This week has been a tough one. This week has been exhausting and I am so glad this week is almost over.
This week, I have learned that being emotionally invested in someone is more work then I anticipated. This week, I learned some serious lessons.
I learned that I can be a friend without an opinion. Though hard, I can stand by someone's side through the thick and thin. I can put judgment aside even when the world can't, I can still see the good in someone's heart. I have come to understand through my own poor choices that not one of us is perfect. This has been super fucking hard.
The first part of my week I spent seriously questioning my judgment. My choice in people.. My, "WTF radar" was crazy on edge.
I had to step back and assess my situation from an outside view. I had to remind myself that sometimes friendship's are hard and I had to tell myself over and over that I wouldn't want my people to turn their back on me in any time of need.
What I have come to learn is that when someone makes a mistake and everyone wants to remind them, criticize them or snub them, sometimes, the one left standing beside them doesn't have to agree with them but can hold their hand without pointing a finger and shaming them.
For a hot second, I worried what people might think of me, their opinion of how my support may jeopardize my moral compass.
The lesson I learned is that though I do care what people think of me, I can't let that stand in the way of being present for my people. I have to trust that anyone who knows me, knows my heart and knows my worth as much as I know theirs.
The first part of this week I almost went into "self preservation mode". You know the one, where you sever the limb instead of taking the time to fix it. I am really good at this mode. I can walk away and not look back, without skipping a beat! I'm super cold like that..
However, my husband kept me on my path, he reminded me that there are points and purposes and that not everything is about ME.
So, to the people I know and love.. all of you. You know me, you know I am going to call you on your bullshit. Thats why you chose me as a friend. Thats why as family, you still choose to talk to me. I am learning that I am not always going to like your choices, I will not always understand why you do the things you do.. but I love you, I will stand by you and I will do my best to put my judgments aside. I will always try to be the friend that I hope you will be for me when I make mistakes. I will be your friend and shoulder your burdens with you because thats what friends do.
This week, I learned that even though being emotionally invested in someone is super, duper fucking hard, being a friend is not.
I don't blog this for a gold star or recognition.. I blog to remind others that sometimes putting your opinion's in your pockets and standing next to a person regardless of your own belief may be the difference that someone needs. You might not change the world but you may be a positive factor in an otherwise shitty situation.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Monday, March 7, 2016
No More Counting Days..
Here we are, past our largest milestone, with no need to count down to anything anymore. Here we are, living our days the same as before.
I want to say "Thank You" to all of our friends and family who came to our home to help us celebrate a monumental day for our family of six. Thank you to everyone who pitched in to make it great, who brought gifts when it wasn't necessary and those who showed up and showed support. We love you all.
As most of you know, I have been attending a grief recovery group for the last five weeks. In this group we've touched on how the things we say, can impact a person.. even if we don't mean for it to and how some words of comfort, don't bring comfort at all.
I bring this up because so many times before, during and after the adoption it was said to my husband what a "Real Man" he was for doing this for Riley (and sometimes, Me.)
My husband (whom I lovingly refer to as my ginger) is SO many things but "MORE" or "REAL" of a "MAN" he is not, for the sole action of adopting a child that was always "ours."
Sean is an amazing provider. He provides us with love, encouragement, strength, praise and his presence. He is also funny, smart, charismatic, loving but also, lovable. My husband is handsome.
My husband has ALWAYS been a REAL MAN. (Crazy, right?)
Let me back up for a minute though.. You see, the man I fell in love with was already great man. He was an amazing father to his two girls, he was a hard worker and a great friend. What was MORE was that he could be both of those things to Riley and me.
From the start, Sean treated Riley as though he had always been a part of his life. He stepped in and changed dirty diapers, he spent countless hours awake at night so I could sleep, he cared for my child while I worked. In most cases.. he's a far more patient parent then I could ever be. He was a real man for me, from the very start. Sean has always been Riley's second Dad, so much so, that Riley doesn't remember a time when his "Seany" wasn't here.
Now let me fast forward. For all of Jason's short comings he was a great father. Jason did not leave this world leaving Riley feeling like he was a burden or unwanted, that is for sure. So there was no metaphorical plate for Sean to step up to. Jason's absence was a series of events, yes.. but I do not think he purposely left his son. Riley will ALWAYS know how much BOTH of his daddy's have loved and do love him.
So, for those that have said what a "real man Sean is to take on someone else's child".. though I am sure this is mostly generational and not meant to sound as absurd as it does.. It does not bid well as a compliment. In fact, it's almost demeaning to him and us. What was he before this life event? Has he been a "fake" man for the last five and a half years? What about the years before he "took on" my child? Do the seven he spent before us not count at all?
I love my ginger, I love this family and I love the effort we have both given to each others children. I love that I can count on my ginger-bearded husband for any walk through our life. I can count on him to be a great dad, I can count on him to be an amazing husband and I know his heart has always been as loving as it is today.
I love that we have blended our lives seamlessly and though it isn't always easy, he makes my life easier.
I'm sure that this statement said to my husband over and over is mostly a response to not knowing the right words to say at all.
So to my husband, I want to say.. I love you, I am thankful for you and I have always thought of you as a real man. I am lucky to know you, to be your wife and your side kick. I am a better person because you are mine and I am yours. Thank you for ALWAYS loving Riley and me, for allowing me to love whole heartedly our girls and for giving me Cooper, I am positive he is the universe's way of trying to teach me patience. Thank you for unifying our family because Riley asked you to. Thank you, for wanting to be his Daddy - no matter the title in front of it. Step Dad, Bonus dad, Seany dad or now, Daddy -here on Earth.. I love every part of who you are and why you are the person you are.
(I made it a whole blog post without an obscene word, all for you, babe.)
I want to say "Thank You" to all of our friends and family who came to our home to help us celebrate a monumental day for our family of six. Thank you to everyone who pitched in to make it great, who brought gifts when it wasn't necessary and those who showed up and showed support. We love you all.
As most of you know, I have been attending a grief recovery group for the last five weeks. In this group we've touched on how the things we say, can impact a person.. even if we don't mean for it to and how some words of comfort, don't bring comfort at all.
I bring this up because so many times before, during and after the adoption it was said to my husband what a "Real Man" he was for doing this for Riley (and sometimes, Me.)
My husband (whom I lovingly refer to as my ginger) is SO many things but "MORE" or "REAL" of a "MAN" he is not, for the sole action of adopting a child that was always "ours."
Sean is an amazing provider. He provides us with love, encouragement, strength, praise and his presence. He is also funny, smart, charismatic, loving but also, lovable. My husband is handsome.
My husband has ALWAYS been a REAL MAN. (Crazy, right?)
Let me back up for a minute though.. You see, the man I fell in love with was already great man. He was an amazing father to his two girls, he was a hard worker and a great friend. What was MORE was that he could be both of those things to Riley and me.
From the start, Sean treated Riley as though he had always been a part of his life. He stepped in and changed dirty diapers, he spent countless hours awake at night so I could sleep, he cared for my child while I worked. In most cases.. he's a far more patient parent then I could ever be. He was a real man for me, from the very start. Sean has always been Riley's second Dad, so much so, that Riley doesn't remember a time when his "Seany" wasn't here.
Now let me fast forward. For all of Jason's short comings he was a great father. Jason did not leave this world leaving Riley feeling like he was a burden or unwanted, that is for sure. So there was no metaphorical plate for Sean to step up to. Jason's absence was a series of events, yes.. but I do not think he purposely left his son. Riley will ALWAYS know how much BOTH of his daddy's have loved and do love him.
So, for those that have said what a "real man Sean is to take on someone else's child".. though I am sure this is mostly generational and not meant to sound as absurd as it does.. It does not bid well as a compliment. In fact, it's almost demeaning to him and us. What was he before this life event? Has he been a "fake" man for the last five and a half years? What about the years before he "took on" my child? Do the seven he spent before us not count at all?
I love my ginger, I love this family and I love the effort we have both given to each others children. I love that I can count on my ginger-bearded husband for any walk through our life. I can count on him to be a great dad, I can count on him to be an amazing husband and I know his heart has always been as loving as it is today.
I love that we have blended our lives seamlessly and though it isn't always easy, he makes my life easier.
I'm sure that this statement said to my husband over and over is mostly a response to not knowing the right words to say at all.
So to my husband, I want to say.. I love you, I am thankful for you and I have always thought of you as a real man. I am lucky to know you, to be your wife and your side kick. I am a better person because you are mine and I am yours. Thank you for ALWAYS loving Riley and me, for allowing me to love whole heartedly our girls and for giving me Cooper, I am positive he is the universe's way of trying to teach me patience. Thank you for unifying our family because Riley asked you to. Thank you, for wanting to be his Daddy - no matter the title in front of it. Step Dad, Bonus dad, Seany dad or now, Daddy -here on Earth.. I love every part of who you are and why you are the person you are.
(I made it a whole blog post without an obscene word, all for you, babe.)
Sunday, February 28, 2016
#FiveDays..
It feels like the last year of my life has been measured by days, months, markers and milestones.
In the last ten months I have doubted myself as a person and as a Mom. I have been my worst enemy, my biggest critic and at times I have felt like I might just lose my mind.
I sit here today, content. With lots of tears, hard work, self reflection, words of advice from just about everyone and therapy for 1/2 of the members in our house.. we are on the road to mending our very, broken hearts.
It has been awhile since I have blogged.. I have been busy with lots of stuff and things. This last week though, I was asked some very personal questions about our dealings and adoption. Nothing that made me uncomfortable and certainly no criticism.. but because I was asked these questions.. I thought I might share them with the rest of you, who might be wondering the same thing. Here they are:
1.) Why?
Well this one is easy. The biggest "Why" is because Riley ASKED for this. Without prompting, without prodding.. Our child sought the knowledge he needed and wanted about sharing a "daddy" with his siblings and with counsel, we thought it to be the best decision for our house.
My Why is the comfort and stability that my husband brings to this equation. Riley was very blessed to have two loving, nurturing fathers for 6 years and sadly, that number has dwindled to just one.. However, he is a great man for the "job". I find comfort in knowing that if something were to ever happen to me, Riley would have a parent here who knows my wishes and wants and he would have stability in an unsettling time.
2.) Are you going to change his name?
Yes. For so many reason's but again because Riley asked. He actually asked to change his whole name to Jacob Randall Ehart and I said No. Mainly because he isn't a Jacob, he is a Riley. Which, yes, I can hear you all saying, "but he isn't an Ehart either, He's an Ashworth." So i'll break this down too.
For simplicity reason's, changing Riley's name makes sense. One day, when the funds are right we would like to travel with our kids. We would like to obtain passports, ect. and take them somewhere, anywhere.. before they are grown. If Riley is an Ehart, there is less documentation for me to acquire, keep track of and explain in every way.
For unity. Remember, up there ^, where I have said a couple times that Riley ASKED for this? Riley asked for this because he wants to fit in, to belong, to identify. In his 7 year old heart he wants to be apart of this crazy family and I am learning by watching him.. that he doesn't want to tell his story the sad way anymore. This isn't to say he is forgetting his Daddy Jason, infact, its the opposite. We talk about Daddy Jason all the time and how Daddy Jason is still his Daddy in Heaven.
Nothing is permanent besides Death (and my shitty blues clues tattoo.) but when Riley is 18, he will have the option to change his name back to Ashworth if he so chooses, Sean and I will both support him in that choice.
3.) Why aren't you hyphenating?
For the love of all that is Holy, this child has been through enough! Riley Fox Ashworth-Ehart sounds like it should have "and associates" at the end. My seven year old is not a law firm, a widow or an identity crisis.. He is a seven year old boy who is OK with being the same as the rest of us. Besides, remember I like things simple? Every-Single-Legal-Document would have to be written out as Riley Fox Ashworth-Ehart.. If you have ever purchased a home, I rest my case here.
4.) Is he excited?
Our entire family is excited. Though it may not be visible from the outside, because, well, were pretty good at pretending that we have our shit together.. this has been a tough year for all of us. The girls have had to face a lot and be strong in so many ways, Riley had to deal with a loss that no child should have too and as parents we have done our best to side line and prepare for all the storms while doing our best to protect everyone involved. WE ARE ALL OVER THE MOON about this life event and we can't wait to party with all of you.
Thats pretty much the just of it. I hope breaking it down for you, helps you guys to understand where we are as a family. Riley is far more resilient then I could have ever imagined him to be.. but he's still a seven year old boy, wanting what everyone else has. He wants what any kid in his situation would want. He doesn't have to choose which parent he loves more, he isn't being pitted against anyone in an ugly battle. He is a boy who has had to face adversity young and who is finding positive in what would other wise be, a shitty, negative, horrible situation.
Riley loves his Daddy Jason and he's also, always loved his Daddy Sean. He doesn't remember a life without either of them. He's a great kid, all of my kids are.
So in closing, were happy, were mending and soon, we will be the #EhartPartyOfSix.
In the last ten months I have doubted myself as a person and as a Mom. I have been my worst enemy, my biggest critic and at times I have felt like I might just lose my mind.
I sit here today, content. With lots of tears, hard work, self reflection, words of advice from just about everyone and therapy for 1/2 of the members in our house.. we are on the road to mending our very, broken hearts.
It has been awhile since I have blogged.. I have been busy with lots of stuff and things. This last week though, I was asked some very personal questions about our dealings and adoption. Nothing that made me uncomfortable and certainly no criticism.. but because I was asked these questions.. I thought I might share them with the rest of you, who might be wondering the same thing. Here they are:
1.) Why?
Well this one is easy. The biggest "Why" is because Riley ASKED for this. Without prompting, without prodding.. Our child sought the knowledge he needed and wanted about sharing a "daddy" with his siblings and with counsel, we thought it to be the best decision for our house.
My Why is the comfort and stability that my husband brings to this equation. Riley was very blessed to have two loving, nurturing fathers for 6 years and sadly, that number has dwindled to just one.. However, he is a great man for the "job". I find comfort in knowing that if something were to ever happen to me, Riley would have a parent here who knows my wishes and wants and he would have stability in an unsettling time.
2.) Are you going to change his name?
Yes. For so many reason's but again because Riley asked. He actually asked to change his whole name to Jacob Randall Ehart and I said No. Mainly because he isn't a Jacob, he is a Riley. Which, yes, I can hear you all saying, "but he isn't an Ehart either, He's an Ashworth." So i'll break this down too.
For simplicity reason's, changing Riley's name makes sense. One day, when the funds are right we would like to travel with our kids. We would like to obtain passports, ect. and take them somewhere, anywhere.. before they are grown. If Riley is an Ehart, there is less documentation for me to acquire, keep track of and explain in every way.
For unity. Remember, up there ^, where I have said a couple times that Riley ASKED for this? Riley asked for this because he wants to fit in, to belong, to identify. In his 7 year old heart he wants to be apart of this crazy family and I am learning by watching him.. that he doesn't want to tell his story the sad way anymore. This isn't to say he is forgetting his Daddy Jason, infact, its the opposite. We talk about Daddy Jason all the time and how Daddy Jason is still his Daddy in Heaven.
Nothing is permanent besides Death (and my shitty blues clues tattoo.) but when Riley is 18, he will have the option to change his name back to Ashworth if he so chooses, Sean and I will both support him in that choice.
3.) Why aren't you hyphenating?
For the love of all that is Holy, this child has been through enough! Riley Fox Ashworth-Ehart sounds like it should have "and associates" at the end. My seven year old is not a law firm, a widow or an identity crisis.. He is a seven year old boy who is OK with being the same as the rest of us. Besides, remember I like things simple? Every-Single-Legal-Document would have to be written out as Riley Fox Ashworth-Ehart.. If you have ever purchased a home, I rest my case here.
4.) Is he excited?
Our entire family is excited. Though it may not be visible from the outside, because, well, were pretty good at pretending that we have our shit together.. this has been a tough year for all of us. The girls have had to face a lot and be strong in so many ways, Riley had to deal with a loss that no child should have too and as parents we have done our best to side line and prepare for all the storms while doing our best to protect everyone involved. WE ARE ALL OVER THE MOON about this life event and we can't wait to party with all of you.
Thats pretty much the just of it. I hope breaking it down for you, helps you guys to understand where we are as a family. Riley is far more resilient then I could have ever imagined him to be.. but he's still a seven year old boy, wanting what everyone else has. He wants what any kid in his situation would want. He doesn't have to choose which parent he loves more, he isn't being pitted against anyone in an ugly battle. He is a boy who has had to face adversity young and who is finding positive in what would other wise be, a shitty, negative, horrible situation.
Riley loves his Daddy Jason and he's also, always loved his Daddy Sean. He doesn't remember a life without either of them. He's a great kid, all of my kids are.
So in closing, were happy, were mending and soon, we will be the #EhartPartyOfSix.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Even Mommy's Break..
Two hours ago we should have been landing in Seattle for an adult weekend away. We should be well into our trip up to Canada as I type this but we aren't. I am sitting at the table typing away as Riley and Cooper play video games with a friend who is sleeping over.. because we stayed home.
The decision to cancel our trip was mutual and I am trying to be ok with it, since it was mostly my anxiety and fear that lead us in this direction.
Cooper is having surgery in 19 days and I have to keep him germ free and healthy until then. So, the thought of even taking three days away and leaving him in someone else's hands made me cringe and lose sleep. Blame it on my control issues and I know we have time to take trips later.. (this doesn't make me any less sad that we aren't going today.)
It has been 9 months since Jay passed. Somedays we do ok and others not so much. I realized not to long ago though that I have spent so much time hovering over Riley that I haven't stepped back to look at my own emotional situation.. and man, what a shit show that is.
Here is what I realized. I need help because this Mommy is broken too.
I noticed that I am struggling when it comes to parenting Riley. I don't want to yell, I don't want to take things away, I don't want to punish him because he's been through a lot! Logically, I know this isn't ok. Logically, I know that my seven year old can see right through this disadvantage and often runs with it. Logically, I know that every kid needs structure and discipline no matter whats going on. However, my heart isn't on that page yet and I don't know how to get it there.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes he pushes far enough and I get on him.. but then I spend hours in my room, in tears because I don't want to yell, scream and discipline. Are you see'ing my cycle yet?
I am see'ing a therapist now, the same therapist as Riley. I am being open about this because maybe someone else will see this and understand that it's ok to talk to someone. It's ok to be broken and it's ok to want help. I feel like the stigma that surrounds therapy or anti depressants is ludicrous, so here I am.. sharing me, with you. ( for the record, I am not on antidepressants because I would like that to be a last resort.. however, I am not against them.)
In therapy I have learned that I am angry with Jay (which I have known..) but how deep my anger really goes is scary and something I need to come to terms with so that I can be able to let it go.
I am not angry with him because of our divorce or the hate we spent spewing at each other for years.. but more because of how he left us, in this situation and how broken all the pieces are. Including my own..
You see, Riley isn't a burden to me. He never has been and there have been several times I had to step up and be his everything. I have always done so because being his mommy and being a decent one has always been my priority. This time though, I feel like Jay broke us both and those pieces can't be put back together which makes me angry. I am angry at every milestone he isn't here for, I am angry that he is missing holidays and birthdays but mostly I'm angry that I can't tell him I am angry with him.
I am working through these things but I am also learning what triggers them. Never in a million years would I have guessed that looking at Riley and see'ing a facial expression or a certain tone could rile my insides. Never would I have guessed that see'ing so much of Jason in Riley would make my heart ache and miss him and I would have never guessed it would make me mad. Yep, it makes me mad!
Mad that for the rest of his life he will hear things like, "You look just like your Daddy.." or "Your Daddy would have been so proud of you for..". I learned that this makes me mad because these are things I grew up hearing and unless you have ever been compared to your dead parent, you don't really understand the proper response to these statements(their isn't a proper response, ever.) ... The responses to these statements are usually awkward silence, a half assed "thanks" or a "really?" but what you feel inside is hurt. Inside, you feel a void that can't be filled. Inside you ache because you realize in that moment how much you're missing because of the absence of that person. (Remember a few months back, I blogged about how Riley's loss was probably going to mix up my own mommy and daddy issues?! .. Well here they are, folks! Grab some popcorn, it's going to get good.)
I know that anger is part of the grieving process and I feel like I am spending a lot of time in this part of the process, so therapy will be good for me. I know that working through this with someone else is also beneficial for my own mental health.
My therapist gave me a homework assignment this week. I have to write a letter to Jason. I have to put the things in my heart on real paper and tell him why I am mad at him. I have to tell him how his absence is affecting my ability to parent, how his absence pisses me off and how this life isn't being very fair. I have to write this letter as though I have the ability to hand it to him. For whatever reason, it's harder then I thought it would be.
It's cathartic to put my feelings here. It's comforting to know that when I want to, I can scroll through our progress of the last nine months and smile, cry or embrace some of the shit we overcame. (the week from Hell, when the water heater broke and I stepped in warm, runny dog shit.. all in one day?!) I can imagine that once I start my letter, it will also be cathartic.. but getting started is a struggle. It has to be done by Monday. (insert procrastination face here.)
Aside from the anger, I am getting through the rest of my days just fine.
I am so thankful for Sean. Thankful to have such a loving, understanding husband who can distinguish between my love for Jason and being in love with Jason (which I wasn't anymore and hadn't been for a long time.) I am thankful that my husband knows without me having to reassure him that me being sad over Jason's absence is because of the presence he had in our life and that Sean misses him to. I am thankful he supports my need for therapy and offer's encouraging words.
Just like the other storms I have endured, I will make it through this one too and so will Riley. He has some strong parents left here to get him through this crazy stuff.. and I am glad that I know myself well enough to know that I can't fix me on my own, which means I can't keep strong for him until I fix my own stuff.
Being a parent is hard. Always. If you don't have kids yet and you think it's a walk in the park.. You're a dumb dumb. Though being a parent is hard, being a broken parent to a broken kid is harder then you could ever imagine. Being a broken parent to a broken kid and holding it together is like walking into a gun fight with a butter knife without the ability to hide behind someone or something.
We will figure it out.. probably not in any kind of timely manner.. but we will none the less. (:
The decision to cancel our trip was mutual and I am trying to be ok with it, since it was mostly my anxiety and fear that lead us in this direction.
Cooper is having surgery in 19 days and I have to keep him germ free and healthy until then. So, the thought of even taking three days away and leaving him in someone else's hands made me cringe and lose sleep. Blame it on my control issues and I know we have time to take trips later.. (this doesn't make me any less sad that we aren't going today.)
It has been 9 months since Jay passed. Somedays we do ok and others not so much. I realized not to long ago though that I have spent so much time hovering over Riley that I haven't stepped back to look at my own emotional situation.. and man, what a shit show that is.
Here is what I realized. I need help because this Mommy is broken too.
I noticed that I am struggling when it comes to parenting Riley. I don't want to yell, I don't want to take things away, I don't want to punish him because he's been through a lot! Logically, I know this isn't ok. Logically, I know that my seven year old can see right through this disadvantage and often runs with it. Logically, I know that every kid needs structure and discipline no matter whats going on. However, my heart isn't on that page yet and I don't know how to get it there.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes he pushes far enough and I get on him.. but then I spend hours in my room, in tears because I don't want to yell, scream and discipline. Are you see'ing my cycle yet?
I am see'ing a therapist now, the same therapist as Riley. I am being open about this because maybe someone else will see this and understand that it's ok to talk to someone. It's ok to be broken and it's ok to want help. I feel like the stigma that surrounds therapy or anti depressants is ludicrous, so here I am.. sharing me, with you. ( for the record, I am not on antidepressants because I would like that to be a last resort.. however, I am not against them.)
In therapy I have learned that I am angry with Jay (which I have known..) but how deep my anger really goes is scary and something I need to come to terms with so that I can be able to let it go.
I am not angry with him because of our divorce or the hate we spent spewing at each other for years.. but more because of how he left us, in this situation and how broken all the pieces are. Including my own..
You see, Riley isn't a burden to me. He never has been and there have been several times I had to step up and be his everything. I have always done so because being his mommy and being a decent one has always been my priority. This time though, I feel like Jay broke us both and those pieces can't be put back together which makes me angry. I am angry at every milestone he isn't here for, I am angry that he is missing holidays and birthdays but mostly I'm angry that I can't tell him I am angry with him.
I am working through these things but I am also learning what triggers them. Never in a million years would I have guessed that looking at Riley and see'ing a facial expression or a certain tone could rile my insides. Never would I have guessed that see'ing so much of Jason in Riley would make my heart ache and miss him and I would have never guessed it would make me mad. Yep, it makes me mad!
Mad that for the rest of his life he will hear things like, "You look just like your Daddy.." or "Your Daddy would have been so proud of you for..". I learned that this makes me mad because these are things I grew up hearing and unless you have ever been compared to your dead parent, you don't really understand the proper response to these statements(their isn't a proper response, ever.) ... The responses to these statements are usually awkward silence, a half assed "thanks" or a "really?" but what you feel inside is hurt. Inside, you feel a void that can't be filled. Inside you ache because you realize in that moment how much you're missing because of the absence of that person. (Remember a few months back, I blogged about how Riley's loss was probably going to mix up my own mommy and daddy issues?! .. Well here they are, folks! Grab some popcorn, it's going to get good.)
I know that anger is part of the grieving process and I feel like I am spending a lot of time in this part of the process, so therapy will be good for me. I know that working through this with someone else is also beneficial for my own mental health.
My therapist gave me a homework assignment this week. I have to write a letter to Jason. I have to put the things in my heart on real paper and tell him why I am mad at him. I have to tell him how his absence is affecting my ability to parent, how his absence pisses me off and how this life isn't being very fair. I have to write this letter as though I have the ability to hand it to him. For whatever reason, it's harder then I thought it would be.
It's cathartic to put my feelings here. It's comforting to know that when I want to, I can scroll through our progress of the last nine months and smile, cry or embrace some of the shit we overcame. (the week from Hell, when the water heater broke and I stepped in warm, runny dog shit.. all in one day?!) I can imagine that once I start my letter, it will also be cathartic.. but getting started is a struggle. It has to be done by Monday. (insert procrastination face here.)
Aside from the anger, I am getting through the rest of my days just fine.
I am so thankful for Sean. Thankful to have such a loving, understanding husband who can distinguish between my love for Jason and being in love with Jason (which I wasn't anymore and hadn't been for a long time.) I am thankful that my husband knows without me having to reassure him that me being sad over Jason's absence is because of the presence he had in our life and that Sean misses him to. I am thankful he supports my need for therapy and offer's encouraging words.
Just like the other storms I have endured, I will make it through this one too and so will Riley. He has some strong parents left here to get him through this crazy stuff.. and I am glad that I know myself well enough to know that I can't fix me on my own, which means I can't keep strong for him until I fix my own stuff.
Being a parent is hard. Always. If you don't have kids yet and you think it's a walk in the park.. You're a dumb dumb. Though being a parent is hard, being a broken parent to a broken kid is harder then you could ever imagine. Being a broken parent to a broken kid and holding it together is like walking into a gun fight with a butter knife without the ability to hide behind someone or something.
We will figure it out.. probably not in any kind of timely manner.. but we will none the less. (:
Friday, December 11, 2015
To My Daughters..
Tonight as we drove home from Aunt Kasie's house, you asked Dad and me who has been harder to raise.. boys or girls. Dad told you that none of it is easy and you all had your pro's and con's.
My answer was different, my answer is more complicated. My bond with you was not as easy to form as others and took far more patience on my end.. and lot's of those day's I had very little patience at all. The weeks were short but some of those days in the beginning were long.
There is something I want you to know though and I mean this from the very bottom of my heart. I have loved you from the very beginning. I knew I loved you before I knew I was in love with your Daddy. I knew that my life wouldn't be easier with you in it but my life would be more complete than I ever imagined.
In the beginning, you two held me to an un achievable standard. You held me to the standard of your Mommy, something that I will never, ever live up to and something I can't ever be. Do not mistake those words or take them as a statement of, "I'm not your mom nor do I want to be." But I will never be your Mommy. I will never know what it was like to grow you or carry you in my womb. I won't ever miss the sounds of your first cries because I was not there for those moments. However, I am so lucky to be an addition to your Mommy. I am so lucky to be your "Momma K", or as you so lovingly refer to me, your "bonus" Mom.
I have been blessed to be apart of so many of your milestones.
Madison, I got to help get you ready for your first day of Kindergarten, I have had the pleasure of being present at your awards ceremonies, your parent teacher conferences and we have had so much fun building our own family traditions.
Aubrey, I had the pleasure of doing your hair and make up for your very first dance, we have had very meaningful conversations about my childhood, the grandparents you'll never know and I have also had the pleasure of being present for so much of your schooling milestones.
I have been a fill in for sick nights, I have cleaned your vomit out of carpet, I have shuffled you to Dr. appointments, dentist appointments, play dates, back to school nights, science fairs, dances, sleep overs and countless vacations and even our trips to the local store are mostly enjoyable. What's most valuable to me though is how much I have gotten to watch you grow. I have watched you both come into your own, to have your own real thoughts and personalities.. you both are becoming beautiful, respectful, smart little women.
What I want you to know and understand more then anything is that even though those beginning day's were hard for me I know they were just as hard for you.
You guys went from being a family of four to being shuffled from parent to parent. You barely had time to adjust to that and really enjoy your daddy before Riley and I came into the picture. Then came Cooper! It was a lot of change, for all of us.
The last five years have been fun, challenging and exhausting but worth every minute. I wouldn't trade any of you for the world, I would move mountains for all four of you and I can't imagine my life without any one of you. I am thankful for you, each and every one of you and I love you all so much, for so many reasons.
Aubrey, you are so talented in so many ways. You are athletic and artistic, you have a beautiful singing voice and your confidence is admirable. You're so smart and beautiful beyond words. I am enjoying this part of your life and watching you learn how to build lasting friendships with your peers.
Madison.. Oh Madison. You are also beautiful beyond words and incredibly intelligent. You are strong willed and independent. I pray that those two qualities take you down positive paths in your life. You make me laugh and listening to you talk tonight about how you would do anything you can to protect your brothers made my heart smile.
My life is better with you two in it. My heart is full and I am looking forward to being present for so many more of your milestones..
Our life might seem messy to a lot of people from the outside looking in, Hell.. some days it looks messy from the inside to.. but one thing is for sure, I love this life of ours, I love our family of 6 (8 if you count these mangy mutts).. but mostly, I love you. All of you..
My answer was different, my answer is more complicated. My bond with you was not as easy to form as others and took far more patience on my end.. and lot's of those day's I had very little patience at all. The weeks were short but some of those days in the beginning were long.
There is something I want you to know though and I mean this from the very bottom of my heart. I have loved you from the very beginning. I knew I loved you before I knew I was in love with your Daddy. I knew that my life wouldn't be easier with you in it but my life would be more complete than I ever imagined.
In the beginning, you two held me to an un achievable standard. You held me to the standard of your Mommy, something that I will never, ever live up to and something I can't ever be. Do not mistake those words or take them as a statement of, "I'm not your mom nor do I want to be." But I will never be your Mommy. I will never know what it was like to grow you or carry you in my womb. I won't ever miss the sounds of your first cries because I was not there for those moments. However, I am so lucky to be an addition to your Mommy. I am so lucky to be your "Momma K", or as you so lovingly refer to me, your "bonus" Mom.
I have been blessed to be apart of so many of your milestones.
Madison, I got to help get you ready for your first day of Kindergarten, I have had the pleasure of being present at your awards ceremonies, your parent teacher conferences and we have had so much fun building our own family traditions.
Aubrey, I had the pleasure of doing your hair and make up for your very first dance, we have had very meaningful conversations about my childhood, the grandparents you'll never know and I have also had the pleasure of being present for so much of your schooling milestones.
I have been a fill in for sick nights, I have cleaned your vomit out of carpet, I have shuffled you to Dr. appointments, dentist appointments, play dates, back to school nights, science fairs, dances, sleep overs and countless vacations and even our trips to the local store are mostly enjoyable. What's most valuable to me though is how much I have gotten to watch you grow. I have watched you both come into your own, to have your own real thoughts and personalities.. you both are becoming beautiful, respectful, smart little women.
What I want you to know and understand more then anything is that even though those beginning day's were hard for me I know they were just as hard for you.
You guys went from being a family of four to being shuffled from parent to parent. You barely had time to adjust to that and really enjoy your daddy before Riley and I came into the picture. Then came Cooper! It was a lot of change, for all of us.
The last five years have been fun, challenging and exhausting but worth every minute. I wouldn't trade any of you for the world, I would move mountains for all four of you and I can't imagine my life without any one of you. I am thankful for you, each and every one of you and I love you all so much, for so many reasons.
Aubrey, you are so talented in so many ways. You are athletic and artistic, you have a beautiful singing voice and your confidence is admirable. You're so smart and beautiful beyond words. I am enjoying this part of your life and watching you learn how to build lasting friendships with your peers.
Madison.. Oh Madison. You are also beautiful beyond words and incredibly intelligent. You are strong willed and independent. I pray that those two qualities take you down positive paths in your life. You make me laugh and listening to you talk tonight about how you would do anything you can to protect your brothers made my heart smile.
My life is better with you two in it. My heart is full and I am looking forward to being present for so many more of your milestones..
Our life might seem messy to a lot of people from the outside looking in, Hell.. some days it looks messy from the inside to.. but one thing is for sure, I love this life of ours, I love our family of 6 (8 if you count these mangy mutts).. but mostly, I love you. All of you..
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Breaking All of My Own Rules..
If you know me, as a person.. or as a Mom.. You know I am a stickler for my rules. Use your manners, chew with your mouth closed, ALWAYS acknowledge the people around you, be humble and give thanks for all that you have. Be nice to your brother and sisters, respect your teachers.. ect.
Mostly, do your homework, don't argue, showers and books then bed by 8:30! NO EXCEPTIONS and DEFINITELY no sleep over's during the week.
Sean and I both had the day off and when he asked me what we should do, I replied with, "let's see if Dee will watch Cooper for the night and we can take Riley to the New Found Glory concert in Anaheim." .. Sean immediately replied with, "What about school tomorrow?" .. to which I replied, "He can still go, I'll take him on my way into work so he can have an extra hour of sleep.."
Sean looked at me like I had two heads but he agree'd.
Fast forward past everything everyone already knows and lets get to the good stuff.
We dropped Coop off with DeeDee and headed down the hill from there. We told Riley in the car, that we were on our way down to see NFG. His first response was, "I GET TO SEE DRESSED TO KILL?!" Oh man, priceless.
Sean told Riley all about how I had done my best to ask that they play his ONLY favorite song right now and that hopefully, nothing happens in-between and he get's to experience it, in person. Riley said a few mentionable, cute things like, "Mommy, did you tell them that we have to drive down the hill so that they don't sing it without me?" .. I had to explain that this wasn't a personal show for him and that they would be singing the song (and a lot more) for a whole crowd of people. Little did I know, how wrong my explanation would be.
Ian, who play's the bass for New Found Glory (and I am not name dropping to "name drop".. give me a minute) was the band member who responded to my requests today. He let me know that my plea's and down right ridiculousness (I had no idea what I was doing.. SO I called House of Blues and left my name and number with just about anyone who would write it down..) had not gone unheard or ignored and that they would play #dressedtokill this evening. Ian also instructed me to take Riley to the Merch booth for a special surprise. Seriously guys, totally unexpected. All I wanted was for my monkey to hear that song.. that was it. My only request.. not even an expectation, just a hope. I was stoked to think he might get a shirt or a CD. When Sean and Riley returned back to me during Tiger's Jaw I was so shocked and stoked to see Riley holding a drum head, addressed to him and signed by the entire band.. Ian even snuck some guitar picks onto the back. His face was so bright, it was the best start to an even better night.
Riley held strong (he went to school today and came home, played with Coop, took an hour nap and then rocked like a star).. He only asked to be held once, he fought with me about ear plugs but mostly.. he just rocked the fuck out. Seriously..
He danced around for Tiger's Jaw, he really rocked for Yellowcard (he said he liked that they cussed, they said the "F" word a lot but not as much as Mom.. those were his words.) Then, NFG hit that stage and he smiled from ear to ear. He rocked with his hands in the air, he sang the words he knew and he looked like he was exactly where he was meant to be.
I should rewind a bit and explain how it is that we ended up front and to the right.. When we got to the venue, I asked if there was a way we could upgrade so that Riley had a place to sit. The security told me that VIP was full but to head downstairs to the bar on the right.. that SOMETIMES they had been known to let kids sit up there but it was all based off of the bartenders mood. Doesn't hurt to ask, right? The bartender's were all super awesome and immediately complimented Ri. They were more then willing to let the little guy sit atop their bar! However, one super awesome bartender went above and beyond and helped me EVEN MORE. He directed me to security by the stage and told me what to say.
Security more then obliged. Security at House of Blues, you're all rockstars and you helped make this night even more amazing. Guard #50 (I never got his name..) directed Riley to the front of the barricade and stood watch next to him. Only a handful of times was Riley asked to move (for crowd surfers).. his first live musical experience was so much more then VIP.
So, back to when NFG hit the stage, Riley was sitting tall and excited with his drum head.. in complete AWE. He was directly in-front of Chad, who plays guitar. Chad kept laughing and smiling at Riley and at one point, stopped and pointed out to the crowd how hard Riley was rocking. They invited him up on the stage at this point and planted him on a stool. They found some ear muffs for the kid and went right back to rocking.
Then the time came.. the moment Riley was made for. They started singing Dressed to Kill and from the corner of the stage, my baby air drummed and sang his little heart out! Before I knew it, he had a microphone in his hand and he was on risers, singing to a sold out venue! He had Jordan's arm around him and he was singing his little heart out, almost every word, on point. He was jumping up and down off those risers and he was so interactive with the other members, I couldn't believe it was happening. All I could do was cry. Ugh, ugly, dinosaur tears for my tiny human!! He was the most happy I have ever seen him!!!! NFG let him take that part of the show and for that I will forever be grateful. I am grateful to all in attendance who cheered for my baby on that stage and who chanted his name, over and over. It was so humbling to see so many other pieces working to make MY son's night a special one.
You all know Riley.. give him an inch and he takes more then a mile. The song came to an end and they placed him back on his stool.. only for Riley to rush back out onto the stage! My heart stopped as Jordan came crashing back onto him.. He got up, shook it off and went back to his corner. Later, when we asked if he was hurt or embarrassed he replied with, "not at all.. all I could say was, "Oh shoot!"
Before the following song, Jordan apologized (totally not your fault!) and Chad ran some general rules off to Ri. He did great from that point on..
They kept checking in on him, asking if he wanted to come back down with us to which he OBVIOUSLY replied, "No thanks". He had oatmeal cookies from the stage and he soaked it all in.
When the show was over, they gave Riley the set list, some drum sticks and the ear muff's he had worn on stage. He came down off the stage with a light inside I haven't ever seen before! Everyone around us told him what a great job he did, they gave him High Fives and they all called him by his first name.
As we walked out through Downtown Disney, Sean told Riley how proud he was of him. How his cheeks hurt from smiling and how Riley was so confident up on stage. As we walked, people kept pointing and saying, "THATS RILEY!" Oh, he totally ate up every bit of that.
Sean took him to the bathroom, as I waited outside a guy walked by and said to his friend, "I can't believe that kid knew every word to dressed to kill! That was awesome!" .. Uhm, you're welcome.. I did that. I'll take credit for every, last bit of that! Thank you!
So, not in short at all.. that was our night, our amazing, rule broken night.
Tonight I got to watch my baby have one of the greatest musical experiences ever. Tonight, he was blissfully happy and whole.. tonight you would not know, for even a second everything he has been through in the last 6 months.
Tonight we helped him make memories that will last him a lifetime. Tonight, we made 2015 a little less sucky!
This morning though, at 3:07 a.m. .. I am so thankful to New Found Glory, to Ian, Chad, Jordan and Cyrus I don't know how to express to you how grateful I am for all the smiles that we got to see come from Riley. I wish that I could put into words, how much more this meant to me, as a Mom who just wanted him to hear his favorite song, live.
I was already a die hard fan and I already have so much respect for musicians and the sacrifice you make. I understand that what you do is a give and take.. especially when you have your own families.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Facebook messages.. for not only honoring my request but going above and beyond. All I know how to say in words is that the entire experience was humbling.
Riley's 15 minutes of fame can be followed on IG, Facebook and I'm sure a youtube video, somewhere.
Later this morning when his eyes open, he will be forced back to reality and back to school. He is already concerned that no one is going to believe he got to go to a concert, let alone on stage!
"Mommy, you have to call Mrs. Streubing so that she knows it's all true!" -Riley Fox
Mostly, do your homework, don't argue, showers and books then bed by 8:30! NO EXCEPTIONS and DEFINITELY no sleep over's during the week.
Sean and I both had the day off and when he asked me what we should do, I replied with, "let's see if Dee will watch Cooper for the night and we can take Riley to the New Found Glory concert in Anaheim." .. Sean immediately replied with, "What about school tomorrow?" .. to which I replied, "He can still go, I'll take him on my way into work so he can have an extra hour of sleep.."
Sean looked at me like I had two heads but he agree'd.
Fast forward past everything everyone already knows and lets get to the good stuff.
We dropped Coop off with DeeDee and headed down the hill from there. We told Riley in the car, that we were on our way down to see NFG. His first response was, "I GET TO SEE DRESSED TO KILL?!" Oh man, priceless.
Sean told Riley all about how I had done my best to ask that they play his ONLY favorite song right now and that hopefully, nothing happens in-between and he get's to experience it, in person. Riley said a few mentionable, cute things like, "Mommy, did you tell them that we have to drive down the hill so that they don't sing it without me?" .. I had to explain that this wasn't a personal show for him and that they would be singing the song (and a lot more) for a whole crowd of people. Little did I know, how wrong my explanation would be.
Ian, who play's the bass for New Found Glory (and I am not name dropping to "name drop".. give me a minute) was the band member who responded to my requests today. He let me know that my plea's and down right ridiculousness (I had no idea what I was doing.. SO I called House of Blues and left my name and number with just about anyone who would write it down..) had not gone unheard or ignored and that they would play #dressedtokill this evening. Ian also instructed me to take Riley to the Merch booth for a special surprise. Seriously guys, totally unexpected. All I wanted was for my monkey to hear that song.. that was it. My only request.. not even an expectation, just a hope. I was stoked to think he might get a shirt or a CD. When Sean and Riley returned back to me during Tiger's Jaw I was so shocked and stoked to see Riley holding a drum head, addressed to him and signed by the entire band.. Ian even snuck some guitar picks onto the back. His face was so bright, it was the best start to an even better night.
Riley held strong (he went to school today and came home, played with Coop, took an hour nap and then rocked like a star).. He only asked to be held once, he fought with me about ear plugs but mostly.. he just rocked the fuck out. Seriously..
He danced around for Tiger's Jaw, he really rocked for Yellowcard (he said he liked that they cussed, they said the "F" word a lot but not as much as Mom.. those were his words.) Then, NFG hit that stage and he smiled from ear to ear. He rocked with his hands in the air, he sang the words he knew and he looked like he was exactly where he was meant to be.
I should rewind a bit and explain how it is that we ended up front and to the right.. When we got to the venue, I asked if there was a way we could upgrade so that Riley had a place to sit. The security told me that VIP was full but to head downstairs to the bar on the right.. that SOMETIMES they had been known to let kids sit up there but it was all based off of the bartenders mood. Doesn't hurt to ask, right? The bartender's were all super awesome and immediately complimented Ri. They were more then willing to let the little guy sit atop their bar! However, one super awesome bartender went above and beyond and helped me EVEN MORE. He directed me to security by the stage and told me what to say.
Security more then obliged. Security at House of Blues, you're all rockstars and you helped make this night even more amazing. Guard #50 (I never got his name..) directed Riley to the front of the barricade and stood watch next to him. Only a handful of times was Riley asked to move (for crowd surfers).. his first live musical experience was so much more then VIP.
So, back to when NFG hit the stage, Riley was sitting tall and excited with his drum head.. in complete AWE. He was directly in-front of Chad, who plays guitar. Chad kept laughing and smiling at Riley and at one point, stopped and pointed out to the crowd how hard Riley was rocking. They invited him up on the stage at this point and planted him on a stool. They found some ear muffs for the kid and went right back to rocking.
Then the time came.. the moment Riley was made for. They started singing Dressed to Kill and from the corner of the stage, my baby air drummed and sang his little heart out! Before I knew it, he had a microphone in his hand and he was on risers, singing to a sold out venue! He had Jordan's arm around him and he was singing his little heart out, almost every word, on point. He was jumping up and down off those risers and he was so interactive with the other members, I couldn't believe it was happening. All I could do was cry. Ugh, ugly, dinosaur tears for my tiny human!! He was the most happy I have ever seen him!!!! NFG let him take that part of the show and for that I will forever be grateful. I am grateful to all in attendance who cheered for my baby on that stage and who chanted his name, over and over. It was so humbling to see so many other pieces working to make MY son's night a special one.
You all know Riley.. give him an inch and he takes more then a mile. The song came to an end and they placed him back on his stool.. only for Riley to rush back out onto the stage! My heart stopped as Jordan came crashing back onto him.. He got up, shook it off and went back to his corner. Later, when we asked if he was hurt or embarrassed he replied with, "not at all.. all I could say was, "Oh shoot!"
Before the following song, Jordan apologized (totally not your fault!) and Chad ran some general rules off to Ri. He did great from that point on..
They kept checking in on him, asking if he wanted to come back down with us to which he OBVIOUSLY replied, "No thanks". He had oatmeal cookies from the stage and he soaked it all in.
When the show was over, they gave Riley the set list, some drum sticks and the ear muff's he had worn on stage. He came down off the stage with a light inside I haven't ever seen before! Everyone around us told him what a great job he did, they gave him High Fives and they all called him by his first name.
As we walked out through Downtown Disney, Sean told Riley how proud he was of him. How his cheeks hurt from smiling and how Riley was so confident up on stage. As we walked, people kept pointing and saying, "THATS RILEY!" Oh, he totally ate up every bit of that.
Sean took him to the bathroom, as I waited outside a guy walked by and said to his friend, "I can't believe that kid knew every word to dressed to kill! That was awesome!" .. Uhm, you're welcome.. I did that. I'll take credit for every, last bit of that! Thank you!
So, not in short at all.. that was our night, our amazing, rule broken night.
Tonight I got to watch my baby have one of the greatest musical experiences ever. Tonight, he was blissfully happy and whole.. tonight you would not know, for even a second everything he has been through in the last 6 months.
Tonight we helped him make memories that will last him a lifetime. Tonight, we made 2015 a little less sucky!
This morning though, at 3:07 a.m. .. I am so thankful to New Found Glory, to Ian, Chad, Jordan and Cyrus I don't know how to express to you how grateful I am for all the smiles that we got to see come from Riley. I wish that I could put into words, how much more this meant to me, as a Mom who just wanted him to hear his favorite song, live.
I was already a die hard fan and I already have so much respect for musicians and the sacrifice you make. I understand that what you do is a give and take.. especially when you have your own families.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Facebook messages.. for not only honoring my request but going above and beyond. All I know how to say in words is that the entire experience was humbling.
Riley's 15 minutes of fame can be followed on IG, Facebook and I'm sure a youtube video, somewhere.
Later this morning when his eyes open, he will be forced back to reality and back to school. He is already concerned that no one is going to believe he got to go to a concert, let alone on stage!
"Mommy, you have to call Mrs. Streubing so that she knows it's all true!" -Riley Fox
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Beside Myself..
This has been an amazing week so far.. ending last week with a bang. We conquered Halloween like the beasts we are and moved right into Sean's birthday party the very next day. I felt like for as unorganized as I was and how unprepared I was for the amount of people who came, the whole party was a success from start to finish. I was so glad because my husband really deserves it all.
Monday I recovered by cleaning floors and bathrooms, giving Bugsy a haircut and wash while keeping the boys entertained.
Today though.. today has been rough from the start. I am tired and I woke up from a dream I haven't been able to recover from.
My mom was in my dream and she was well.. she was happy. We were talking and laughing when an old high school friend appeared in my dream. (Chris Montalvo, if you're out there.. I wonder how you are from time to time.. Super weird that you appeared in my dream though.) Anyway, my mom and I were walking and talking about Cooper when Chris appeared and started yelling at me, "She isn't real! This isn't real! Why are you talking to her?! She isn't real anymore!" and like that, she was gone. I burst into tears in my dream and thats what woke me up. 6:20 in the morning, I came out and started the fire place so I could collect my thoughts for a minute.
Riley came out around 6:40 and sat with me for a bit, just some morning cuddles. All day though, that dream has been so real. The even more weird part is that I haven't dreamt of my mom talking since about 3 months after she died. Even crazier, I rarely remember my dreams.
I don't know why Chris was the one to tell me it was all a facade though. In high school we had that common bond, we had both lost a parent but we weren't ever super close and I haven't talked to the guy in well over 10 years.
The more I have thought about today, it has lead me to think even harder about tomorrow. Tomorrow Jason would be turning 31. In our world of "normal", Riley would be with Jason for this monumental occasion.
Riley and I have talked a little bit about it and he asked if we would take him down and throw a party for his Daddy Jason at the graveside. Gah, heartbreaking.
We plan to go down tomorrow sometime after school to plant something and say our Happy Birthdays. We plan to have dinner with Poppy and Memaw if schedules permit.. We hope for an easy, light hearted day (ok, I am hoping for that) but I know it will be anything but.
We have experienced so many milestones in these short 6 months and each one makes me sadder then the last. I have tried to see so much positive that it even makes me sick. Somedays, I have to tell myself (like today) it's ok to just let it sit.
I miss my friend, Riley misses his Daddy, Jason parent's miss their son, his siblings miss their brother, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends.. we all miss him and sometimes it's a lot. Today, it's a lot and tomorrow it will be even more /;
Like every other occasion, we will get through it with grace (not much ease.. but we do things with grace.. Or like Miley Cyrus, resembling a wrecking ball... ) We will cry silent tears in the shower and make things as easy for Riley as possible. I always dislike see'ing his spirit change when we get to the graveside but I know it's something he has to deal with too.
In the last 6 months it feel's like so many influential people have left this world, Sean and I were talking about it yesterday.. we're sick of funerals, we're tired of being sad and we're super over "final" goodbyes. This getting "older" stuff is for the birds.
If you think about it, send some positive vibes to my baby and his family on his Daddy's side, tomorrow.. I would super appreciate it <3
Monday I recovered by cleaning floors and bathrooms, giving Bugsy a haircut and wash while keeping the boys entertained.
Today though.. today has been rough from the start. I am tired and I woke up from a dream I haven't been able to recover from.
My mom was in my dream and she was well.. she was happy. We were talking and laughing when an old high school friend appeared in my dream. (Chris Montalvo, if you're out there.. I wonder how you are from time to time.. Super weird that you appeared in my dream though.) Anyway, my mom and I were walking and talking about Cooper when Chris appeared and started yelling at me, "She isn't real! This isn't real! Why are you talking to her?! She isn't real anymore!" and like that, she was gone. I burst into tears in my dream and thats what woke me up. 6:20 in the morning, I came out and started the fire place so I could collect my thoughts for a minute.
Riley came out around 6:40 and sat with me for a bit, just some morning cuddles. All day though, that dream has been so real. The even more weird part is that I haven't dreamt of my mom talking since about 3 months after she died. Even crazier, I rarely remember my dreams.
I don't know why Chris was the one to tell me it was all a facade though. In high school we had that common bond, we had both lost a parent but we weren't ever super close and I haven't talked to the guy in well over 10 years.
The more I have thought about today, it has lead me to think even harder about tomorrow. Tomorrow Jason would be turning 31. In our world of "normal", Riley would be with Jason for this monumental occasion.
Riley and I have talked a little bit about it and he asked if we would take him down and throw a party for his Daddy Jason at the graveside. Gah, heartbreaking.
We plan to go down tomorrow sometime after school to plant something and say our Happy Birthdays. We plan to have dinner with Poppy and Memaw if schedules permit.. We hope for an easy, light hearted day (ok, I am hoping for that) but I know it will be anything but.
We have experienced so many milestones in these short 6 months and each one makes me sadder then the last. I have tried to see so much positive that it even makes me sick. Somedays, I have to tell myself (like today) it's ok to just let it sit.
I miss my friend, Riley misses his Daddy, Jason parent's miss their son, his siblings miss their brother, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends.. we all miss him and sometimes it's a lot. Today, it's a lot and tomorrow it will be even more /;
Like every other occasion, we will get through it with grace (not much ease.. but we do things with grace.. Or like Miley Cyrus, resembling a wrecking ball... ) We will cry silent tears in the shower and make things as easy for Riley as possible. I always dislike see'ing his spirit change when we get to the graveside but I know it's something he has to deal with too.
In the last 6 months it feel's like so many influential people have left this world, Sean and I were talking about it yesterday.. we're sick of funerals, we're tired of being sad and we're super over "final" goodbyes. This getting "older" stuff is for the birds.
If you think about it, send some positive vibes to my baby and his family on his Daddy's side, tomorrow.. I would super appreciate it <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)