To My Daughters..

Tonight as we drove home from Aunt Kasie's house, you asked Dad and me who has been harder to raise.. boys or girls. Dad told you that none of it is easy and you all had your pro's and con's.
 My answer was different, my answer is more complicated. My bond with you was not as easy to form as others and took far more patience on my end.. and lot's of those day's I had very little patience at all. The weeks were short but some of those days in the beginning were long.
 There is something I want you to know though and I mean this from the very bottom of my heart. I have loved you from the very beginning. I knew I loved you before I knew I was in love with your Daddy. I knew that my life wouldn't be easier with you in it but my life would be more complete than I ever imagined.
 In the beginning, you two held me to an un achievable standard. You held me to the standard of your Mommy, something that I will never, ever live up to and something I can't ever be. Do not mistake those words or take them as a statement of, "I'm not your mom nor do I want to be." But I will never be your Mommy. I will never know what it was like to grow you or carry you in my womb. I won't ever miss the sounds of your first cries because I was not there for those moments. However, I am so lucky to be an addition to your Mommy. I am so lucky to be your "Momma K", or as you so lovingly refer to me, your "bonus" Mom.
 I have been blessed to be apart of so many of your milestones.
 Madison, I got to help get you ready for your first day of Kindergarten, I have had the pleasure of being present at your awards ceremonies, your parent teacher conferences and we have had so much fun building our own family traditions.
 Aubrey, I had the pleasure of doing your hair and make up for your very first dance, we have had very meaningful conversations about my childhood, the grandparents you'll never know and I have also had the pleasure of being present for so much of your schooling milestones.
 I have been a fill in for sick nights, I have cleaned your vomit out of carpet, I have shuffled you to Dr. appointments, dentist appointments, play dates, back to school nights, science fairs, dances, sleep overs and countless vacations and even our trips to the local store are mostly enjoyable. What's most valuable to me though is how much I have gotten to watch you grow. I have watched you both come into your own, to have your own real thoughts and personalities.. you both are becoming beautiful, respectful, smart little women.
 What I want you to know and understand more then anything is that even though those beginning day's were hard for me I know they were just as hard for you.
 You guys went from being a family of four to being shuffled from parent to parent. You barely had time to adjust to that and really enjoy your daddy before Riley and I came into the picture. Then came Cooper! It was a lot of change, for all of us.
 The last five years have been fun, challenging and exhausting but worth every minute. I wouldn't trade any of you for the world, I would move mountains for all four of you and I can't imagine my life without any one of you. I am thankful for you, each and every one of you and I love you all so much, for so many reasons.
  Aubrey, you are so talented in so many ways. You are athletic and artistic, you have a beautiful singing voice and your confidence is admirable. You're so smart and beautiful beyond words. I am enjoying this part of your life and watching you learn how to build lasting friendships with your peers.
 Madison.. Oh Madison. You are also beautiful beyond words and incredibly intelligent. You are strong willed and independent. I pray that those two qualities take you down positive paths in your life. You make me laugh and listening to you talk tonight about how you would do anything you can to protect your brothers made my heart smile.
 My life is better with you two in it. My heart is full and I am looking forward to being present for so many more of your milestones..
 Our life might seem messy to a lot of people from the outside looking in, Hell.. some days it looks messy from the inside to.. but one thing is for sure, I love this life of ours, I love our family of 6 (8 if you count these mangy mutts).. but mostly, I love you. All of you..

Breaking All of My Own Rules..

 If you know me, as a person.. or as a Mom.. You know I am a stickler for my rules. Use your manners, chew with your mouth closed, ALWAYS acknowledge the people around you, be humble and give thanks for all that you have. Be nice to your brother and sisters, respect your teachers.. ect.
 Mostly, do your homework, don't argue, showers and books then bed by 8:30! NO EXCEPTIONS and DEFINITELY no sleep over's during the week.
 Sean and I both had the day off and when he asked me what we should do, I replied with, "let's see if Dee will watch Cooper for the night and we can take Riley to the New Found Glory concert in Anaheim." .. Sean immediately replied with, "What about school tomorrow?" .. to which I replied, "He can still go, I'll take him on my way into work so he can have an extra hour of sleep.."
 Sean looked at me like I had two heads but he agree'd.
 Fast forward past everything everyone already knows and lets get to the good stuff.
 We dropped Coop off with DeeDee and headed down the hill from there. We told Riley in the car, that we were on our way down to see NFG. His first response was, "I GET TO SEE DRESSED TO KILL?!" Oh man, priceless.
 Sean told Riley all about how I had done my best to ask that they play his ONLY favorite song right now and that hopefully, nothing happens in-between and he get's to experience it, in person.  Riley said a few mentionable, cute things like, "Mommy, did you tell them that we have to drive down the hill so that they don't sing it without me?" .. I had to explain that this wasn't a personal show for him and that they would be singing the song (and a lot more) for a whole crowd of people. Little did I know, how wrong my explanation would be.
  Ian, who play's the bass for New Found Glory (and I am not name dropping to "name drop".. give me a minute) was the band member who responded to my requests today. He let me know that my plea's and down right ridiculousness (I had no idea what I was doing.. SO I called House of Blues and left my name and number with just about anyone who would write it down..) had not gone unheard or ignored and that they would play #dressedtokill this evening. Ian also instructed me to take Riley to the Merch booth for a special surprise. Seriously guys, totally unexpected. All I wanted was for my monkey to hear that song.. that was it. My only request.. not even an expectation, just a hope. I was stoked to think he might get a shirt or a CD. When Sean and Riley returned back to me during Tiger's Jaw I was so shocked and stoked to see Riley holding a drum head, addressed to him and signed by the entire band.. Ian even snuck some guitar picks onto the back. His face was so bright, it was the best start to an even better night.
 Riley held strong (he went to school today and came home, played with Coop, took an hour nap and then rocked like a star).. He only asked to be held once, he fought with me about ear plugs but mostly.. he just rocked the fuck out. Seriously..
 He danced around for Tiger's Jaw, he really rocked for Yellowcard (he said he liked that they cussed, they said the "F" word a lot but not as much as Mom.. those were his words.) Then, NFG hit that stage and he smiled from ear to ear. He rocked with his hands in the air, he sang the words he knew and he looked like he was exactly where he was meant to be.
 I should rewind a bit and explain how it is that we ended up front and to the right.. When we got to the venue, I asked if there was a way we could upgrade so that Riley had a place to sit. The security told me that VIP was full but to head downstairs to the bar on the right.. that SOMETIMES they had been known to let kids sit up there but it was all based off of the bartenders mood. Doesn't hurt to ask, right? The bartender's were all super awesome and immediately complimented Ri. They were more then willing to let the little guy sit atop their bar! However, one super awesome bartender went above and beyond and helped me EVEN MORE. He directed me to security by the stage and told me what to say.
 Security more then obliged. Security at House of Blues, you're all rockstars and you helped make this night even more amazing. Guard #50 (I never got his name..) directed Riley to the front of the barricade and stood watch next to him. Only a handful of times was Riley asked to move (for crowd surfers).. his first live musical experience was so much more then VIP.
 So, back to when NFG hit the stage, Riley was sitting tall and excited with his drum head.. in complete AWE. He was directly in-front of Chad, who plays guitar. Chad kept laughing and smiling at Riley and at one point, stopped and pointed out to the crowd how hard Riley was rocking. They invited him up on the stage at this point and planted him on a stool. They found some ear muffs for the kid and went right back to rocking.
 Then the time came.. the moment Riley was made for. They started singing Dressed to Kill and from the corner of the stage, my baby air drummed and sang his little heart out! Before I knew it, he had a microphone in his hand and he was on risers, singing to a sold out venue! He had Jordan's arm around him and he was singing his little heart out, almost every word, on point. He was jumping up and down off those risers and he was so interactive with the other members, I couldn't believe it was happening. All I could do was cry. Ugh, ugly, dinosaur tears for my tiny human!! He was the most happy I have ever seen him!!!! NFG let him take that part of the show and for that I will forever be grateful. I am grateful to all in attendance who cheered for my baby on that stage and who chanted his name, over and over. It was so humbling to see so many other pieces working to make MY son's night a special one.
 You all know Riley.. give him an inch and he takes more then a mile. The song came to an end and they placed him back on his stool.. only for Riley to rush back out onto the stage! My heart stopped as Jordan came crashing back onto him.. He got up, shook it off and went back to his corner. Later, when we asked if he was hurt or embarrassed he replied with, "not at all.. all I could say was, "Oh shoot!"
 Before the following song, Jordan apologized (totally not your fault!) and Chad ran some general rules off to Ri. He did great from that point on..
 They kept checking in on him, asking if he wanted to come back down with us to which he OBVIOUSLY replied, "No thanks". He had oatmeal cookies from the stage and he soaked it all in.
 When the show was over, they gave Riley the set list, some drum sticks and the ear muff's he had worn on stage. He came down off the stage with a light inside I haven't ever seen before! Everyone around us told him what a great job he did, they gave him High Fives and they all called him by his first name.
 As we walked out through Downtown Disney, Sean told Riley how proud he was of him. How his cheeks hurt from smiling and how Riley was so confident up on stage. As we walked, people kept pointing and saying, "THATS RILEY!" Oh, he totally ate up every bit of that.
 Sean took him to the bathroom, as I waited outside a guy walked by and said to his friend, "I can't believe that kid knew every word to dressed to kill! That was awesome!" .. Uhm, you're welcome.. I did that. I'll take credit for every, last bit of that! Thank you!
 So, not in short at all.. that was our night, our amazing, rule broken night.
 Tonight I got to watch my baby have one of the greatest musical experiences ever. Tonight, he was blissfully happy and whole.. tonight you would not know, for even a second everything he has been through in the last 6 months.
 Tonight we helped him make memories that will last him a lifetime. Tonight, we made 2015 a little less sucky!
 This morning though, at 3:07 a.m. .. I am so thankful to New Found Glory, to Ian, Chad, Jordan and Cyrus I don't know how to express to you how grateful I am for all the smiles that we got to see come from Riley. I wish that I could put into words, how much more this meant to me, as a Mom who just wanted him to hear his favorite song, live.
 I was already a die hard fan and I already have so much respect for musicians and the sacrifice you make. I understand that what you do is a give and take.. especially when you have your own families.
 Thank you for taking the time to read my Facebook messages.. for not only honoring my request but going above and beyond. All I know how to say in words is that the entire experience was humbling.
 Riley's 15 minutes of fame can be followed on IG, Facebook and I'm sure a youtube video, somewhere.
 Later this morning when his eyes open, he will be forced back to reality and back to school. He is already concerned that no one is going to believe he got to go to a concert, let alone on stage!
 "Mommy, you have to call Mrs. Streubing so that she knows it's all true!" -Riley Fox

Beside Myself..

This has been an amazing week so far.. ending last week with a bang. We conquered Halloween like the beasts we are and moved right into Sean's birthday party the very next day. I felt like for as unorganized as I was and how unprepared I was for the amount of people who came, the whole party was a success from start to finish. I was so glad because my husband really deserves it all.
 Monday I recovered by cleaning floors and bathrooms, giving Bugsy a haircut and wash while keeping the boys entertained.
 Today though.. today has been rough from the start. I am tired and I woke up from a dream I haven't been able to recover from.
 My mom was in my dream and she was well.. she was happy. We were talking and laughing when an old high school friend appeared in my dream. (Chris Montalvo, if you're out there.. I wonder how you are from time to time.. Super weird that you appeared in my dream though.) Anyway, my mom and I were walking and talking about Cooper when Chris appeared and started yelling at me, "She isn't real! This isn't real! Why are you talking to her?! She isn't real anymore!" and like that, she was gone.  I burst into tears in my dream and thats what woke me up. 6:20 in the morning, I came out and started the fire place so I could collect my thoughts for a minute.
 Riley came out around 6:40 and sat with me for a bit, just some morning cuddles. All day though, that dream has been so real. The even more weird part is that I haven't dreamt of my mom talking since about 3 months after she died. Even crazier, I rarely remember my dreams.
 I don't know why Chris was the one to tell me it was all a facade though. In high school we had that common bond, we had both lost a parent but we weren't ever super close and I haven't talked to the guy in well over 10 years.
 The more I have thought about today, it has lead me to think even harder about tomorrow. Tomorrow Jason would be turning 31. In our world of "normal", Riley would be with Jason for this monumental occasion.
 Riley and I have talked a little bit about it and he asked if we would take him down and throw a party for his Daddy Jason at the graveside. Gah, heartbreaking.
 We plan to go down tomorrow sometime after school to plant something and say our Happy Birthdays. We plan to have dinner with Poppy and Memaw if schedules permit.. We hope for an easy, light hearted day (ok, I am hoping for that) but I know it will be anything but.
 We have experienced so many milestones in these short 6 months and each one makes me sadder then the last. I have tried to see so much positive that it even makes me sick. Somedays, I have to tell myself (like today) it's ok to just let it sit.
 I miss my friend, Riley misses his Daddy, Jason parent's miss their son, his siblings miss their brother, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends.. we all miss him and sometimes it's a lot. Today, it's a lot and tomorrow it will be even more /;
  Like every other occasion, we will get through it with grace (not much ease.. but we do things with grace.. Or like Miley Cyrus, resembling a wrecking ball... ) We will cry silent tears in the shower and make things as easy for Riley as possible. I always dislike see'ing his spirit change when we get to the graveside but I know it's something he has to deal with too.
 In the last 6 months it feel's like so many influential people have left this world, Sean and I were talking about it yesterday.. we're sick of funerals, we're tired of being sad and we're super over "final" goodbyes. This getting "older" stuff is for the birds.
 If you think about it, send some positive vibes to my baby and his family on his Daddy's side, tomorrow.. I would super appreciate it <3

Without Public Opinion.. Some Ehart News..

Prior to making this announcement we wanted to make sure we told the appropriate people first. Had all the right discussions and as a family, knew where and how to stand. With that being said, I am not blogging about this for anyone else's opinion.. but more or less to let you know the progression and how we are moving forward in our home.

 A few months back, we went on a family vacation.. as you all know. The details I left out about said vacation were that of a very memorable request and conversation between us and Riley.

 On the first day after Hearst Castle, we had dinner and returned back to our hotel to swim. As we were all getting ready, Riley, very stoic and sincere walked straight up to Sean and said, "Seany, I want you to donate me." .. Sean laughed and said, "what?".. to which Riley replied, "I want you to DONATE me.." as though yelling this and speaking slower, might help Sean understand.. (Duh!).. I rounded the corner from the bathroom and asked what he was talking about and his reply was gut wrenching, heart breaking, yet brave and exciting.. all at once, if possible. He said, "You know Mommy, when Seany becomes my daddy here on Earth!" .. to which Sean replied, "You want me to ADOPT you?" and with a big grin, Riley said, "Yes." 

  After Jason passed away, A LOT of people asked me if this were a possibility (never in the vicinity of ear shot to Riley.) to which I commonly replied, "Maybe someday, when Riley can have an opinion and a say.. but it isn't anything we need to address right now."

 After Jason was laid to rest the first part of May, a few weeks passed and Riley asked me what "adopt" meant. While playing with friends he had heard another adult ask me about it and heard my common reply. A lump formed in my throat and I asked Riley what HE thought it meant. He said, "In school it means you go live with another family.." GAH! My poor child thinks were going to ship him away now, was all I could think.

 I calmy and in my best "Mom voice" explained to my boy that SOMETIMES, your family can adopt you. I explained that this was the case for me, when my grandma and grandpa adopted me. He then asked, "Why would Seany adopt me?" .. My reply went much like this:

 "Riley, Seany would adopt you because he LOVES you. I need you to understand something though, ok? Your daddy Jason is ALWAYS going to be your daddy.. He will always love you but now he's doing it from Heaven. Some day though, if you wanted Seany to adopt you, you two could talk about it and he would be your Daddy here on Earth. If you wanted, you could change your last name to Ehart or you could stay Ashworth.. but what is most important, is that someday, if something happened to Mommy, Seany adopting you would just mean that Seany could take care of you and you would stay with your brother and sisters."

 Riley looked at me with those large doe eyes and walked away. He had all the information he needed and he set off to play. Not another word was spoken about adoption until our vacation, when Riley completely side swiped us with his request to be donated.

 Fast forward from then to now.. with lots of therapy and counseling sessions, classes required of Sean and some extensive back ground checks.. Sean is a candidate to adopt Riley and we have received our date for a home visit from the social worker in charge of our case. The fee's have been paid in full and to my knowledge, after the home check is cleared.. we sit and wait.

  Initially, after Riley's first request, Sean and I had decided to continue to hold off on this until things were "less raw".. and maybe his understanding of "permanent" was a little more clear. Two weeks to the day from Riley's first request, Riley asked WHEN was Seany going to adopt him? Why were we waiting? HE did NOT want to wait! .. So, this is when we brought all of this to the therapist. She helped us through the patches and helped us to understand that Riley is feeling lost.. almost like he has nowhere to belong. Though our family was far from conventional before Jason's passing, we were ALL his normal.. and now that "normal" was upset and RILEY was trying to tell us how to fix it but that as the parents.. we needed to decide if this was right for us.

 This in no way means that Riley is "fixed".. and most days Sean and I both feel like we're doing everything wrong. The adoption evokes good feelings and bad feelings from Riley on any given day, which his therapist reassures us that this is normal. Someday's he wishes his last name was Ehart right now because he wants to be like the rest of us!(But mostly Cooper, he identifies with Cooper) Other days, he's sad because Seany adopting him makes him miss his Daddy Jason. 

 Riley has gotten in the habit of calling Sean Dad and this was all his own doing. We have never forced the kids to call us Mom or Dad and we had mutually and quietly decided that the adoption wouldn't change that.. that Sean would be happy to be called "Seany" the rest of his life as long as he is in his life. I can see the bond between my husband and my son changing each day and that makes my heart smile. It seem's to be coming effortlessly and naturally for both of them..

 Our life certainly wasn't black and white before April 18th and most days we can't even be defined in the "gray" area. This is all new to all of us and were doing the best we can with what we have. Regardless if it's wrong or right.. were doing what we can to help Riley move forward.  

 I am beyond thankful for my husband. I know exactly how lucky I am and what a special man he is. Though he is remarkable, this situation has humbled us both in a lot of ways. He in no way intends to replace Jason and he has always been comfortable in his role as Riley's "bonus" dad. Stepping into the role of "Dad" for Riley were big shoes for Sean as he has always been cautious not to upset that line. He has always done a great job with our children and I have no doubt in my mind that this isn't a positive decision for our family. 

 We do not wish to phase Jason out or allow Riley to forget. We still regularly talk about Jason, he still talks about Daddy Jason and Jason's family is very much involved in Riley's life. None of that will change and as Riley gets older and deals with his loss, time and time again.. we will all be here to remind him of what he still has, how much he is still loved and how much his Daddy loved him and didn't want to leave him. 

 As we progress, I will do my best to update. I seem to be here less and less and more involved in day to day living.. which has been REALLY nice. (:

Most Nights, I Just Don't Know..

It's a working title.
 Since the start of school last week I have put on this brave face, this happy go lucky attitude and a make up caked smile.. but inside, I am sad, angry, hurt and going through some shit. (Yep, it's going to be one of those "blogs"..)
 After Jason and I divorced, I sought counseling. I got to go and really grieve the loss of my Mom, the loss of a Dad I never knew and deicide what part of my life was good, bad or ugly. I got to work through the issues I had with my Mom being a drug addict, the step dad who "stepped" right on out of my life and the father I never had the chance to know. It's amazing how working through those steps and knowing how good my life is now, how experiencing those things made me a stronger person today and how they helped me identify my behavioral patterns and my choice in people as an adult.
 It's also amazing, how watching my tiny little human go through heart break, can take every step I have made it through and every ounce of grief I have healed through.. and set me right back at the beginning. It's crazy to think, that at 30 years old.. I still have to work through some "Mommy/Daddy issues".
 I have always said that no matter what, my kids won't experience what I had to experience. My kids wouldn't know that life on any level.. and no matter how hard I have to work.. My kids will have everything they need. They will have a parent who is present, they will have a home to live in, clothes to wear, shoes that fit and a parent who loves unconditionally. Sometimes, I may go to extreme.. but I am almost always, doing the most I can for my kids.
 Yet here I sit, in this stage of life.. watching my child experience cloudy milestones, a life of loss, no matter how great the amount of people in his life and the imprints that have been left that I prayed he would never know and that my friends, leaves me feeling pretty shitty inside, incredibly frustrated and dare I say.. MAD.
 That also leaves me battling my own demons, which is fine.. I am used to that but now I am learning how to battle my demons with one hand while guiding a child through his with the other.. and still trying to find time and effort for 3 other tiny humans and 1 large. Oh, and the dog.. lets not forget my year old impulse.
 Some days it feels like yesterday that our life was flipped upside down and inside out.. and others it feels like 4 months. 4 months we have spent cycling through these patterns and 4 months we have spent trying to find normal, happy and routine.
 I know I end every blog with how this will get easier and how this phase will pass.. but honestly.. I just don't know anymore. It has been 7.5 years since my mom passed. A whole lifetime ago, yet some days, its so raw.. I feel like she was just here.
 So, as much as I try to candy coat my life and tell myself it's all going to be ok.. I just can't be sure. I do know, that were doing this one day at a time.. and I am giving it my all, which some days, isn't much.
 I guess when you spend your day's doubting every word, every lecture and every action.. You're bound to get something right.. and when they lay their heads down on their pillows at night and give me sloppy kisses.. there is a peace and comfort in knowing that no matter how bad I messed up that day.. tomorrow is a new one. (That I will likely, mess up).
 I have always joked that if my kids weren't in therapy by the time they were 18.. then maybe I hadn't done my job as a parent. Little did I know that one day that wouldn't be a joke and that 1/4 of my children would end up there, sooner rather then later.
 This isn't a pity post either, by any means.. It's therapeutic for me to get this all out and somedays I feel like unloading on my husband as he walks in the door from a long work day isn't healthy for either of us. Thats when I find myself here.. typing all my heartbreak into a box and hoping that maybe, someone will take comfort in knowing that no matter how bad their day was.. They aren't Kristi Ehart and that is a thumbs up.
 I know I am strong, I know how much I have endured and how little credit I give myself. I also know how much I can handle before I break.
 Today though and for the better part of last week.. I just felt crappy. I know thats ok but I don't wanna wallow anymore. I find myself getting stuck in the mud while trying to pull Riley out and in the struggle, we both start to sink.
 Until something better or worse happens, I'll keep on keeping' on. <3

Back To School.. (YES!!!)

Tomorrow is the day that all parent's of multiple/school aged children look forward to. It is probably, by far, the most anticipated day of the year in this home. Quickly followed by the LAST day of the school year.
 This house hold has been prepping for tomorrow for weeks! We have shopped till we dropped, we have packed our bags full of pretty pens, pencils, erasers and paper galore!
 Officially tomorrow, I am the proud Mommy of a Pre-Schooler, a Second Grader, a Fifth Grader and a Seventh Grader! It isn't even bitter sweet, I am going to bask in those three quiet hours a day, until Cooper comes home to set my life straight again. But TODAY we made sure our brand new shoes still fit and those outfits we picked out were still ok! We packed our healthy fruits into smaller bags, checked all our lists, trimmed hairs, fingers, toes, brushed teeth, set alarms and tucked into bed!!!
Then it was this Mommy's turn to prepare for tomorrow..
 As I showered, I couldn't help but burst into tears. I am talking, sad, ugly tears.. that are already coming back and forming in my eyes. It dawned on me that in all my prep and all my gusto and excitement for tomorrow.. I am clouded with a sadness that Jason won't be meeting us at the school to see Riley off into his first day of second grade. Though I know my brave, happy boy won't say it, I know he will notice it too and that breaks my heart.
 It was a quick realization tonight that forever, my son's happy milestones will be clouded with the fact that his daddy isn't physically present. For once in this entire situation I can relate to exactly how he feels.
 Tonight as I ugly cry, I am filled with a lot of anger and sad and I HATE those feelings. I am SO angry that Jay isn't here anymore and I am SO sad that Riley will always know that feeling..
 I have been thinking so much lately about how this isn't how Riley's life was supposed to be. His life wasn't supposed to mirror mine. It was not easy for Jay and I to build a friendship after divorce but we managed to make it work. We made it work for Riley because thats who mattered. Riley was supposed to always have at least 3 loving parents to support him and be present for all his events. He was supposed to have Jason, Sean and me.. because thats how its been and thats how it worked, really, really well.
 I know I need to suck it up and quit wallowing.. but it's really hard. Though I am adjusting,  I don't so much like this new standard of normal. I am super thankful for the happy stuff to recall and the time we all had with Jason but today, I selfishly would like him to be present for tomorrow and knowing he won't be makes my heart super fucking achy. (pardon my language.. but its an eff word kind of day.)

Making it Through the Days...

There hasn't been much to update lately. Riley seems to be doing alright, dare I even say.. good. (:
 We took a family vacation a couple weeks ago and they all had a blast! We drove up the coast to San Simeon and toured the Hearst Castle, toured the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, caught two Giant's games, took a steam train ride through the Red Wood's and ran laps around the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.. all in a matter of four days. We maxed out those four days and it was an absolute BLAST.
 Riley and I have been doing some family counseling together, more so I can understand how to handle a grieving child and even more so that he can figure out how to deal, as a grieving child. It has been good for the both of us. He really is an amazing, resilient little human.
 Aubrey girl took off for the week, down to San Diego with her best friend Reagan and Riley ditched us to hang out with his Nana for the weekend, So today Madness and Coop went to work with me. Coop "behaved" better then expected and Madness helped out so much that she was treated to a manicure, haircut with style and even a brow wax! She felt pretty dang good by the time we left.
 Life has been busy but in the ways we enjoy. We have spent some quality time at the Narrows, Discovery Science Center and even the beach with some awesome friends. We have had BBQ's and plenty of sleep overs and are 4 games away from being done with basketball season.. all with a lot less sad in our world.
 It's hard to believe that tomorrow will mark 12 weeks since I got the call that Jason had passed. I can't believe that it's been nearly 3 months and some days it doesn't seem real at all.
 Today as I made the boys beds, I took time to look at the pictures of Jason we have hung in Riley's room.. it made my heart ache and it really made me miss my friend.
 I can't believe we have made it this far and this is not at all how I expected our world to be.
 We will keep on keepin' on though and everyday we grow a little more, some set backs here and there but mostly with smiles and laughs. (: