To all the articles I've seen on friendship lately:
The irony in which Facebook sporadically throws articles about lost friendships into my feed lately is alarming.
As an adult, with four kids and a full time job, a husband who would love just ounces of my time and a house that far exceeds my needs.. friendships take work and time. Sometimes, more work and time then I have to give.
I would like to think I am a simple friend. One who isn't "too needy" but also isn't "too neglectful". Sometimes I go way out of my way to ensure someone else's happiness and sometimes I don't. It's called balance.
To be my best friend though, that means you weaseled your way into my tiny cold heart and I let you stay there. To be there, you have to be ordinarily special. I say this because I have been broken far to many times to not be so guarded.
To give up a best friend, for whatever reason I choose.. it is not easy. I have always been able to walk away from someone at any given point and not look back. I call this my self preservation mode. I will cut you out for looking at me sideways, I will walk away because the minute I feel things going south, I don't want to hurt.
Sometimes though and not very often I hold on longer then I should. I hold on because our memories are so great and that feeling I used to have when I called you or vice versa made a difference in my day.
I hold on because the room in my heart reserved for such a friend is not often opened and gets achy when I let go of that type of friend.
However, I can't compromise who I am for anyone. I have learned this the hard way, my whole life.
It's hard to forgive being lied to, it's hard to shoulder both your burdens and mine. It's to hard to carry the loads alone for to long and that's usually when I have to "cut and run."
But to all the articles I've been see'ing.. some for the woman who cut and run, others written for the one who was just "dumped"..
None can be more specific to my life then this one. My own article.. my own mistakes, misgivings and my very own life experiences.
I've had several "BEST friends" in my 31 years. What does that say about me?
Some have lasted nearly my lifetime and others.. well, they had a good run.
What I'm saying to those articles is.. it's always hard to make that decision. If you're the friend walking away, it isn't any easier. Sometimes you don't even know why you're walking away until you're gone from the situation. Almost from the outside, looking in.
When you're the one being dumped, it's just as hard. You want to know all the reasons why.. you want validation that you aren't the one who was wrong..
Here is what I know to be true. Friendships, in all sizes, shapes and forms are 100% work and what I stated above about my personal life.. my personal life is all consuming.
I like to have friends, I even like to have best friends. A life lasting friendship outside of my husband is desirable but it is no means, my life mission.
I've made mistakes as a friend, I've also forgiven mistakes that I shouldn't.. one thing is for sure though and I'll repeat it once more, I won't ever compromise who I am, inside and out for anyone else.
That's what none of these "lost love" articles say. Maybe because we're to political correct. Maybe the backlash from their friend removed might hurt.
Here is what I would like my previous "BEST friends" to know. I still love you. I will always have love for you. I wish you well, sometimes I do still say ill things about you because when my heart is achy I'm a catty bitch. I can't help it. I feel like you already know these things though because together, we were once catty bitches.
I wish you well, even when I say that I don't. I really, really do. I miss you, I miss your families, I miss our good times.
Mostly though, I miss you from my side of the fence and I wish these things quietly or in small conversation because I have moved on. I have found my own way to heal and I have figured out how to fill that time and space reserved for you.
I have done this out of self preservation.
To all the articles I remotely related to, this one fits me best. This is one I feel like I can share most.. because this is who I am, as a friend and a "non-friend".
So take note all you future best friends, I will cut and run without warning but I will most definitely love who we are together. The stupid shit we do, the stupid inside jokes we have and all the things that make the rest of the world go, "UGH! Fuck, they are so obnoxious!" I will cherish those things, I will love who we are together but I will always choose to love myself more. If you can handle that, then you'll fit into that tiny cold space in my heart comfortably.