Tuesday, September 27, 2016

I Just Really Miss My Mom..

 So this week, I have been reminded of how kinda-sucky it is to not have a Mom. Like, a real, she's all mine-kind of mom. Most of you know that my Mom wasn't a great mom.. sometimes she wasn't even a good mom but she was MY mom.
 My mom and I had a roller coaster of a relationship. We had a lot of lows, with some sprinkled in highs. We fought hard but we loved hard.
 This week I can't help but be envious of my friends who have great moms and even better relationships with their mom's. I have friends who are off on wonderful vacations with their moms, friends who post about their mom's being their hero's and their biggest advocates. I also have a friend who recently lost her own mom - to see the loving things she had to say about her mom and the love she had for her grandchildren made me ache for her.
 My mom didn't get the chance to meet her grandchildren but I know she would have loved them, so hard. She would be present and she would be so accepting of each and every one of them. I know this to be true because she had a lot of guilt and regret that she couldn't wait to try and make up for.
 It's different for me, you can say things like, "Well, you have DeeDee.." and thats true. I actually have lots of strong woman in my life who play a dominant role but it isn't the same. I think that somewhere in me, I know that even if my mom were still here, we wouldn't be off on vacations together and she wouldn't be my hero. In a way, I guess I just keep mourning the loss of my mom but also the mom I wanted but didn't have. Pretty selfish, huh?
 Kinda like, I didn't like the one I had, so I am going to miss who she wasn't all at the same time.
 Though she had MANY faults and sometimes I find that coping with the loss of her is best when I remember to list all of them, so as not to miss her as much as I should will make the pain less. FYI, this doesn't help at all. She also had a few redeeming qualities. Some, that as I get older I see in myself.
 My mom was funny, she was witty, she was quick lipped and never missed the opportunity to make someone else laugh at her own expense or sometimes even better, their own. She was giving and despite all my own faults she loved me. She always took the time to tell me just how much she loved me and how proud of me she really was.
As I type this, with tiny tears rolling down my cheeks I can still here her, clear as day telling me, "Babygirl, I am SO proud of you! You are my hero and my greatest accomplishment!"
 At the ripe old age of 22, I didn't exactly understand how much those words would mean until the chance to hear them again were gone.
 I spent the first few years after she passed being angry. I was SO angry. Angry that she left when I needed her most.. though I was married and technically an "adult", I was a baby having a baby! I needed my Mommy! Then when I got divorced, I felt so alone. More alone then when she died. So many nights I wished I could have called her, because she would have had the right words even if she couldn't solve my problems.
 So many milestones that she should have been here for and she just wasn't, left me so mad.
 Today, I am mostly balanced and stable but after a week like this one, I can't help but pine for a mom, MY mom.. Someone who wants me around just as much as I want her to be here. Someone to love every part of me, faults and all. A mom who knows that because of her, I am me.
 If you're lucky to still have your mom and you have made it to the end of this terribly long pitty-party-post, even if she isn't the best mom, a great mom or sometimes she falls short of being a good mom.. take the time to appreciate what she is to you. It may be hard to see now but she's doing the best she can with what she has, even if it doesn't meet your standard.
 Appreciate the small things, the things that seem meaningless. The compliments, the hugs, maybe even the criticism. She loves you.
 Take it from the girl who didn't have much and didn't appreciate it while I had it - I'd give most anything to have it back. Because even though she wasn't outstanding, stellar, great or good she was mine. She loved me more then I could ever understand. <3

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