Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Beside Myself..

This has been an amazing week so far.. ending last week with a bang. We conquered Halloween like the beasts we are and moved right into Sean's birthday party the very next day. I felt like for as unorganized as I was and how unprepared I was for the amount of people who came, the whole party was a success from start to finish. I was so glad because my husband really deserves it all.
 Monday I recovered by cleaning floors and bathrooms, giving Bugsy a haircut and wash while keeping the boys entertained.
 Today though.. today has been rough from the start. I am tired and I woke up from a dream I haven't been able to recover from.
 My mom was in my dream and she was well.. she was happy. We were talking and laughing when an old high school friend appeared in my dream. (Chris Montalvo, if you're out there.. I wonder how you are from time to time.. Super weird that you appeared in my dream though.) Anyway, my mom and I were walking and talking about Cooper when Chris appeared and started yelling at me, "She isn't real! This isn't real! Why are you talking to her?! She isn't real anymore!" and like that, she was gone.  I burst into tears in my dream and thats what woke me up. 6:20 in the morning, I came out and started the fire place so I could collect my thoughts for a minute.
 Riley came out around 6:40 and sat with me for a bit, just some morning cuddles. All day though, that dream has been so real. The even more weird part is that I haven't dreamt of my mom talking since about 3 months after she died. Even crazier, I rarely remember my dreams.
 I don't know why Chris was the one to tell me it was all a facade though. In high school we had that common bond, we had both lost a parent but we weren't ever super close and I haven't talked to the guy in well over 10 years.
 The more I have thought about today, it has lead me to think even harder about tomorrow. Tomorrow Jason would be turning 31. In our world of "normal", Riley would be with Jason for this monumental occasion.
 Riley and I have talked a little bit about it and he asked if we would take him down and throw a party for his Daddy Jason at the graveside. Gah, heartbreaking.
 We plan to go down tomorrow sometime after school to plant something and say our Happy Birthdays. We plan to have dinner with Poppy and Memaw if schedules permit.. We hope for an easy, light hearted day (ok, I am hoping for that) but I know it will be anything but.
 We have experienced so many milestones in these short 6 months and each one makes me sadder then the last. I have tried to see so much positive that it even makes me sick. Somedays, I have to tell myself (like today) it's ok to just let it sit.
 I miss my friend, Riley misses his Daddy, Jason parent's miss their son, his siblings miss their brother, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends.. we all miss him and sometimes it's a lot. Today, it's a lot and tomorrow it will be even more /;
  Like every other occasion, we will get through it with grace (not much ease.. but we do things with grace.. Or like Miley Cyrus, resembling a wrecking ball... ) We will cry silent tears in the shower and make things as easy for Riley as possible. I always dislike see'ing his spirit change when we get to the graveside but I know it's something he has to deal with too.
 In the last 6 months it feel's like so many influential people have left this world, Sean and I were talking about it yesterday.. we're sick of funerals, we're tired of being sad and we're super over "final" goodbyes. This getting "older" stuff is for the birds.
 If you think about it, send some positive vibes to my baby and his family on his Daddy's side, tomorrow.. I would super appreciate it <3

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