Monday, July 10, 2017

When Life Get's Real..

It's been a hot minute since I have written a blog. I've vlogged and started a book..but no blog.
 Today, I am feeling crazy negative and I can't shake it. As I sit here in my home office, printing shipping labels and preparing for a USPS run in the morning before I go to my other full time job, I wonder, WTF did I get myself into? I am already crazy busy and have more side hustles then I could ever possibly know what to do with and I now I am slinging clothes?!
 I am trying to stay positive but damn, sometimes I bite off way more than I can chew. It's like I never learn..
 I started writing a book, I got to page 70 and decided I was bored. This isn't like me.. I don't quit so easily but honestly.. quiet and time aren't two things that happen in my home. Not as often or as easily as one would think.
 I have attempted to turn my blog into a vlog but it's hard to stomach editing myself for that long.
 I haven't read or audio booked anything for pleasure in more then two months.. which is also, really making me sad. I love to read, it's the best escape and I haven't even picked up a magazine.
 I also consider how much I do in addition to my already hectic life, what I volunteer myself for and how much I give myself to others.. it's no wonder I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.
 I know that these feelings are temporary and that I can't run away from this life. I know that though I don't have all the things I want, I surely have everything I need and more.
 Every time I type the sentence, "I'd love to give my children more.." I hit "delete" because what more do they need?
 Today I am blogging to count my own blessings and remind myself that though these feelings are overwhelming, they are fleeting and my life is great.
 So why, knowing all that I know do I still doubt everything I am doing?! Cause as a human, I am self fucking destructive and that's a hard pill to swallow.
 Not many people know that I suffer from anxiety. That I medicate for it. It isn't something people with anxiety advertise because then people try to suggest things like, "Maybe you should slow down..." "Maybe you work to hard.."
 Maybe it's none of those things and for reasons unknown to all of us, the thought if listening to my client and myself converse while trying to tune out the sound of other stylists, clients and blowdryers sends me into a completely unnecessary melt down that I have to excuse myself for.
 Sometimes I stand in the color room before mixing your formula that I have known for years and my mind draws a blank for just a second to long. It's a tightening in my chest that makes me short of breath and hurts beyond belief.
 Sometimes, the walls of my very own house are closing in on me and the damn thing is empty and 2500 sq ft. in size.
 Mostly it's the thoughts in my own head that cause these over whelming feelings to disable me. It's worry beyond my control, it comes when I feel like I need to filter myself, when I feel like I am not protecting my children well enough or situations are beyond my control. It's the constant worry if I am enough, doing enough or giving enough.
 I am always amazed when people tell me I am "strong" because that is not the first word I would use to describe myself. Not even a little.. I am insecure, I am forever doubtful and sometimes I am crazy negative. Though it is not transparent and mostly people think IDGAF, that isn't true at all.. I give a lot of fucks.
Today I needed to remind myself that my self doubt is unnecessary and that everything I am doing, I am doing it well. If I don't finish a book, who am I letting down? No one.. not even myself. If I am not YouTube famous, who does that affect negatively? Not a soul.. if I mailed all this Agnes and Dora back tomorrow, I would be super sad but no one would die.
 These clothes are selling great, they are comfortable enough that I want to keep them all and I am crazy steady in the salon. I have spent more "quality" time with my children in the last few weeks then I ever thought possible as a working mom and we have so much more planned before they go back to school. I might not have time to read but at least my kids know I love them and want to be around them.
 In fact, having them home so much has been so amazing and I don't want them to go back to school. I never thought I would use those words in a sentence!
  In short, maybe someone can relate to these feelings, maybe not but it hit my feels and felt good to get out there.