Monday, May 18, 2015

(:

It's been a few days. I haven't posted much because I haven't had much to update.
Riley spent the weekend with his Nana and came home yesterday evening. We went bowling last night and then came home.
 Today we had a normal day, I picked the kids up, came home.. they played, I baked and cooked. The difference between today and a day five weeks ago are the "statements" Riley makes.
 Reagan, Aubrey's friend came over for the day.. Riley said, "Mommy, were my daddy's eyes blue like hers?" as we were sitting at the dinner table. I said, "Yes they were bud!" as enthusiastically as possible, to which he replied, "Yep but now my daddy has passed away.."
 Boy, does that break my heart over and over. I do not know at all how to comfort my child. I don't know what to say to things like that. So I just, smiled.
 Yesterday was a hard day for me. I couldn't figure out why.. Jason weighed heavy on my heart. I wanted to call him and let him know that Riley finally got a haircut and that he will be getting an award this week. "Teacher's Choice" because, DUH, he's that awesome. Things like Riley getting a haircut were normal, everyday exchanges between the two of us. I miss those.
 Riley seem's to be adjusting "ok". His "new" normal is working but I am having a hard time adjusting to our normal not including Jason.
 In time, I know. It won't ever get easier, just less raw.
 As you all can imagine and I am sure most of you have voiced it or I have voiced it to you, It is true.. What my baby is going through has DEFINITELY re-kindled some of my very own "mommy/daddy" issues.
 I play over and over in my head the last conversation I had with my mom before she died. It was sudden, unexpected and much like Jason, she was gone to soon and to young.
 I still, as an adult, try to imagine who or what my dad was like and what kind of role he would play in my life. He has been gone for 28 years.. and I STILL try to imagine those things.
 I want to believe that as time goes on and we share memories of Jason with Riley that he will understand how much his daddy loves him. I hope that he doesn't let that feeling of abandonment define who he is or becomes. I hope Sean and I can show him how much he really is LOVED, WANTED and ADORED. I hope his light shines again and the anger that I see in him subsides..
 It's getting easier to get out of bed and do what I need to do. The first couple of weeks were a real challenge for me. I shed a few less tears with each day and I can't believe it's already been a month since the day he passed.
 I still don't have enough thankful words for those that have been there for us. The staff at the kids school, our friends, family and my clients. My amazing husband who has stood mournfully and supportive by my side and never wavered for a second in his love for Riley or me as we both selfishly mourn Jason. I have so many people to be thankful for. So much to be thankful for.. I think more then anything, those are the reasons it's easier each day. I still love THIS life, this one were in right now. I just wish that it still included the other 50% to Riley's equation.

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