to sleep, wishing they were wrong. Hoping that for sure, Santa was real and would appear with a tree and presents. (yeah, a lot of years there wasn't a tree either.) Now, for most kids or families in this position you would think the focus would be on family or quality time together. No, no such luck. I would wake in the morning, to find nothing there and the day was the same as any other.
On the not so rough years, my grandmother would pull out a small tree, usually real. She would shove some decorations at me and we might put it together. Some years there were presents in abundance and some that were salvaged by my DeeDee and Uncle B. No matter the year though, good or bad there was never any magic.
Christmas music makes my head hurt, my tree will always be fake, decorations look like clutter and my need to get my shopping done early comes from a place of fear. Not having anything or enough of something under the tree for my babies is a legit fear so I start shopping and collecting in September every year.
We have our own traditions, sure. I yell at the kids to stop clustering the ornaments, I say the "fuck" word at least a dozen times and I get pissed at the amount of glitter I have to vacuum every year from the stupid ornaments and hoopla.
Here is the most important part for me though. My kids, know very little about why I dislike Christmas. They know it's not my favorite holiday and they know they have to pull me into it, every year. For them, it is magical. For them, it's more than just presents under the tree. It's the excitement of Aubrey and Madison taking over the elves on the week's they're home. It's turning on the Christmas lights when they get home and looking forward to all the family get togethers we have. The inevitable Santa gift that will bring a smile to all of their faces. The gratitude they show when it's all over. For me, it's taking the tree down on Christmas day and shoving it back away where it goes. It's putting all the extra garb away and forgetting the day happened. It's whole heartedly appreciating the 364 days that will pass before I have to do allllll the bullshit again. It's knowing that people around me will mostly turn back into normal weirdo's instead of Christmas weirdo's who suddenly forgot that Christmas is the same fucking day every year and their lack of preparedness isn't my urgency.
So when you assume that I am just a Grinchy ass hole, it's mostly true. My child hood trauma though, still runs deep. I'll keep doing the good stuff for my kids but for me, Christmas is always going to be a No.
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Monday, May 7, 2018
Sucking and Adulting..
Get your mind out of the gutter, this isn't that kind of sucking.
Sometimes when life is crazy chaotic and my plate can't seem to hold much more, when I feel like I might break.. my kids have this crazy natural instinct and they have this innate way of bringing me back down, they help me find some form of center and they REALLY, on the daily, remind me to count my blessings.
Today was crazy guys. I woke up with a migraine, rushed out to chaperone Riley's field trip and my allergies fueled the unnecessary fire in my left nostril cavity for the REST OF MY DAY.
I left the field trip a tad early to be home in time to grab my three littles from school, rushed off to fix an iPhone, spent a good portion of my evening on the phone with Apple for a different, overpriced and unnecessary product all while shuffling kids to and from volleyball and prepping that damned snack drawer.
Today, like most Monday's I failed to properly plan for dinner because there aren't ever enough hours in a Monday. (insert sarcastic emoji face here.) $10.01 on a Del Taco Fiesta pack is quickly finding it's way into my Monday budget.
Like every mom with a fourth grader at Sitting Bull, I spent my evening focusing on Riley's mission project which is due on Wednesday. Have no fear, we've known about it for at least a month.
Some how in all this madness, Aubrey and I had the chance to have such a wonderful but prolific conversation about Jason, I feel the need to share it with you.
Aubrey and I were discussing that horrible year and all that we went through. She told me that in that time she really felt lost in the shuffle of our life and shadowed by Riley's loss. She didn't say this with malice or ill intent, she said it in a way that expressed how she ALSO felt the loss of Jason but didn't know how to talk about it. She said, "Riley wasn't the only one who loved him and missed him when he died, we ALL lost Jason."
Whoa, right? Like, here we all were, killing it at this parent business and he went and died.. leaving this hole in each one of my family member's lives.
I went on to tell Aubrey that as adults, we sometimes REALLY suck and that whole year after he died, I REALLY, REALLY sucked.
I missed Jason for all the years we would no longer have, I ached for all the milestones Riley accomplished, I resented him for leaving me here to do this child raising alone. Even though I knew Sean was by my side every step of the way my heart was really mad.
In all my own grief, that was by far the worst year I have had in a such a long time. I was so void of being a parent, being a wife, working, being a friend.. I was on auto pilot. I think back now and I don't even know how we made it through that time. I do however remember crying, a lot. I remember lots of mornings when Sean would lovingly say, "You HAVE to get out of bed babe, you have to be an adult today."
What an amazing husband I have. Seriously, for a good year I mourned the loss of my ex husband, Riley's dad and not once did he show anger or resentment. He supported me, he pushed me through most days and he showed me grace when I was a raging cunt. He's that way in every part of our life by the way, taking my frustrations, my disappointment's and my irrational rants in stride.
Back to Aubrey and me. So, were having this crazy good conversation and all of a sudden were both crying and I'm apologizing for super sucking that year. For all the things I can't remember, for all the times I failed to show up emotionally and for how selfish I was in that moment.
I really am sorry for that time. I am sorry for wallowing in my own grief a little longer than I should have, for not being a better rock for my children and husband.
Here is what I took away from our conversation the most though.. as a parent, we're sometimes arrogant. We forget the importance of slowing down and taking it all in. We forget to say, "I'm sorry" and almost always, we don't admit when we suck. We also almost always expect our children to "just understand".
I expressed to her that at that time, when I was sucking at life, I was giving them each my best and that I knew it wasn't great. As crappy as that sounds, what effort I had left to exhaust WAS going to them. Each of them in different amounts but I was operating at a smooth 40%.
I told her that even now, lots of days I suck but what I have learned over the last three years is that beating myself up over and over after they have all gone to bed doesn't help any of us. I told her that I measure myself now against what I had growing up. If on this Monday I sucked and maybe didn't have the ultimate crock pot meal going while juggling everything else, at least I kept them alive, transported and loved. The most important in that sentence is Loved. No matter how bad I am sucking or killing it, I hope all four of my children always know how incredibly loved they are and that each and every day they are the blessings that I count. <3
Sometimes when life is crazy chaotic and my plate can't seem to hold much more, when I feel like I might break.. my kids have this crazy natural instinct and they have this innate way of bringing me back down, they help me find some form of center and they REALLY, on the daily, remind me to count my blessings.
Today was crazy guys. I woke up with a migraine, rushed out to chaperone Riley's field trip and my allergies fueled the unnecessary fire in my left nostril cavity for the REST OF MY DAY.
I left the field trip a tad early to be home in time to grab my three littles from school, rushed off to fix an iPhone, spent a good portion of my evening on the phone with Apple for a different, overpriced and unnecessary product all while shuffling kids to and from volleyball and prepping that damned snack drawer.
Today, like most Monday's I failed to properly plan for dinner because there aren't ever enough hours in a Monday. (insert sarcastic emoji face here.) $10.01 on a Del Taco Fiesta pack is quickly finding it's way into my Monday budget.
Like every mom with a fourth grader at Sitting Bull, I spent my evening focusing on Riley's mission project which is due on Wednesday. Have no fear, we've known about it for at least a month.
Some how in all this madness, Aubrey and I had the chance to have such a wonderful but prolific conversation about Jason, I feel the need to share it with you.
Aubrey and I were discussing that horrible year and all that we went through. She told me that in that time she really felt lost in the shuffle of our life and shadowed by Riley's loss. She didn't say this with malice or ill intent, she said it in a way that expressed how she ALSO felt the loss of Jason but didn't know how to talk about it. She said, "Riley wasn't the only one who loved him and missed him when he died, we ALL lost Jason."
Whoa, right? Like, here we all were, killing it at this parent business and he went and died.. leaving this hole in each one of my family member's lives.
I went on to tell Aubrey that as adults, we sometimes REALLY suck and that whole year after he died, I REALLY, REALLY sucked.
I missed Jason for all the years we would no longer have, I ached for all the milestones Riley accomplished, I resented him for leaving me here to do this child raising alone. Even though I knew Sean was by my side every step of the way my heart was really mad.
In all my own grief, that was by far the worst year I have had in a such a long time. I was so void of being a parent, being a wife, working, being a friend.. I was on auto pilot. I think back now and I don't even know how we made it through that time. I do however remember crying, a lot. I remember lots of mornings when Sean would lovingly say, "You HAVE to get out of bed babe, you have to be an adult today."
What an amazing husband I have. Seriously, for a good year I mourned the loss of my ex husband, Riley's dad and not once did he show anger or resentment. He supported me, he pushed me through most days and he showed me grace when I was a raging cunt. He's that way in every part of our life by the way, taking my frustrations, my disappointment's and my irrational rants in stride.
Back to Aubrey and me. So, were having this crazy good conversation and all of a sudden were both crying and I'm apologizing for super sucking that year. For all the things I can't remember, for all the times I failed to show up emotionally and for how selfish I was in that moment.
I really am sorry for that time. I am sorry for wallowing in my own grief a little longer than I should have, for not being a better rock for my children and husband.
Here is what I took away from our conversation the most though.. as a parent, we're sometimes arrogant. We forget the importance of slowing down and taking it all in. We forget to say, "I'm sorry" and almost always, we don't admit when we suck. We also almost always expect our children to "just understand".
I expressed to her that at that time, when I was sucking at life, I was giving them each my best and that I knew it wasn't great. As crappy as that sounds, what effort I had left to exhaust WAS going to them. Each of them in different amounts but I was operating at a smooth 40%.
I told her that even now, lots of days I suck but what I have learned over the last three years is that beating myself up over and over after they have all gone to bed doesn't help any of us. I told her that I measure myself now against what I had growing up. If on this Monday I sucked and maybe didn't have the ultimate crock pot meal going while juggling everything else, at least I kept them alive, transported and loved. The most important in that sentence is Loved. No matter how bad I am sucking or killing it, I hope all four of my children always know how incredibly loved they are and that each and every day they are the blessings that I count. <3
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