Friday, August 25, 2017

You Were My Best Friend..

 It's no secret, that my "best" friend and I had a falling out nearly a year ago.
 It's no secret, it's taken me a long time to move past it. Some day's it feels like I haven't moved forward at all.
 You see, she was my ride or die, my ace, my number one. She was my alter ego. She was everything I am not. She was my "go to" for everything.. until she wasn't anymore.
 To her I say:
 I get mad at myself for missing you. I don't want to hold onto these things anymore but there were  so many times you compromised my integrity. Who I am as a person, the direction my moral compass points.
 So many times I didn't see anything wrong with what you were doing because I was not doing those things with you. For so many reason's I did as you asked, I didn't lecture you or say to much because you were, in my eyes, an adult.
 We were fire and ice, not a likely match. At first, I didn't want to be your friend. Your stylist, sure.. but your friend, no. This wasn't a secret. We often joked about how you were the puppy on my front porch that eventually needed food and water. Finally I let you into a place not many people have been. I let you into my heart, my home and into every part of my life. My kids called you "Aunt"..
 My husband despised our relationship but he soon realized it was one that was untouchable and with boundaries he let you have a piece of me.
 You see, I say these things because a friendship like ours was rare, once in a life time. It was one I wasn't looking for but in the end it was everything I was hoping to escape at any given turn.
 Your reckless nature was something I once admired and in the end of our friendship it was something I loathed about you.
 I really try my best not to be the friend who "keeps score" but towards the end of our friendship, I needed you. I was terrified, I was having a real life scare and you weren't there. In the two days it took you to finally call me back I went back and I recalled all the times I dropped life for you. All the times I put my own shit aside to pick you up and build you up as a person. In those two days I became someone I didn't want to be.
 I picked a fight with you about that two day span when I was really upset about everything that happened months prior.
 I didn't have the time or knowledge to tell you why I was really so upset with you and for that I apologize. I was childish.
 I was mad at you because you were not the person I had built you up to be. I had expectations that were false and you let me down. I was mad at your actions, which had absolutely nothing to do with me but I bore the weight of it all.
 I was just plain mad and looking back, I had every right to be. I was your best friend and in those moments, you were not mine.
 You have just as many snakes in your grass as I do mine. I don't ask about you and I rarely talk about you anymore but I have no doubt you won't see this. You see, though I don't ask, people still share your life events with me. Each time, I am thankful I pulled away when I did.
 When you asked DeeDee to tell me that you loved me, it sparked an anger in me thats been low for some time.
 If you really loved me, you would have reached out to me long ago.
 I have seen you in public, we have been in the same vicinity many times and I can quickly dismiss your presence, I can delete and block and never look back. Even though i've always been this way, I never imagined I could be this way with you but here we are..
  Today I am thankful, you cast a shadow on so many great people who were able to step forward in your absence. Today and everyday I give thanks for my amazing circle. The people who genuinely love, listen and reciprocate.
 I have a lot of friends who are the best but I no longer have a best friend. I am ok with that. You left damage in my heart that isn't for anyone else to repair or replace. You changed the way I view life, friendships and love. You were a passerby in my life and I learned a lot from you. I am thankful for the lessons you taught me.
 I have written this out so many times I can almost recite it, word for word. I delete and don't post because I didn't want you to have that satisfaction. Today is different though because even though this is raw and real, the satisfaction is for me.
 I wish you well, I really do. I hope that whatever is ailing you works itself out, I hope that you excel in your life and that your babies are doing well. I miss you all but not enough to go back.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Choosing This Life Over Any Other..

 Tonight, as I was having a nosey conversation about one of my girlfriend's life.. the subject of kids always being our number 1 came up.
 I have lots of dreams and goals to move away from this desert. (Don't freak, it isn't now..) but the truth is, I would love to explore places outside of California. I'd love to one day sell our beautiful home and relocate, however, the reality of that is that we have two beautiful, funny, intelligent little girls who still willingly spend half of their time in our home. Some days when I hear about all the shit happening in our town, I dream of picking up and going and then our reality quickly brings me back and I find peace in our situation.
 These little girls are not biologically mine but they hold so much of my heart, they are mine in many different ways. They are not an obligation but a serious blessing. They love us just as much as we love them and though I'd love to leave this town, I am not sad that staying here for them is our option because they are worth it all.
 To watch Madison play with Cooper, to listen to Aubrey and Riley converse about common interests.. to see the four of them come together every other week as though no time at all has passed in the week they were with their mom makes every part of our world feel complete and worth the work we put in now.
 To have real conversations with them, to talk about their lives, their interests and to see who they are becoming, is an amazing experience and I couldn't imagine experiencing these things from any other place then where we are, right now.
 We aren't perfect, our situation is pretty unique but it works for us. The girls certainly aren't the only thing holding us here. My clients, our jobs and this amazing home we are constantly working on are also grounding factors but the girls are the peace that makes being here that much better.
 To know how much the boys love their sisters, to know that they enjoy spending time with them on our off weeks with "Aunt Nette and Uncle Brandon" make my heart so happy.
 I don't know exactly why the universe thought I needed four kids but I am so glad it did. I am also glad that my bonus kids are so amazing and make this "step parenting" job easier then I could have ever imagined. It isn't always sunshine and roses but its the best reality I could imagine for myself and as our four children are tucked in, sleeping and resting for school I am thankful they all love each other as much as they do, that they enjoy being here when they are and that the dynamics of our life are aligned and as ideal as possible. <3
 Our life isn't for everyone, what works for us definitely doesn't work for everyone but the beauty of that statement is that we are us, perfectly imperfect. Functioning dysfunction. One large, crazy blended family that is ever evolving. As much as I would love to leave and try new things I would choose this life a million times over, I would choose Sean and the girls every time to be where I am, right now. I would go through all the good, bad and ugly to choose this life over any other, a thousand times. I joke and sometimes I am serious when I saw my kids are ass holes but at the end of every day We are the E<3 family of 6 and for that I am thankful.