Today, on the ninth anniversary of our wedding, I spent the better part of the day feeling sorry for myself. I blame this mostly on the fact that I’m about to start my period but really, it’s because I’m a little scared.
Since 2017, Sean and I have been in a legal battle. Some of you know, some of you don’t .. but it’s the first time I’ve ever put it somewhere like here. I can’t say why or with whom because well.. it’s all still going on.
What I can say though is that it has cost us more than we had/have, in money and sanity. It has put a strain on our family I never thought possible. Here we are though, strong, resilient.
I lost my job last week, temporary or not.. this is so scary for me. Since the day I secured my Cosmetology license, I’ve worked everyday since. As I wallow in this feeling, I can’t help but kick myself for being so selfish. I am not the only one, millions are facing the same situation I am.
I am not the only mom stuck in the house with their kids, I am not the only person feeling completely useless. I am not the only one who’s allowing COVID-19 to slowly steal my normalcy.
It’s hard right? In this time I’m supposed to be thankful for my current blessings. My home, my utilities, the food in my fridge and cupboard? The fact that not once have I stood in line for toilet paper.. but the reality for me is that I have these things because I’ve had a job. I’ve had the ability to work hard for these things..
I called my Mortgage company.. their solution is a three month forbearance. However, at the end of said three months, my mortgage is still due, in full.. for the three months. Let’s make sense of this, can we? I’ve lost my job and social distancing means that I am not supposed to work, at all. So, we all know that two weeks isn’t going to end this.. we will be in this for a lot longer, especially as cases in SB County continue to rise. People like me don’t qualify for unemployment. So, depending on how long this takes, I could become one or more payments behind.. easily. But I’m supposed to come up with those payments and a 3rd in that time?
Toyota has no solid answer for me, despite the calls every other day. So I made my truck payment and hope and pray there is a solution soon.
My real question is this.. if we’re “supposed” to have three or more months in a reserve for something like this, “emergency situations” but we all live check to check, how in the hell are corporations who profit MILLIONS, crumbling in a matter of weeks?
I haven’t really put any of this out there because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t want pity or to borrow money. I just want to take a moment to be scared. To be uncertain. I just need to take a moment to validate my own feelings.
The boys fight endlessly the minute they’re within a 2ft space of each other. . I have teenagers who think that having to clean a bathroom after doing fuck all, all day, is the end of the world. I have a husband who is exhausted between work and trying to fix things here at home.. and all the while, I can’t fix anything.
I just kinda wish that the load I’m carrying was a tad lighter. I know that when we come out of this, things will go back to normal.. or a new normal but for now, I just need to say it. This is shitty.
And please for the love of all that is holy, don’t offer me money. Though I know this has been done with love, if I can’t pay my bills, taking out a loan from family is the last stress I need or to think about paying back, ok? Though I appreciate the offers and that you think I’m “good for it”.. right now I can’t promise that I am.😘
I’m done whining. I’m probably done crying..
Happy Nine amazing Years to my husband and me. We’ve been through some shit, a lot of shit! This was probably my least favorite anniversary celebration to date but we had each other, we had the kids and maybe one day when I look back on this one I won’t remember how much I disliked today.. but that like other situations in our life, we survived it. ❤️ Stay safe my friends. Stay healthy. I’m done wallowing. Maybe. Probably.. ok, definitely. 😂
